You know you've been studying too much philosophy when you watch movies and can point out the philosophies of which the characters are being masks. Example: The new Sherlock Holmes movie. (Our school has this cool thing where they can bring movies to campus that have yet to be released to dvd.) I watched that tonight. My analysis:
Sherlock Holmes: The typical 'Enlightment' scientific positivist. Anything that can be known can be known deductively, through logic and science (anything outside of that realm is really quite unknowable). It's all a matter of getting the facts straight. You can have perfect certainty, if you're astute and learned enough.
Blackwood: The Nietzschean 'overman'. Your typical "will-to-power" villain. The strong overpower and manipulate the weak by sheer will power. There is no truth save for what can be made and manipulated by your own hand.
Watson: This one confused me a bit, but I'm going to go with Blaise Pascal. A scientist, avowed to the scientific method and scientific reasoning... empirical data and knowledge. But recognizing that something else also exists: the heart. "The heart has reasons that Reason knows not."
Hm.
In other news. Actually, very little in ways of other news. Things have been crazy on this side of academia. I'm in the midst of writing my moral philosophy thesis. I'm arguing that embryo transfer (aka embryo adoption) is morally illicit--that it is always and everywhere wrong. A tough stance, but I can't see how we can say otherwise. More on that later, I suppose.
I'm at 23 pages on my honors thesis. With any luck, I'll finish in the next two weeks. I also have a 7 page paper due on Tuesday about Plato's Republic. Same day that my moral thesis is due (12 pages). In the works for the next four weeks: American History 10 page paper, Econ 15 page paper, and Contemporary Catholic Philosophy 10-12 page paper. By golly if I don't die by the end of this semester it will be a miracle.
Speaking of death. I nearly died during our Palm Sunday Vigil Mass. Okay; I didn't really almost die (sorry, I have the tendency toward the dramatic at times). But it was quite the experience.
I was sacristan for the Mass. So, knowing it was Palm Sunday, I went extra early to make sure I could get everything set up all correctly. My readers and altar servers were supposed to be there 20 minutes early to help with the palms. The disaster that ensued:
*My readers had no idea what they were doing and were not prepared for the Gospel parts
*Visiting priest who had not celebrated our 5pm Vigil before (which has a lot of different things from the typical Sunday Mass)
*Two of my EMHC's didn't show up
*My altar server didn't show up... for PALM SUNDAY MASS!!!! (Ya know, blessing of the palms, procession in, etc... kinda need an altar server)
So I had to end up serving, which I am extremely opposed to, but had very little choice in the matter and Father requested it (and I will forfeit my own personal preference to that of a priest's request). I've served at the altar once before, at the request of the Bishop. And I've never done it by myself before... Luckily things went mostly well...
Except that I forgot to light the candles. So during the first reading I had to run back to the sacristy to get matches. There were three matches left in the box. I lit the first one and tried to light the candle. Epic fail. The wick wouldn't catch and I tried to keep a straight face as my finger was burnt by the flame. Two matches left... which meant I couldn't mess up again. Thanks be to God I was able to get both candles lit without too much more damage to my fingers.
Oh. And I forgot to change the altar cloth to red.
It was a nightmare. I hate it when liturgies go array. Especially when I'm in charge. (I'm a bit of a perfectionist, you see.) It actually wasn't that bad, just a little growth in humility.
Things have been a struggle as of late. Constant temptations to abandon my vocation (which is not helped by the lack of news on that front...) and even to abandon prayer. But Ol' Scratch ain't go nothing on me... we may be heading into the darkness of Good Friday, but Christ has triumphed and I fear not. If there's ever been a time for growth in abandonment to God, these past few months have been a constant opportunity for it. Thank you Jesus, for loving me this way.
I'm staying at the Seton Shrine (aka Daughters of Charity) for Easter Break, from Wednesday to Easter Tuesday. I'm looking forward to nice retreat week.
Gotta finish my Moral paper this weekend. Gotta get that Body & Soul paper done too.
Ya know, when there's a lot going on it's easy to succumb to "being stressed." But really, I think stress is just mindset. Because when you're stressed, all you can do is look forward to when things will be "less busy" and "less demanding." But you know what? That time never really comes. So there's no point in pining after it. We're always going to be busy and life is always going to be demanding. I think "stress" is, in some ways, related to that goal-oriented conception of happiness-- you know the one, where happiness is just right around the corner and we're always striving for it.
No! Happiness is a here and now sort of end. It's a state of being, not something to be attained or possessed. I think once people realize that, they won't be bothered by stress. Because there's no pining for the green grass on the other side of the fence. You can accept that these are your circumstances here and now and you can just do your best with what you've got and that's all you can do. Leave the rest to God.
Same thing with holiness or sacrifice or abandonment to God's will. Yes, we all strive for these things. But we ought to focus on the here and now and how we're doing in our current circumstances. Choosing right now not in the future. The future will take care of itself based off of the choices we make now. It's called habits. Good ones are virtues. Vices, if we don't take care to make right choices now.
Sorry, I'm rambling/ranting now. I do that sometimes.
Boy do I need retreat.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Patience is a virtue
Patience is a virtue... and virtue is a grace... and Grace is a girl with a dirty face. So there.
Going on two weeks tomorrow without having heard anything back from M. I'm trying not to go crazy, but you know, it's difficult for a gal like me. I know that she's short-handed up in NY and I know also that M. S. just had a week long conference... so, no doubt they've all been busy. More so than being anxious to hear what they would have me do now (fund-raise? job?), I'm more nervous that I'm not doing something I ought to be doing right now. Not sure what that could be, really... but it could be something!
