Camping and Zoos

It's been a busy extended weekend and I'm exhausted... but it's been a load of fun!

I went up on Thursday to meet my brother and his family in a nice state park just outside of Seattle (about a two and a half hour drive from me).  We spent Thurs.-Sat. tent camping.  It rained the entire time, but hey-- that's the Pacific Northwest for you.  We had a good time regardless.  The kiddos were fine with playing in the rain and we had the fire burning the entire time.  It was a lot of fun.

I honestly don't remember the last time I'd been camping prior to this weekend.  It brought back a lot of memories because we used to go all the time when I was little.  We had to stop when I began getting into the competitive leagues for softball since that took us traveling all over the nation during the summers.

We came back Saturday afternoon and drove back down to my parents' house, kids and all.  Today we went to the Portland Zoo and had a great time.  Little Kylie-Jo (just over a year old now) had a blast-- her favorite were the penguins.

The kids leave tomorrow, I think.  Then they'll come back down in about a week to stay here while my brother has surgery.  I'll be watching all three of them for five-ish days.  Wish me luck!!  A 1 1/2 year old, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old...  but they're pretty well behaved and they love their Aunt Kayla!!  :-D

Ah, I must admit that being around the kids so much makes the desire for my own children burn even deeper. I think I'd make a good mother.  And I just love little children.  There is very little that can match the joy that comes from children-- when they're holding your hand, cuddling with you on the couch, just saying "I love you!"  Of course, there's also no greater suffering, I think, than watching little ones get hurt or the constant worry about their well-being.

But I thank God for these desires, even when they're somewhat painful.  Like I've said before, it just reinforces the element of sacrifice that is involved with a religious vocation.  It's one of those, "Thank you Jesus for loving me this way" sorts of things.

Do you ever encounter those moments when you know you're in the position of making a choice?  A choice that is very much concerned with your perfection?  It's a choice between perfection and living a nominally Christian life.  For some reason I've been feeling like my life is at that point right now.  With different things-- my vocation, prayer, different every-day decisions I face, even.  There's a good and a better.  And I have to choose between the two.

Hm.

I'm having a hard time right now being patient and offering everything up.  I just feel like I'm not doing anything with my life.  I'm a college graduate, jobless, living at home with my parents.  It just feels so... bleh, to me.  And I want so badly to just be there now.  I'm not sure I've ever wanted something so badly.  And it feels like it may never actually happen.  $50,000 seems so far away... I feel so helpless.  And I feel so lame sitting here wishing that it would just appear out of nowhere.  Some generous donor or what have you.  Yet what else can I do?  I'm not having much luck on the job hunt and it's going to take years to work off.  Years.

But, God's will be done, not mine.  Wherever He wants me, for however long He wants me, doing whatever He wants of me.  That is more pleasing to Him than anything else.

Aye de mi.

Well, I do have one lead on a possible job.  It would be perfect if I could get it... except for the pay being low.  But still.  It's a teaching position at a Catholic K-8 school in Upper Marlboro.  I got a call back on my resume (the principal is my friend's dad) asking for an interview... but I'm obviously not in the area right now.  So I need to figure out what to say when I call back.  And how much do I tell him?  I don't even know...  meh.

Okay, okay.  Enough complaining on my part.

Time for bed.  Working on some essays to submit to our Philosophy/Theology journal tomorrow.  G'night.

"I've got too much time on my hands..."

As can probably be deduced from the influx of entries in the past few days...  I have far too much time on my hands.

Last night I went to my high school's Jazz Band concert.  Ah, how I miss Jazz!  OK-- I admit, it's not my favorite music to listen to, but it was always my favorite to play.  That's probably because the trumpet parts are always much more interesting in jazz than in anything else...  As much as I love classical, we never really got any good parts.  Every once in a while, but that's it.

I miss playing.  I was never really all that good, granted.  My embouchure is all wrong and I never took the time to fix it.  But I was good at sight-reading and rhythms, so I'd do decently enough to get into the Wind Ensemble and 1st Jazz Band all four years.  By senior year I was first chair in both...  but I really wasn't the most talented, I don't think.  I just practiced a lot.

My favorite was always Marching Band and Pep Band.  I was drum major junior and senior year, absolutely loved it!  We were the top parade band in the Northwest...  Ahh, good times.  I miss those times.

...Man.  I can't wait for my books from Amazon to get in.  I desperately need something to do.  I can't stand this whole sitting around the house thing.  I need to be super busy.  That's just how I work best.  Meh.  I can't do this whole... relaxing thing.  I need obligations.  I need to be doing things.

