Further Disappointment

Ugh.  *insert groan here*

I'm not even sure what to think or feel right now, except that my heart feels like it's dropped into my stomach.  One of those ugh-I-just-wish-not-of-this-was-even-happening feelings.

I was finally able to talk with my spiritual director today.  We haven't talked in about a month and a half, which I suppose isn't too terribly long of an in-between, but there's been some major things going on.  Probably most important is the (forced?) resignation of the Founder of the SSVM's, "my" sisters.  Everything is so vague that it's difficult to really even understand what's going on...  Part of it seems like politics, but some of it doesn't.  Either way, it all seems rather serious.  It has the potential of turning into a Legionaries situation, although I hope and pray that it doesn't/isn't.

My s/d was quite worried about the whole situation.  He's advised not to make any 'decisions' one way or another, but to take a step back into some further and deeper discernment with the Order.  To ask some serious questions from the Order and discern from there.  To pay close attention not only to the answers I'm giving, but how they answer them...

And, well, to be completely honest, I'm a little nervous I won't get any real answers.  If I don't, I mean, I suppose that's quite telling.  But I'm nervous about it none the less.  I'm scared.  I love this Order and I really, really don't want the accusations to be true.  I really don't want to find myself in a situation where I can't enter with them.  Just the thought of somewhere else... after knowing this Order... I don't know.  I can't imagine it.  I can't think of it.

Oh man.  I mean, I know this is the right step... and better to find out now that this isn't a good place for me rather than later.  Doesn't make it feel any better, but it's the truth.  (Sadly, as my s/d mentioned, he's in the same position right now with having to withdraw from the SHU presidential search... better for him to do it now rather than get into something that would've been bad for him... still sucks.  He was excited about it.  But it's not God's will.)

And, who knows, things might be alright.  I really hope so.  I really, really do.  But I just don't know yet.  I need to call M. Lumen and... ask questions, I guess?  I don't even know what to ask.  Well, I guess I have a full month to think about it and pray about it.  She'll be gone at the General Chapter for July...

Well, lots to pray about.  Most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself that this is yet another opportunity for growing in love for God's will, abandoning myself to it, and focusing on Jesus.  I have a full month before... anything, really.  A full month to pray about everything and particularly, to listen.  A full month of little action and a lot of listening.

I don't know what's next for me.  But, as Fr. Tim says, "Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."  Praise God for the opportunity to deny my will and embrace the Cross.

Nephews and Niece

These are my three little ones.  Korey on the left, Kylie-Jo in the center, and Konner on the right.  Rambunctious children, but so gosh darn cute.  5yrs, 1 1/2yrs, and 3yrs, respectively.  I've been watching them for the past few days, since they'll be heading to Ohio for a month to visit my sister-in-law's family.

Korey, he's an all around good kid.  Typical 5-year-old.  Loves movies.  And I mean, loves to watch movies.  Can quote and remember pretty much every movie he watches.  He looks much older in this picture.  He's quite the reader-- reading anything and everything he can see.  Loves chocolate milk.  Loves to hang out with his Aunt Kayla.  This week he's been clinging to me like crazy.  I took him up to bed last night, said goodnight, and he looked at me in dismay, saying, "Well, I need a kiss goodnight!"  So I tucked him in, gave him a kiss, and he said, "Goodnight Aunt Kayla, I love you!"  Love you too, bud.  Even when you puke all over and I'm the one to clean it up.

Konner.  Very passionate.  Stuck in the middle, I think.  He's not sure what his place is-- whether he's supposed to be like his older brother or if he's still a baby, like his younger sister.  So, there can be lots of tantrums and fake crying.  But he's a good kid, he really is.  Looks up to his older brother.  Loves our golden retriever and is definitely a grandpa's boy.  He likes to cuddle a lot, to be held.  When I hold him, he puts his head flat against my shoulder... Makes me melt.  He can't pronounce the letters "k" or "c", so everything comes out with a "t" sound.  "Torey, aunt Taya, Tyie."  And he does this spitting noise at the end of his words, although how exactly, I'm not sure!  And when he's trying to explain something to you, he looks up to the ceiling.  Way too cute.