I think I've double, triple checked if I actually sent the e-mail I had been working on. It looks like I did. And I'm pretty sure that it's nature was one of requiring a response. So I really ought not be worrying right now. Patience.
Going on two weeks tomorrow without having heard anything back from M. I'm trying not to go crazy, but you know, it's difficult for a gal like me. I know that she's short-handed up in NY and I know also that M. S. just had a week long conference... so, no doubt they've all been busy. More so than being anxious to hear what they would have me do now (fund-raise? job?), I'm more nervous that I'm not doing something I ought to be doing right now. Not sure what that could be, really... but it could be something!
I think I've double, triple checked if I actually sent the e-mail I had been working on. It looks like I did. And I'm pretty sure that it's nature was one of requiring a response. So I really ought not be worrying right now. Patience.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
School is draining me...
Took me three hours to complete that darn take-home Econ midterm. But I am counting my blessings precisely because it was a take-home. And we were allowed to use our notes. Guarantee I would've failed had it not been the case. This is what I get for taking a 400-level Econ course when I know absolutely nothing about Economics.
Prepared and presented my lesson on the Fourth-Tenth Commandments at RCIA tonight. I think it went really well. Slightly awkward having to talk about sexual morality in front of men, including a seminarian. But, overall, I think I did a good job. I'm always very harsh on myself when it comes to teaching, so it feels nice for once to come out feeling like I did well.
I didn't get very far on my honors thesis this weekend, like I hoped. I kind of forgot what I was arguing. And then when I finally figured it out, I became rather discouraged, because I don't feel like I'm doing much with this project. Meh. See, this is one of the times that I really wish I weren't graduating in three years. I feel like I just didn't have enough education behind me to choose a good project. If I were going into it at the end of this semester, I feel like I'd have a better grasp and be able to do a much better job.
Alas, what can you do? As my old band director used to say, "Do the best with what you've got."
Plans for this week:
Get to 25-30 pages on Honors Thesis (currently at 18)
Be inducted into the National Theology Honors Society
Substantial research/some writing Moral Thesis
Substantial writing for Body & Soul paper (only 7 pages)
Plus, you know, the usual readings and homeworks and what-have-yous of the week.
Prepared and presented my lesson on the Fourth-Tenth Commandments at RCIA tonight. I think it went really well. Slightly awkward having to talk about sexual morality in front of men, including a seminarian. But, overall, I think I did a good job. I'm always very harsh on myself when it comes to teaching, so it feels nice for once to come out feeling like I did well.
I didn't get very far on my honors thesis this weekend, like I hoped. I kind of forgot what I was arguing. And then when I finally figured it out, I became rather discouraged, because I don't feel like I'm doing much with this project. Meh. See, this is one of the times that I really wish I weren't graduating in three years. I feel like I just didn't have enough education behind me to choose a good project. If I were going into it at the end of this semester, I feel like I'd have a better grasp and be able to do a much better job.
Alas, what can you do? As my old band director used to say, "Do the best with what you've got."
Plans for this week:
Get to 25-30 pages on Honors Thesis (currently at 18)
Be inducted into the National Theology Honors Society
Substantial research/some writing Moral Thesis
Substantial writing for Body & Soul paper (only 7 pages)
Plus, you know, the usual readings and homeworks and what-have-yous of the week.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Temptations or Reminders of Sacrifices
My brother (only sibling) got married about two years ago. His wife, my sister-in-law, had been married once before and has two little boys from the previous marriage, Korey (5) and Konner (2 1/2). These three children have changed my life-- I love them so much. I don't think I ever understood what it meant to love children so deeply, so authentically. I miss them so much when I'm away at school. It's going to be tough, not being around as they grow up.
Before this trio, I had never really been around little children. I'm the youngest in my family and all of my cousins are right around my age. But now, I mean... I want children so badly. I want to be a mother. To have my own children. Which is a healthy thing, I think, even considering my vocation. Obviously I'm well acquainted with the spiritual motherhood and what not. And it's beautiful and wonderful. But there is a real sacrifice that is very much bitter-sweet.
Actually, this week has been full of all sorts of temptations against my vocation. Well, I wouldn't want to call them temptations so much as reminders of what I'm giving up. Some are temptations. But. Of course it should happen around this time that I find myself rather attracted to one of my good, Catholic guy friends. Luckily it's one of those things that I can recognize, praise God for the beauty of our friendship, and fairly easily bracket out. It helps that, although he is single, he is also seriously discerning the priesthood. I know this about him and he knows about my discernment, which is why I think we feel so comfortable around one another-- no self-consciousness and what have you.
I've also been slammed with the whole, "What in the world are you thinking, Kayla?! You're absolutely crazy. Bonkers." And the terror of how difficult it's going to be. Doubts about whether or not I can handle it.
Last night a group of us went for a rosary walk behind the athletic center. The stars were magnificent. And I was looking up and thinking to myself about how absolutely amazing God is. And how this God is calling me into a special, spousal relationship with Him. What?! That is so insane. And I was struck at how absolutely unworthy I am of such a calling.
I've always struggled with the spousal imagery. I mean, it's definitely a part of my prayer life and it is a very real thing to me. But I can't talk about it. It seems too intimate to me. I even struggle in spiritual direction when it comes up. I suppose part of it is that if I say it out loud to anyone, it makes it more real, and I have to really really accept that God loves me like that, despite my unworthiness. Sometimes it can be so much easier to just focus on how much I love God... but it is such an integral part to my vocation (and everyone's, actually) to know and rejoice in God's love for me.
Hm.
Well, this weekend will be a busy, work-filled one. I need to write another chapter in my honors thesis and send it to my thesis advisor, whom I've been ignoring. I need to plan for and teach Sunday's RCIA lesson. I have a take-home Econ exam. And if I'm lucky, I'll get some research done on my Moral Phil thesis.
