Incense and Nerves

I smell like incense.  Which is actually rather relaxing, funny enough.

On Monday nights, immediately following the 10PM Mass, we have half an hour of Eucharistic Adoration concluding with Night Prayer and Benediction.  Our deacon (transitional-- he'll be ordained to the priesthood this June, praise God!) came up to me and asked me to assist him with the incense, humeral veil, etc.  Normally I'm not a huge advocate of females taking up this sort altar serving role...  but I also trust our deacon and chaplain on these sorts of things.  So, I don't sign up to serve or anything like that, but when push comes to shove and they ask me to do something like this, I comply.

Tonight was especially awkward because I was dressed in sweats, having just finished a basketball game.  One of the few times I ever go to Mass dressed so sloppy and I'm asked assist at Adoration!!

And of course I was worried the entire time, trying to remember exactly what I was supposed to do and when.  I've seen it all a million times, but I myself have never done it or been trained to do it.  (First and only time I've ever altar served was at our Divine Mercy Sunday Mass with the Bishop and baptisms and confirmations!!!)  It's funny how much you second guess yourself.

Luckily I did all the right things at all the right times.  Well, I did make one mistake.  I gave the deacon the thurible and I held the boat, rather than the other way around.  Oops.

And what a powerful experience, to incense Our Lord during Benediction!!!

In other news, I have a constant fleet of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.  Other than the nerves, though, I've been pretty calm.  No big spurts of emotions.  Just waiting.  And knowing that I want to do His will more than mine...  so whatever comes from all of this, I can be happy so long as I know that I am following His will for me.  I mean, obviously I want this-- more than I've ever wanted something before, save for baptism and reception into the Church (and heaven, of course!).  The desire is almost overwhelming...  and my experience has been that I very clearly didn't initiate this desire... it was all His work.  Bringing the Order into my life, providing the opportunity to get to know them, slowly drawing my heart, and then falling head over heels, so to say.  It's almost as though He had to convince me that I really want this...  and He's done an amazing job of that.  But it's still gotta be His will, not mine.  My heart is ready, O Lord, my heart is ready!!


Spiritual direction tomorrow, thanks be to God.

More waiting.