I feel like I'm at such a frustrating point right now. These past few days have been enlightening for me. The Lord has been gently reminding me of abandonment. Of total and complete trust in Divine Providence. He has been showing me where I continue to hold on to my own will, revealing desires that need to be purified. It's a bittersweet sort of time-- bitter because it is difficult to let go of these things, sweet because I know that it is the work of the Divine Physician. I know that is His will, and that brings me great joy.
But do I know that it is His will? This question haunts me something terrible!
When I bring my whole job and financial situation to the Lord, I receive a most frustrating answer: Wait. Abandon yourself to Me. Rest here with Me.
At a time when it seems like I need a bit more of a concrete answer... Should I get a job? Which Coast? What kind of job? I'm ready do anything, to do everything, to work as hard as I possibly can until I can enter.
Yet, when I present my enthusiasm to the Lord, I am rebuked. Yes, I can work hard. I've done that my entire life. Worked harder than everyone else so that I could achieve what I wanted. I've never been overly talented at anything, but the work-ethic and self-discipline instilled into me as a child has given me the tools I need to succeed-- at whatever I put my mind toward.
And this is what God wants from me. To recognize that this is His work, not mine. That I can't do it on my own. This isn't something that my hard work and will alone can accomplish. So hold onto your horses and be still. Wait. Give everything to Me.
But this is so counter-intuitive! When I look at it logically... I have an absurd amount of loans to pay off. The sooner I get to work, the faster I can get rid of them. Every minute I spend lounging around at the house is exponentially increasing the money I'm going to have to pay.
This makes me question whether or not what I think I'm receiving in prayer really isn't from God. How can I justify not doing anything, putting in no effort on this front? Surely I'm missing something. What if God is really telling me something different and I'm too inept to perceive it?
I don't know... I feel trapped. If I ignore what I think I'm receiving in prayer, I feel like I will be ignoring this call of God to an even deeper spirit of abandonment. On the other hand, I feel like it's imprudent not to be super active in the job search, even to the point of getting part-time jobs or something.
I really wish I had recourse to my spiritual director right now. He's out of the country. And I'm not even sure that he's technically my director anymore. But that's a whole 'nother issue that I don't know what to do about.
Praise God. I don't know what He's working right now, but I know it is for my good. Just pray that I am amiable to His movements, generously responding to His will in all things.
Edit: Wouldn't you know that God works in mysterious ways. After writing this post, I went to go find my copy of Abandonment to Divine Providence, since it seemed to me to be a good thing to reread for spiritually reading. I was flipping through the pages and came across this particular passage:
To effect this God combats all the personal affections of the soul, so that when these take any especial shape, such as some pious notion, some help to devotion; or when there is any idea of being able to attain perfection by some such method, or such a path or way, or by the guidance of some particular person; in fine to whatever the soul attaches itself, God upsets its plans, and allows it to find, instead of success in these projects, nothing but confusion, trouble, emptiness, and folly. Hardly has it said "I must go this way, I must consult this person, or, I must act in such a manner," than God immediately says the exact contrary, and withdraws all the virtue usual in the means adopted by the soul. Thus, finding only deception and emptiness in everything, the soul is compelled to have recourse to God Himself, and to be content with Him.
Happy the soul that understands this lovingly severe conduct of God, and that corresponds faithfully with it. It is raised above all that passes away to repose in the immutable and the infinite. It is no longer dissipated among created things by giving them love and confidence, but allows them only when it becomes a duty to do so, or when enjoined by God, and when His will is made especially manifest in the matter. It inhabits a region above earthly abundance or dearth, in the fulness of God who is its permanent good.
Edit: Wouldn't you know that God works in mysterious ways. After writing this post, I went to go find my copy of Abandonment to Divine Providence, since it seemed to me to be a good thing to reread for spiritually reading. I was flipping through the pages and came across this particular passage:
To effect this God combats all the personal affections of the soul, so that when these take any especial shape, such as some pious notion, some help to devotion; or when there is any idea of being able to attain perfection by some such method, or such a path or way, or by the guidance of some particular person; in fine to whatever the soul attaches itself, God upsets its plans, and allows it to find, instead of success in these projects, nothing but confusion, trouble, emptiness, and folly. Hardly has it said "I must go this way, I must consult this person, or, I must act in such a manner," than God immediately says the exact contrary, and withdraws all the virtue usual in the means adopted by the soul. Thus, finding only deception and emptiness in everything, the soul is compelled to have recourse to God Himself, and to be content with Him.
Happy the soul that understands this lovingly severe conduct of God, and that corresponds faithfully with it. It is raised above all that passes away to repose in the immutable and the infinite. It is no longer dissipated among created things by giving them love and confidence, but allows them only when it becomes a duty to do so, or when enjoined by God, and when His will is made especially manifest in the matter. It inhabits a region above earthly abundance or dearth, in the fulness of God who is its permanent good.
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