As I approach graduation, I'm beginning to realize how much I'm going to miss philosophy and studying in an academic setting. At the beginning of this school year, I was set on going to Grad school. My thought process was that I should just keep going to school until I figured out my vocation. And I so badly would love to go to Grad school in either philosophy or theology. But very quickly I realized, although I don't know how exactly, that God did not want me going to Grad school. He didn't reveal much else to me at the time, but I was convinced that despite my desires for continuing my education, it wasn't His will. I pouted for a while. And then He showed me a bit more. :-) Which of course makes me happy!
But if I'm honest with myself, I still have strong desires to continue my studies in philosophy and theology. And it doesn't help when my professors are disappointed to hear that I'm not heading on to Grad school after graduation. Of course, they're pleased that I'm thinking religious life. But... grad school.
It's one of those things, I guess. Another sacrifice of my will for God's. And really, grad school at this point for me would be selfish. It would be to appease my own desire for knowledge, which is a real good. But I need to serve God and His people. Not just myself.
Well. It's time for bed, me thinks. 90s Country playing in the background.
Only at the Mount...
Woke up this morning and walked out of my dorm building around 7:15am to find two cows grazing contently on the front lawn, right in front of the dorm.
Yes. Cattle. Just grazing at 7:15am.
I looked with disbelief, smiled, shook my head and thought to myself, "You know, some days you wake and up ask yourself, 'Is this real life?' Today is one of those days."
Yes. Cattle. Just grazing at 7:15am.
I looked with disbelief, smiled, shook my head and thought to myself, "You know, some days you wake and up ask yourself, 'Is this real life?' Today is one of those days."
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Why must my decision inherently cause my mom so much suffering? It's killing me. To hear her cry, yet try to stay supportive. What love she has.
I almost think it would be easier if we fought about it. Then I could get angry and somehow feel justified. But right now it's nothing but suffering. True love. How I wish she had some faith to hold onto. That she could cling now to the Blessed Mother.
Please pray to Our Lady for my mom.
You know, I think this is most difficult thing of all for me. Knowingly making a decision that brings her so much pain. It's not leaving things behind, giving up so much... no. It's knowing that I'm doing the right thing and that it's killing her.
I almost think it would be easier if we fought about it. Then I could get angry and somehow feel justified. But right now it's nothing but suffering. True love. How I wish she had some faith to hold onto. That she could cling now to the Blessed Mother.
Please pray to Our Lady for my mom.
You know, I think this is most difficult thing of all for me. Knowingly making a decision that brings her so much pain. It's not leaving things behind, giving up so much... no. It's knowing that I'm doing the right thing and that it's killing her.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Ratzinger rocks my socks...
I absolutely love Pope Benedict!! Can I just say that?
Right now I'm reading Introduction to Christianity. Well, technically re-reading. But this book is so incredibly insightful and deep that I honestly feel as though I'm reading it for the first time. It's amazing to me how little I understood the first time I read it, about a year and a half ago. But with more philosophy under my belt, I feel more equipped to understand and appreciate what he is doing in this work. Right now I'm reading it under the lens of Catholic responses to modernity. And I'm writing a 3-page book review (how the heck do you write only three pages?!) on his argument and methodology.
In other news, I've just been given a St. John Vianney holy card that was touched to his confessional in Ars! Oh, and I've just been given a miraculous medal that was touched to the VERY CHAIR that our Blessed Mother sat upon in her appearance to St. Catherine Laboure!!! Needless to say, I'm quite pleased! A few of my deacon and seminarian friends went to Ars for a retreat over Spring break and they brought me back some goodies, not to mention their prayers while overseas. What a blessing for them! To make a retreat at Ars during the Year for Priests... and the deacons were able to make this retreat their canonical retreat!!
Not much news on the vocational front. Waiting for a letter so I can apply to Mater Ecclesiea, although there's no rush on that, considering the next award won't be for about a year. Talked to my mom a few times (all quite emotional conversations)... they can't help me with my debt... which is apparently $60,000. My dad's illness is getting worse and this year will likely be his last one working. Just not very good all around. So, waiting to hear back from M. on what the strategy is for eliminating this debt. As soon as we have a plan, I'm ready to go out begging. I have a few contacts that might be able to help me out quite a bit. But I just need to get the go ahead for it.
I'm having a hard time focusing on school. There's so much to do and so little motivation for doing it. I just want to be there. Yesterday I got a letter from one of my friends who entered this past summer and it made my day! My favorite part of the letter: "I hope that really soon you will be/live among your sisters." :-) She doesn't yet know that I've applied, nor does Sr. Joy. I want to go visit the Novitiate house again, but I feel weird about it now, lol. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Sr. J. invited me to the Thomistic conference this week and I want so badly to go-- it matches perfectly with what I'm studying right now!!! But for some reason I feel as though I need to be invited by M. L. or M. S. Don't ask me. It's the melancholic in me-- I worry over silly things too much. I also would really love to spend Easter break with them, though I don't know if that would even be a possibility and I'm much too chicken to ask.
I'm so tired. And I have so much work to do. The long weekend in NY meant that I did no homework over the weekend. And this week I have two midterms, two papers, and a RCIA lesson to prepare. Plus, I haven't done work on my honors thesis in ages (my advisor is continuously trying to get into contact with me). And I have my rough draft of my Moral thesis due next Tuesday (and I haven't started researching for it yet).
I need lots of prayers!
Unfortunately the semester isn't going to slow down any in the remaining two months. Oh well-- good training, right? And lemme tell you what an opportunity for growing in virtue!!