I'm not too much a fan of this stage in my life.  This weird transitionary stage... but transitioning to what?  I don't really know right now.  I'm applying for jobs... both on the East and West coast.  Still waiting to hear back about potential donors.  Don't know if I should be applying for part-time work here at home, like a summer job...  I just don't know much of anything right now.  It's a very vulnerable feeling.

Le sigh.

Because I'm in a picture posting mood as of late...

Can't you just see it now?  ;-)  Haha, I'm just kidding.  Kind of.  ;-)












Today was a productive day:

• I went to Mass and made a holy hour afterwards.  I am so pleased that my parish has perpetual adoration.  This was my first daily Mass since finals week...  I think last week was the longest I had gone without going to Mass-- Sunday to Sunday.
• I wrote my "thank-you" letter to my donor.  And then wrote a letter to my friend in the VA Poor Clares.  This is saying something, because I'm bad at writing letters.  Tomorrow I hope to write to my other friend in the Poor Clares (in CA).
• Unpacked my suitcases.  Finally.  Cleaned out my dresser to make room for the clothes I actually wear.  All that good stuff.
• Cleaned my bathroom...  which hasn't been cleaned in ages.  It was disgusting.
• Mopped my parents' bathroom since I already had the mop out.
• Went to dinner with two old friends.
• Thought I was going to my high school's band concert, but apparently it's tomorrow night, not tonight.
• Purchased two books from Amazon: The Professor's Wife by Willa Cather.  It's a novel that one of my philosophy professors recommended to me.  I'm looking forward to a good novel!  I also bought Natura Pura by Fr. Stephen Long, OP.  I've been extremely interested in the discussion about nature and grace between the different Thomists.  It was an expensive book ($52!!!!) and I feel slightly guilty making the purchase considering circumstances... but a good friend of mine, an excellent Thomist, highly recommended it to me.  Said that it was well worth the money.  And probably something I'll add to the convent library anyways.  So, that said, I'm really excited about it!! 

Now I'm about to play some "DDR" on the Wii with my mom.  Tomorrow's plan...  Mass, holy hour, make some more progress on my room, and study Perfectae Caritatis.  And probably a bike ride somewhere in there as well.  Oh!  And the band concert!  Another good day.

The Kiddo's

We went up to visit my brother and his family this weekend, since I hadn't seen them since January.  The little ones have grown so much!!  Kylie-Jo, just over a year old now, is walking around like a wild child and has quite the attitude.  Konner, who just turned three this weekend, is getting so big!!  That's him curled up next to me-- he was so excited to see me.  And Korey is almost six and is just so smart.  We went to his kindergarten choir concert on Thursday night... so adorable!!!

I love these children so much!!  I have to admit that they often make me double-think my vocation...  but in a good way, I think.  I really would love to have children.  I love children.  And I want to be a mom.  But I think that's healthy.  And frankly, it's a good reminder that I am sacrificing something to become a religious sister.  Most things don't seem much like a sacrifice to me...  at least not yet...  but this definitely is a sacrifice.

Yet, despite how much my desire for children increases...  I still know, in such a definite sense, that my vocation is to the consecrated life.  Thanks be to God.

Graduated

So, I'm officially a college graduate.  Magna cum laude, George Henry Miles (honors society), Bachelor of Arts, Philosophy.

Seems kinda crazy.

The graduation was great.  We had our Baccalaureate Mass on Saturday evening, the Ascension of the Lord.  It was a beautiful Mass-- Father's homily was excellent. Even my parents seemed to enjoy it.


Late that night I went out with my friends to the "Big Slide"-- which is exactly what it sounds like.  It's a huge, thirty foot slide out in a park in the middle of no where.  Technically it's closed at dark, so it's trespassing to enter there at night.  But we've gone there for fun quite a few times over my time at the Mount.  This last trip was epic.  I finally made it all the way down on my feet (screaming bloody murder all the way down, mind you)-- they got a video of it, I can't wait to see it.

After we were slided out, we headed over to the merry-go-round.  We were just chatting when I thought I saw flashlights, but everyone said I was crazy... until a few minutes later.  They came a bit closer and everyone else saw them too.  So one of the girls in the group yelled, "Hello?"

"Everyone get up here now!!"

"What?"


"You're all trespassing.  Up here now!!  This is the police."

Oh State troopers...

They were aaaangry.  But they warmed up to us once they realized we weren't drinking and that we were good kids.  They took our IDs, gave 'em back, and then told us to head out.

The actual graduation ceremony was beautiful as well.  When I went up to shake the President's hand, he whispered in my ear "Let's hug."  I was one of two that got a hug-- haha, it was so unexpected.  But, I did work for him for a few years.  He gave us (his senior workers) beautiful Mount frames for our diplomas (once we get them, of course).