Right now I'm reading Introduction to Christianity. Well, technically re-reading. But this book is so incredibly insightful and deep that I honestly feel as though I'm reading it for the first time. It's amazing to me how little I understood the first time I read it, about a year and a half ago. But with more philosophy under my belt, I feel more equipped to understand and appreciate what he is doing in this work. Right now I'm reading it under the lens of Catholic responses to modernity. And I'm writing a 3-page book review (how the heck do you write only three pages?!) on his argument and methodology.
In other news, I've just been given a St. John Vianney holy card that was touched to his confessional in Ars! Oh, and I've just been given a miraculous medal that was touched to the VERY CHAIR that our Blessed Mother sat upon in her appearance to St. Catherine Laboure!!! Needless to say, I'm quite pleased! A few of my deacon and seminarian friends went to Ars for a retreat over Spring break and they brought me back some goodies, not to mention their prayers while overseas. What a blessing for them! To make a retreat at Ars during the Year for Priests... and the deacons were able to make this retreat their canonical retreat!!
Not much news on the vocational front. Waiting for a letter so I can apply to Mater Ecclesiea, although there's no rush on that, considering the next award won't be for about a year. Talked to my mom a few times (all quite emotional conversations)... they can't help me with my debt... which is apparently $60,000. My dad's illness is getting worse and this year will likely be his last one working. Just not very good all around. So, waiting to hear back from M. on what the strategy is for eliminating this debt. As soon as we have a plan, I'm ready to go out begging. I have a few contacts that might be able to help me out quite a bit. But I just need to get the go ahead for it.
I'm having a hard time focusing on school. There's so much to do and so little motivation for doing it. I just want to be there. Yesterday I got a letter from one of my friends who entered this past summer and it made my day! My favorite part of the letter: "I hope that really soon you will be/live among your sisters." :-) She doesn't yet know that I've applied, nor does Sr. Joy. I want to go visit the Novitiate house again, but I feel weird about it now, lol. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Sr. J. invited me to the Thomistic conference this week and I want so badly to go-- it matches perfectly with what I'm studying right now!!! But for some reason I feel as though I need to be invited by M. L. or M. S. Don't ask me. It's the melancholic in me-- I worry over silly things too much. I also would really love to spend Easter break with them, though I don't know if that would even be a possibility and I'm much too chicken to ask.
I'm so tired. And I have so much work to do. The long weekend in NY meant that I did no homework over the weekend. And this week I have two midterms, two papers, and a RCIA lesson to prepare. Plus, I haven't done work on my honors thesis in ages (my advisor is continuously trying to get into contact with me). And I have my rough draft of my Moral thesis due next Tuesday (and I haven't started researching for it yet).
I need lots of prayers!
Unfortunately the semester isn't going to slow down any in the remaining two months. Oh well-- good training, right? And lemme tell you what an opportunity for growing in virtue!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
May God be Praised!!!!
I have passed round one!!!
I have to admit, I was slightly confused... but M. sent me an e-mail today (I wasn't expecting it... I think I was expecting a phone call... but she's been super busy, so I'm sure e-mail is much easier for her right now) that basically said, "All is well" for right now and that I should proceed to do two things:
A) Apply for the Mater Ecclesiae Fund
B) Talk to my s/d about how to approach my parents regarding the debt
I'm assuming from the "All is well" comment and the fact that the Mater Ecclesiae fund requires formal acceptance into a community... that I've been at least preliminarily accepted?! This is what my s/d seems to read from it and my best friend as well... maybe I'm the only one who was a little confused. I mean, obviously this is good, but... lol, it certainly confused me at first!
I was looking at the fund website and I noticed that they only offer awards once a year... so, it'll be almost a full year from now before I hear anything back from them if/when I apply. I also doubt I'd be awarded anything, considering the substantial size of my debts, but it's worth a shot. I don't know if M. knows that their next application period won't be until December...
But basically right now I need to talk to my parents and really hash out of them exactly how much debt I'm in and whether or not they're going to help me at all. If they're not... then there's going to have to be quite a bit of brainstorming on my end.
I'm supposed to get back to her once I've accomplished those two items.
This whole process seems to strange to me!!! Ah well!! May God be Praised!!!!!!!!!!!!
...and spiritual direction was absolutely what I needed today. Funny thing though-- I got M.'s e-mail ten minutes after I got out of my meeting... so I turned around and headed back up to my s/d's office!! Haha, that was pretty funny.
I have to admit, I was slightly confused... but M. sent me an e-mail today (I wasn't expecting it... I think I was expecting a phone call... but she's been super busy, so I'm sure e-mail is much easier for her right now) that basically said, "All is well" for right now and that I should proceed to do two things:
A) Apply for the Mater Ecclesiae Fund
B) Talk to my s/d about how to approach my parents regarding the debt
I'm assuming from the "All is well" comment and the fact that the Mater Ecclesiae fund requires formal acceptance into a community... that I've been at least preliminarily accepted?! This is what my s/d seems to read from it and my best friend as well... maybe I'm the only one who was a little confused. I mean, obviously this is good, but... lol, it certainly confused me at first!
I was looking at the fund website and I noticed that they only offer awards once a year... so, it'll be almost a full year from now before I hear anything back from them if/when I apply. I also doubt I'd be awarded anything, considering the substantial size of my debts, but it's worth a shot. I don't know if M. knows that their next application period won't be until December...
But basically right now I need to talk to my parents and really hash out of them exactly how much debt I'm in and whether or not they're going to help me at all. If they're not... then there's going to have to be quite a bit of brainstorming on my end.
I'm supposed to get back to her once I've accomplished those two items.
This whole process seems to strange to me!!! Ah well!! May God be Praised!!!!!!!!!!!!
...and spiritual direction was absolutely what I needed today. Funny thing though-- I got M.'s e-mail ten minutes after I got out of my meeting... so I turned around and headed back up to my s/d's office!! Haha, that was pretty funny.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Incense and Nerves
I smell like incense. Which is actually rather relaxing, funny enough.
On Monday nights, immediately following the 10PM Mass, we have half an hour of Eucharistic Adoration concluding with Night Prayer and Benediction. Our deacon (transitional-- he'll be ordained to the priesthood this June, praise God!) came up to me and asked me to assist him with the incense, humeral veil, etc. Normally I'm not a huge advocate of females taking up this sort altar serving role... but I also trust our deacon and chaplain on these sorts of things. So, I don't sign up to serve or anything like that, but when push comes to shove and they ask me to do something like this, I comply.
Tonight was especially awkward because I was dressed in sweats, having just finished a basketball game. One of the few times I ever go to Mass dressed so sloppy and I'm asked assist at Adoration!!
And of course I was worried the entire time, trying to remember exactly what I was supposed to do and when. I've seen it all a million times, but I myself have never done it or been trained to do it. (First and only time I've ever altar served was at our Divine Mercy Sunday Mass with the Bishop and baptisms and confirmations!!!) It's funny how much you second guess yourself.
Luckily I did all the right things at all the right times. Well, I did make one mistake. I gave the deacon the thurible and I held the boat, rather than the other way around. Oops.
And what a powerful experience, to incense Our Lord during Benediction!!!
In other news, I have a constant fleet of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Other than the nerves, though, I've been pretty calm. No big spurts of emotions. Just waiting. And knowing that I want to do His will more than mine... so whatever comes from all of this, I can be happy so long as I know that I am following His will for me. I mean, obviously I want this-- more than I've ever wanted something before, save for baptism and reception into the Church (and heaven, of course!). The desire is almost overwhelming... and my experience has been that I very clearly didn't initiate this desire... it was all His work. Bringing the Order into my life, providing the opportunity to get to know them, slowly drawing my heart, and then falling head over heels, so to say. It's almost as though He had to convince me that I really want this... and He's done an amazing job of that. But it's still gotta be His will, not mine. My heart is ready, O Lord, my heart is ready!!
Spiritual direction tomorrow, thanks be to God.
More waiting.
On Monday nights, immediately following the 10PM Mass, we have half an hour of Eucharistic Adoration concluding with Night Prayer and Benediction. Our deacon (transitional-- he'll be ordained to the priesthood this June, praise God!) came up to me and asked me to assist him with the incense, humeral veil, etc. Normally I'm not a huge advocate of females taking up this sort altar serving role... but I also trust our deacon and chaplain on these sorts of things. So, I don't sign up to serve or anything like that, but when push comes to shove and they ask me to do something like this, I comply.
Tonight was especially awkward because I was dressed in sweats, having just finished a basketball game. One of the few times I ever go to Mass dressed so sloppy and I'm asked assist at Adoration!!
And of course I was worried the entire time, trying to remember exactly what I was supposed to do and when. I've seen it all a million times, but I myself have never done it or been trained to do it. (First and only time I've ever altar served was at our Divine Mercy Sunday Mass with the Bishop and baptisms and confirmations!!!) It's funny how much you second guess yourself.
Luckily I did all the right things at all the right times. Well, I did make one mistake. I gave the deacon the thurible and I held the boat, rather than the other way around. Oops.
And what a powerful experience, to incense Our Lord during Benediction!!!
In other news, I have a constant fleet of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Other than the nerves, though, I've been pretty calm. No big spurts of emotions. Just waiting. And knowing that I want to do His will more than mine... so whatever comes from all of this, I can be happy so long as I know that I am following His will for me. I mean, obviously I want this-- more than I've ever wanted something before, save for baptism and reception into the Church (and heaven, of course!). The desire is almost overwhelming... and my experience has been that I very clearly didn't initiate this desire... it was all His work. Bringing the Order into my life, providing the opportunity to get to know them, slowly drawing my heart, and then falling head over heels, so to say. It's almost as though He had to convince me that I really want this... and He's done an amazing job of that. But it's still gotta be His will, not mine. My heart is ready, O Lord, my heart is ready!!
Spiritual direction tomorrow, thanks be to God.
More waiting.
Friday, March 5, 2010
And let the waiting begin...
Praise God!
All went well. The interview was about 45 minutes long and pretty simple. Only three "big answer" questions, the rest were pretty short and didn't necessarily need further explanation. The melancholic in me is worried that I didn't answer the "big answer" questions very well, but I'm trying not to think about it too much otherwise I know I'll play back what I should've said a million times over. I think I would've preferred those parts to be written, rather than spoken. Or at least in person. I don't know.
So now I wait. Not sure how long it'll take... but basically I'll hear back whenever and that will be the first sort of "yes" or "no." Then we'll schedule for a psych exam, and then go from there.
M. was very motherly and that was encouraging to me. Especially when we were talking about my debt situation (which is complicated). For right now we're not worrying about it and she said we'd work together to figure out the best thing to do...
Wow. I can't believe it. I've actually applied (in the strangest application process I've ever heard of). I did it. And I couldn't be happier! I'm having a hard time focusing on anything else right now! At this point, I just want to go and enter!
Thanks be to God! He's sooo good to me!!
I'm also trying subdue the melancholic in me that is preparing for the worst... I have a tendency to fear for the worst in these sorts of situations... but it's all in God's hands now... let His will be done. I've done my part, I've done what He's asked of me thus far... now it's up to Him where He leads me.