Oh!!  So, three of the sisters came to graduation.  Sr. Joy, Sr. Victoire (she's a novice-- she went to the Mount last year, we were friends and I think have become even closer since she entered), and another sister. I had given them the tickets during the last pizza night.

Soo... funny thing.  Apparently my tickets, which were for reserved seating, were for specific seats.  Which meant, yup, the sisters had to sit with my parents.

Except they didn't know that.  So I had to tell my parents to be on the look out for the sisters...  which meant I had to tell them that they'd be there...  which meant that my mom... well.  I had just told her about a week prior the actual community so she could look at the website and what not.  I had hoped that the seating wouldn't be together because I didn't want to put my mom on edge during such a happy time for her...

Well, everything went well, I think.  Dad saw the sisters wandering around right before graduation and went to fetch them.  Haha!  And then we all chatted afterwards for a while-- Joy talked with my mom for a while, which I think was really, really good.  She's so down to earth, I don't think I could've asked for a better first encounter.

We haven't talked about it.  But I think it was good.

And now I'm home.  It's been tough being home.  I mean, it's been great-- I love seeing my family and everything.  I got to see my nephews and niece and brother and sister-in-law.... it's been wonderful.  It really has been great.  I love those kids so much.  It's just tough to transition from an atmosphere where I can go to daily Mass, pray, be surrounded by others seeking holiness, etc...  to an atmosphere where none of that is really present.

But, like Msgr. said, I need to really work on a good "plan of life."  Which I'm hoping I'll be able to put in place tomorrow when my parents go back to work.  I'm thinking morning Mass at my parish, followed by a holy hour (sooo glad my parish has perpetual adoration), and then either to a coffee shop or the local library for a couple of hours to study (still trying to decide what I'm going to read... either VII documents, the Summa, or something else).  Then I'll head back home to work on stuff (need to clean out my room and get rid of stuff, clean the bathroom, apply for summer jobs, household chores, etc).  Exercise.  Make dinner.  Hang out with my parents.  Repeat.

Should work out well until I find a summer job.  I just applied for a teaching position in Upper Marlboro-- a friend of mine's father is the principal at the elementary school and she talked to him and he asked for my resume...  so, we'll see.  I'm a little nervous about how everything's going to work out.  About my financial situation, about a job, about living with the Sisters come September...  I don't know.  I'm just worried.  I really need to pray about it and I haven't been able to really pray for over a week now... which is killing me.

But all is good.  It's a weird time for me right now.  But all is good.

T-minus 3 days

I had my last meeting with my spiritual director today... and I admit to crying toward the end.  Just the teary-eyed-trying-not-to-cry type of crying.  And technically we're not officially "done."  For most of his directees, this will be it because it's looking pretty good that he's getting the presidency at SHU.  But he said considering my circumstances, he thinks it would be best to keep in touch via phone until probably September, when I could transition into a new spiritual director.

I also had my last work shift in the President's office today.  :-/  That also made me cry.  I love that office.  I love working there.  And they love me.

I'm not usually the emotional type, but... well, saying good-bye is hard!

In other news...  the check is being sent in and will be taking care of a good portion of my largest loan (that is accumulating interest very quickly).  The VP of University Affairs (not the same person who is contacting the Knights of Malta) is writing out the check, and also said that she had someone else, an anonymous someone else, who is interested in helping.  Sooo, again, we'll see!!

One more final.  Then it's party-hardy.  Ha.

Oy.

Graduation in three days.

"It must be love..."

So I went to check in with Mr. B., our VP for University Advancement, to see if he had gotten my abbreviated conversion story that I sent and to see if he needed anything else for me.  An awkward conversation ensued, of course (they say a little bit of awkward is worth salvation... granted that's mostly applied toward ministry... but hey, I think it can be applied for begging and poverty too), but he said that he'd be presenting my story to the top knight person of the Defense of the Faith with the Order of Malta sometime early this week and that we should know in a few days.  I've decided to continue my novena to Our Lady of Lujan ;-)  (Hey, I found out about the $10G the day the novena officially ended...)

In other news, I've decided not to go on my senior beach trip the week after graduation.  I'm losing $150 out of the deal, but...  Well, it basically comes down to the fact that my mom begged me not to go, to come home and spend that week of her vacation going on a trip with her.  With the possibility of me entering (or at the very least going out to live there in September) becoming more real, it seemed like that going home is the best thing.  Plus, I've really grown apart from the group of friends I was originally going with and me and this other guy (oddly enough, he's going into the seminary) were going to be the only non-couple on the trip.  I feel much more at peace not going than I was with the prospect of going.  So I think overall it was the right decision for me.