All went well. The interview was about 45 minutes long and pretty simple. Only three "big answer" questions, the rest were pretty short and didn't necessarily need further explanation. The melancholic in me is worried that I didn't answer the "big answer" questions very well, but I'm trying not to think about it too much otherwise I know I'll play back what I should've said a million times over. I think I would've preferred those parts to be written, rather than spoken. Or at least in person. I don't know.
So now I wait. Not sure how long it'll take... but basically I'll hear back whenever and that will be the first sort of "yes" or "no." Then we'll schedule for a psych exam, and then go from there.
M. was very motherly and that was encouraging to me. Especially when we were talking about my debt situation (which is complicated). For right now we're not worrying about it and she said we'd work together to figure out the best thing to do...
Wow. I can't believe it. I've actually applied (in the strangest application process I've ever heard of). I did it. And I couldn't be happier! I'm having a hard time focusing on anything else right now! At this point, I just want to go and enter!
Thanks be to God! He's sooo good to me!!
I'm also trying subdue the melancholic in me that is preparing for the worst... I have a tendency to fear for the worst in these sorts of situations... but it's all in God's hands now... let His will be done. I've done my part, I've done what He's asked of me thus far... now it's up to Him where He leads me.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Nerves, emotions, and peace
I'm not usually an overly emotional person. I mean, I get angry or sad or upset or what have you, just like any normal person. But I would hardly say that I'm overly emotional. And most of the time, when I am being emotional, it's usually a pretty clear cut feeling. I can describe it, talk about it, cry about it... whatever.
But man oh man am I caught off guard by my emotional state right now! I'm here there and everywhere! I swear it's almost as though I'm feeling a different emotion every 20 minutes... Of course, considering the circumstances, I suppose it's not too terribly surprising.
What does surprise me, however, is my complete inability to describe what I'm feeling. I simply can't put what's going on inside into words. The complexity of emotions is just simply too great. Sometimes I am torn in thirty different directions by thirty different feelings!
The neat thing is that, in some ways, I'm somewhat removed from the emotions. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all. I mean, obviously they're real and I can certainly feel them! But, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't necessarily indulge them; I don't let them control me and my state of mind. I'm still very much at peace and this is even more firmly established in prayer. I mean, honestly (and this surprises me), I don't think too much about everything that's going on when I go to prayer. I find that I will speak with Our Lord about it for a small time near the beginning of prayer, but then I find myself abandoning everything to Him and then resting in His presence. I guess it makes sense. There's no real need to worry about it all in prayer too much. A religious vocation is about pursuing the Beloved, and following Him wherever He leads you. The closer you are to His heart, the clearer what He wants for you becomes...
But, the emotions are still there, even though I am filled with "the peace that surpasses all things." The nerves are definitely kicking in for tomorrow, although in all reality, I have nothing to be nervous about.
One thing (of many!) that has struck me pretty hard in the past few days is how incredibly free the Lord has made this decision for me, especially concerning my parents. He has removed so many obstacles from my saying "yes," not the least being the support of my parents. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to go through with all of this (or even begin it, for that matter), if God's grace were not so evidently at work with them. Having their support... frees me in a way that I wouldn't have been free before. Yet, funny enough, it's almost as though that makes it all the harder to make this sort of decision. Because it's really mine to make. I am given the choice... leave everything behind to follow Him or not.
Yeah, not really explaining that well either.
I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm nervous. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I can't believe that I'm not more freaked out that I'm actually doing this. I'm terrified at what this might mean. I'm terrified I'll be rejected. I'm terrified I'll be accepted. I really just want to be there right now; I don't want to finish school (but I will). I'm scared I'm doing what I want to do and not what He wants me to do. I'm afraid I've totally convinced my self of this. I'm excited. I'm overjoyed.
Most importantly... I'm at peace. And behind everything there is the foundational fact: It's all for His glory. It's all to bring Him joy. Nothing less, nothing more.
But man oh man am I caught off guard by my emotional state right now! I'm here there and everywhere! I swear it's almost as though I'm feeling a different emotion every 20 minutes... Of course, considering the circumstances, I suppose it's not too terribly surprising.
What does surprise me, however, is my complete inability to describe what I'm feeling. I simply can't put what's going on inside into words. The complexity of emotions is just simply too great. Sometimes I am torn in thirty different directions by thirty different feelings!
The neat thing is that, in some ways, I'm somewhat removed from the emotions. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all. I mean, obviously they're real and I can certainly feel them! But, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't necessarily indulge them; I don't let them control me and my state of mind. I'm still very much at peace and this is even more firmly established in prayer. I mean, honestly (and this surprises me), I don't think too much about everything that's going on when I go to prayer. I find that I will speak with Our Lord about it for a small time near the beginning of prayer, but then I find myself abandoning everything to Him and then resting in His presence. I guess it makes sense. There's no real need to worry about it all in prayer too much. A religious vocation is about pursuing the Beloved, and following Him wherever He leads you. The closer you are to His heart, the clearer what He wants for you becomes...
But, the emotions are still there, even though I am filled with "the peace that surpasses all things." The nerves are definitely kicking in for tomorrow, although in all reality, I have nothing to be nervous about.
One thing (of many!) that has struck me pretty hard in the past few days is how incredibly free the Lord has made this decision for me, especially concerning my parents. He has removed so many obstacles from my saying "yes," not the least being the support of my parents. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to go through with all of this (or even begin it, for that matter), if God's grace were not so evidently at work with them. Having their support... frees me in a way that I wouldn't have been free before. Yet, funny enough, it's almost as though that makes it all the harder to make this sort of decision. Because it's really mine to make. I am given the choice... leave everything behind to follow Him or not.
Yeah, not really explaining that well either.
I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm nervous. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I can't believe that I'm not more freaked out that I'm actually doing this. I'm terrified at what this might mean. I'm terrified I'll be rejected. I'm terrified I'll be accepted. I really just want to be there right now; I don't want to finish school (but I will). I'm scared I'm doing what I want to do and not what He wants me to do. I'm afraid I've totally convinced my self of this. I'm excited. I'm overjoyed.
Most importantly... I'm at peace. And behind everything there is the foundational fact: It's all for His glory. It's all to bring Him joy. Nothing less, nothing more.
It's Official...ish!!!!!
It never ceases to amaze me exactly how much tends to happen in the time span of one week. Kind of funny, I think. Especially in a time in one's life where a lot of major decisions are being made and a time when one is doing a good majority of their growing up.
So, I spent the past few days down at Christendom College visiting a friend. It was fun, although I had other things on my mind the entire time. (The friend is actually a friend of my close friend at school, so we were visiting mostly on my school friend's behalf... if that made any sense... basically I don't know the Christendom friend all too well and we're friends by virtue of my school friend.) The school is an interesting one. Very Catholic. Which is good. Not sure I'd be able to go there, though. But that's a different story for a different day. Although, as a side note, I really enjoyed going to Mass there. They had the N.O. in Latin twice, a E.F., and a very solemnly celebrated N.O. in English. I always enjoy Latin Masses, whether they are in the N.O. or the E.F. so it was a nice change from the Mount (our Masses are almost always N.O. in English, but they're celebrated very reverently as well-- no complaints against that!).
At any rate, I was still anxiously awaiting a call from M. and was ready to try again Tuesday morning. Luckily I checked my e-mail on Tuesday and was pleased to find an e-mail from her, apologizing for not having returned my call and explaining the situation at the convent (apparently one of the sisters' mom is ill and she had to go home, so M. has been doing sister's work in the parish along with her own work). She said to keep trying to call or to just respond to the e-mail with whatever I needed. So, I tried again twice, then decided the heck with it, and just e-mailed her.
That felt slightly strange. Asking to apply over e-mail. But I didn't really know what else to do and I wanted it off my chest. This whole past week has been a difficult one for me and I don't think the anxiety of waiting to make it all official was helping any.
Turns out that was probably the best thing, 'cause M. called me this morning!!! She was so excited for me, which of course, encouraged me a lot!!! We only talked for about ten minutes-- went over what the next few steps would be (all very simple) and... it was just so nice to actually speak with her. I'm also pretty sure that I solidified the idea in her mind that I'm just a little kid... a portion of our conversation:
M: So, did I tell you what the process basically was when you were up here?
Me: Well, I think so. But I'm afraid I don't trust my memory... so, tell me if I'm recollecting correctly... I remember you talking about the interview... and then... something with Mother Sacred Heart? *insert many awkward pauses and an unsure tone of voice*
M: *laughs* You're hilarious... Yes, I'll share the interview with Mother Sacred and then there's psychological testing... etc
She continued on to explain more about the psychological testing. Then at one point she mentions the ink blots and I blurt out: "Those things are real?! I thought those only occurred in movies!!" More laughter from her end.
It's funny, because I'm not normally like that. Ah well. Good for humility, right?!
So, we set up a date for the phone interview... this Friday at 3pm. I'm so excited!!! And a little bit nervous. I have no idea what's going to be asked. I mean, I guess I have some idea... but... I don't know!!! Oh man.
That was this morning. This evening was pretty crazy too.
I called my older brother (in way of siblings, I have only one... my brother, 26, married with three kids, only one is his). He had sent me an e-mail about a week ago and I never really responded to it. I've been meaning to call him since the semester started and I had found out that he was ordered back to North Carolina to prepare for redeployment to Iraq.
We talked for a good 45 minutes... and it was intense. You know, he and I have never really been close. We've loved each other, of course, and so we've always had that sort of bond... but not the type of relationship that we tell each other what's going on in our lives. The age difference has had a lot to do with that in years past. He's 4 1/2 years older than me and had a tough high school/early twenties. He dropped out of high school and did some stupid things... and then by the time I was in high school, he joined the Army, went to boot camp, and was deployed to Iraq for a year and a half, then stationed in North Carolina. So, we never really found that good opportunity to grow in friendship.
So tonight was probably the first time in a long time that we really talked. I told him about wanting to enter religious life... and that was hard. He's how I was before my conversion. He's an atheist and obviously very secular. But, he was supportive. He couldn't understand it very well and I found myself at a loss at how even to explain it to somehow who has no idea... but, again, he just wants me to be happy and to do what I think is right.
We also talked about his situation with the military right now. He's currently recovering from surgery, so he's technically non-deployable... long story short, it looks like he's going to have to apply for medical discharge. He'll probably get it. And then there's the finding of a civilian job, maybe going back to school, etc. They're in need of a lot of prayers.
By the end of our conversation, he and I were both nearly in tears (I admit to crying pretty heftily afterwards). It ended with him apologizing for us not really being close, for being "so stupid" in the years past, and what not.
Overall, it was just a very intense and emotional phone call. But it was good and I hope that he and I can keep growing closer. I worry about him. I don't think he's happy right now...
I talked to my mom for about an hour after that. Another hard conversation. Vocation came up again, but we handled it well. I was able to verbalize once more my desire for this... how I know I have to try it, that I really believe it is what is going to make me happiest, etc, etc. And she reiterated her support, although it was difficult for her. We talked a little bit about it. I mentioned that I was probably [...as in am already...] going to interview/apply with a particular group of sisters, get more concrete information, etc... She doesn't really understand the process of discernment and it might be better that way. I think the more I keep it in understandable terms for her and the rest of the family, the easier it will be for them to accept it. They'll come to understand it more over time. But right now there's absolutely no foundation for understanding it at all.