My mom has amazed me with how far she's come with all of this.  We were chatting on Thursday evening and she just blew me away...  she was telling me how she everyone's actions (I guess she's been sharing this with a lot of folks) are so different and varied... but that she tells them "It's a special calling that only the person who feels it can really understand... it's not something we can really understand completely, but it makes sense to the person who feels called to it...  And there's time for her to really figure it out-- she can leave if she wants to..."  And then she said to me, "Not that I'm thinking that I want you to go and then leave!! That's not what I mean!  Just that that's part of the process, right?  I mean, I've been doing some research, trying to understand it.  And I can't believe how many people's parents are so unsupportive of their choice!!  I don't know how they do it!"

I basically started crying.

I have the best parents ever.

What a turn around!!!  God is so good!!!  His grace works wonders!!!  I honestly think that they've come around to supporting more than could be expected from Catholic parents!!!

Of course, it's still hard.  There's still a pain and a hurt involved.  But that's the nature of sacrifice, isn't it?  I remember a few months ago really connecting with our Blessed Mother and the prophesy that a "sword would pierce her heart."  Her sorrow in her Son's passion...  sometimes I think it's something that mother's with children who have vocations can relate to, in a way.  Their children are following Jesus' passion and death in a more radical way than most.  And the sword of sacrifice truly pierces their own hearts.

I've prayed a lot to the Blessed Mother for my own mom.  And boy have prayers been answered.  I pray that God's grace may continue to work in my mom.

Oh!  So the trip down to the Novitiate house was AMAZING!!!!  And by amazing, I definitely mean that it almost killed me.  My car pulled in about ten minutes before the other car (we had about 10 girls come down) and immediately Arielle (erm, Sr. Notre Dame de Victoire) came running out of the house to see us!!!  She and I did one of those typical movie hugs, running toward each other and embracing... it was great!!  (She was a freshman at the Mount last year and while we weren't best friends, we did know each other pretty well.)  After quite a few hugs and introductions, we went inside to prepare for the holy hour.

Can I just say that there's a huge difference in how liturgical/prayer is done with the Sisters than with the other orders I've visited?  Maybe it's just part of the feeling at "home" with this order.  But they certainly seem to know how to do liturgy and holy hours right.  Very solemn.  Latin.  Or if it's English (or Spanish) it's not any of that cheesy crap that is so often used elsewhere.  I don't know-- but I love it.

After the "good night" (also something I love, since my confirmation saint is Dominic Savio and I have a special love for him and Don Bosco!), we went upstairs for dinner.  Half-way during dinner about half of the sisters came back from a week long retreat, so there was a lot of celebration for that!!

And of course recreation time was nice and rowdy.  Ping pong, bop-it, P&W, and pictionary...  I also got to spend some good time talking with Sr. Victoire.  Around 11pm we had another round of celebration-- a girl from Ohio entered!!!  THAT NIGHT!!!

I almost died.  It killed me.  Almost.  Oh how badly I wanted that to be me!

Alas...

I also got to talk to M. before we left-- just to double check on some stuff.  That was really nice too, being able to talk with her.  The whole evening was slightly interesting because none of the sisters (save Joy and M. of course) knew anything... and I had told all of the Mount girls not to say or imply anything, just in case (I get worried about those things).

Anywho, we ended up leaving pretty late... it was almost midnight and it was a hour and a half drive back to the Mount.  M. made me promise to call her when we got back safely.

It was just a great night.  I hadn't seen the sisters since January at the March for Life and that was only for a few minutes... before that was my trip to NYC.  So, needless to say, it's been a while!!  And I've been going through the whole process without having had the "confirming" experience... you know what it's like, when you've been away for a while... you question, did I really feel at home?  Was I really comfortable?  Am I really okay with the whole Spanish thing?  Etc.

And of course now I'm dying inside just to be there now.  But even more...  I realized that my desire to be there is really only directed toward my desire for Jesus.  Being in the convent and my desire to enter... is the desire to be more fully His.

Ah!!!  I want to enter this summer, so badly!!!  I try not to think about the "perfect scenario" too much.  And in fact, I really haven't daydreamed about it all, which surprises me a lot.  But, practically speaking, I think entering in the middle of July or beginning of August would be ideal for me.  That way I'd be able to spend a good two months at home and get everything ready...

We'll see.  Either way, I'll be there in September.  Of course, I'd rather be there a postulant.  ;-)

Oh!!  One of the girls that came down with us... completely fell in love with the sisters.  She has been thinking about religious life for a while now...  and she loves them.  Know what's funny?  We're from the same parish. She and I went to high school together (three year separation).  Now we both go to the Mount (yup, other side of the country).  Wouldn't that be great?  A renewal in vocations for the NW...  and actually, there were two novices from WA...  so hey.

Well, I should probably get back to work.  Almost finished with this blasted 10-page Econ paper (2 pages to go).