So, yeah. All in all, a pretty draining day emotionally. And I haven't even really been able to vocalize all that's going on emotionally right now. It's all I've been able to do to even write everything that's happened down. But I figure that it's important at this point. So much is going on...
Well, I'm off to bed. Early morning Mass and holy hour.
So, I spent the past few days down at Christendom College visiting a friend. It was fun, although I had other things on my mind the entire time. (The friend is actually a friend of my close friend at school, so we were visiting mostly on my school friend's behalf... if that made any sense... basically I don't know the Christendom friend all too well and we're friends by virtue of my school friend.) The school is an interesting one. Very Catholic. Which is good. Not sure I'd be able to go there, though. But that's a different story for a different day. Although, as a side note, I really enjoyed going to Mass there. They had the N.O. in Latin twice, a E.F., and a very solemnly celebrated N.O. in English. I always enjoy Latin Masses, whether they are in the N.O. or the E.F. so it was a nice change from the Mount (our Masses are almost always N.O. in English, but they're celebrated very reverently as well-- no complaints against that!).
At any rate, I was still anxiously awaiting a call from M. and was ready to try again Tuesday morning. Luckily I checked my e-mail on Tuesday and was pleased to find an e-mail from her, apologizing for not having returned my call and explaining the situation at the convent (apparently one of the sisters' mom is ill and she had to go home, so M. has been doing sister's work in the parish along with her own work). She said to keep trying to call or to just respond to the e-mail with whatever I needed. So, I tried again twice, then decided the heck with it, and just e-mailed her.
That felt slightly strange. Asking to apply over e-mail. But I didn't really know what else to do and I wanted it off my chest. This whole past week has been a difficult one for me and I don't think the anxiety of waiting to make it all official was helping any.
Turns out that was probably the best thing, 'cause M. called me this morning!!! She was so excited for me, which of course, encouraged me a lot!!! We only talked for about ten minutes-- went over what the next few steps would be (all very simple) and... it was just so nice to actually speak with her. I'm also pretty sure that I solidified the idea in her mind that I'm just a little kid... a portion of our conversation:
M: So, did I tell you what the process basically was when you were up here?
Me: Well, I think so. But I'm afraid I don't trust my memory... so, tell me if I'm recollecting correctly... I remember you talking about the interview... and then... something with Mother Sacred Heart? *insert many awkward pauses and an unsure tone of voice*
M: *laughs* You're hilarious... Yes, I'll share the interview with Mother Sacred and then there's psychological testing... etc
She continued on to explain more about the psychological testing. Then at one point she mentions the ink blots and I blurt out: "Those things are real?! I thought those only occurred in movies!!" More laughter from her end.
It's funny, because I'm not normally like that. Ah well. Good for humility, right?!
So, we set up a date for the phone interview... this Friday at 3pm. I'm so excited!!! And a little bit nervous. I have no idea what's going to be asked. I mean, I guess I have some idea... but... I don't know!!! Oh man.
That was this morning. This evening was pretty crazy too.
I called my older brother (in way of siblings, I have only one... my brother, 26, married with three kids, only one is his). He had sent me an e-mail about a week ago and I never really responded to it. I've been meaning to call him since the semester started and I had found out that he was ordered back to North Carolina to prepare for redeployment to Iraq.
We talked for a good 45 minutes... and it was intense. You know, he and I have never really been close. We've loved each other, of course, and so we've always had that sort of bond... but not the type of relationship that we tell each other what's going on in our lives. The age difference has had a lot to do with that in years past. He's 4 1/2 years older than me and had a tough high school/early twenties. He dropped out of high school and did some stupid things... and then by the time I was in high school, he joined the Army, went to boot camp, and was deployed to Iraq for a year and a half, then stationed in North Carolina. So, we never really found that good opportunity to grow in friendship.
So tonight was probably the first time in a long time that we really talked. I told him about wanting to enter religious life... and that was hard. He's how I was before my conversion. He's an atheist and obviously very secular. But, he was supportive. He couldn't understand it very well and I found myself at a loss at how even to explain it to somehow who has no idea... but, again, he just wants me to be happy and to do what I think is right.
We also talked about his situation with the military right now. He's currently recovering from surgery, so he's technically non-deployable... long story short, it looks like he's going to have to apply for medical discharge. He'll probably get it. And then there's the finding of a civilian job, maybe going back to school, etc. They're in need of a lot of prayers.
By the end of our conversation, he and I were both nearly in tears (I admit to crying pretty heftily afterwards). It ended with him apologizing for us not really being close, for being "so stupid" in the years past, and what not.
Overall, it was just a very intense and emotional phone call. But it was good and I hope that he and I can keep growing closer. I worry about him. I don't think he's happy right now...
I talked to my mom for about an hour after that. Another hard conversation. Vocation came up again, but we handled it well. I was able to verbalize once more my desire for this... how I know I have to try it, that I really believe it is what is going to make me happiest, etc, etc. And she reiterated her support, although it was difficult for her. We talked a little bit about it. I mentioned that I was probably [...as in am already...] going to interview/apply with a particular group of sisters, get more concrete information, etc... She doesn't really understand the process of discernment and it might be better that way. I think the more I keep it in understandable terms for her and the rest of the family, the easier it will be for them to accept it. They'll come to understand it more over time. But right now there's absolutely no foundation for understanding it at all.
So, yeah. All in all, a pretty draining day emotionally. And I haven't even really been able to vocalize all that's going on emotionally right now. It's all I've been able to do to even write everything that's happened down. But I figure that it's important at this point. So much is going on...
Well, I'm off to bed. Early morning Mass and holy hour.
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