And little Kylie-Jo.  Far too cute for her own good!  Can get away with pretty much everything with that sly little grin.  Usually a grandma's girl, but has been warming up to me and Grandpa.  In fact, she wouldn't let me put her down all day today.  Likes to get into everything.  Loves to dance and sing.  She just learned how to give kisses and tonight she went around to everyone giving kisses before bed.  The night before last she took her diaper off in the middle of the night.  Oh the mess that ensued in the morning!  Aunt Kayla is getting quite the set of lessons in motherhood.

These three little ones have completely captured my heart.  I love them so much.  I can't even count the times in a day that they make my heart melt.  Of course, I think they give my blood pressure quite the work-out, as well!

I've got two more days with them by myself, then we all go camping for a few days.  Then they'll be gone for a month and hopefully I'll make some progress with the job hunt.

Well, I should head to bed.  Gotta get sleep while I can, since these three seem to like getting up at ungodly hours in the morning!

Trying not to be disappointed...

I'm attempting to keep things perspective and to remember that blasted promise of St. Paul (Romans 8:28, All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.)

My final, potential donor, has fallen through.  Which means it's quite unlikely I'll be entering any time soon... and part of me wants to add, if ever.

$50,000 is a lot of money.  Trying to pay it all off while also taking care of living expenses... Might take half my life.  Also a bit difficult, considering I can't manage to find work.

Times like these my heart sinks to my stomach.  Faced with this sort of opposition, I can hardly fathom how things will work out.  And it makes me question if I even have a vocation to the religious life...

Then there's that small voice in me that questions God's work in all of this.  A part of me that just wants to give up, go to grad school, get married, have beautiful children... Just say, "Hey God, I gave You a chance but apparently things didn't work out."

Too bad love doesn't work that way.  Love doesn't let you turn your back, not unless you want to do damage to your own being.

Alright Jesus, I trust in You.  I really have no idea how all of this is going to work out, but I trust in You.


Lead, Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home --
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene, -- one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that Thou
Should'st lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will: remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on,
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone;
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.


-The Pillar of the Cloud by John Henry Newman

Spiritual Direction!

Woot!!  Spiritual direction on Wednesday of next week.  Never had a meeting over the phone before... but that's perfectly alright with me.  I'm in desperate need.  I haven't been able to find a new director out West, so I'm just pleased that my old (current?) director is willing to chat via phone until I can.  Not to mention, just the thought of starting all over right now is a dreadful one.  Maybe it's easier than I think, but...  Well, let's just say I'm pleased.

And actually, if I end up moving back East at the end of the summer, there's a chance I could stay with my current (old? haha) director until I enter, since he didn't take the Seton job (which was due to Seton pulling him around like crazy...  the campus was split about taking him, and the staff was dead against it and apparently had voted to open the search, which meant things would be put on hold for him until they found a second candidate to run him against... ridiculous.  The process was too long as it was already.)

On a side note, I've decided to resurrect an old blog of mine called Philosophical Musings.  It has some older stuff on there, none of it is worth reading, so I wouldn't bother.  And most of what I plan on writing in their probably isn't worth reading, either.  But if you're interested, it'll be more oriented toward my philosophical and theological... well, musings.  Mostly going through what I'm studying over the summer and hitting some topics that I enjoy thinking about.  I can't promise that anything'll be coherent, but it's there.  I need to make sure I keep writing (more than these pathetic little blog entries).  Gotta make sure I keep up somesort of semi-academic writing.

Toodles.

Obediential potency

Below is the second reading from today's Office, a homily by St. Gregory of Nyssa titled "The Hope of Seeing God."  I'm not usually very good at doing the Office of Readings... for whatever reason I just never get around to it.  I'm fairly good at keeping the other major hours, but even those slip away from me at times.  Clearly I'm not bound to pray the liturgy of the hours, but I do enjoy the prayer and try to keep it as well as I can.

Anyways, I happened to not sleep much at all last night.  I went to bed around 1:30am, woke up around 4am, and then laid in bed for an hour.  Finding myself rather wide-awake, I decided to get up and start my day.  Coffee, a pop-tart, and reading Archbishop Chaput's address on the relationship between evangelization and liturgy (which, is excellent, by the way... I might comment on it later).  Then I decided that I should actually start my day with prayer, rather than this blasted thing called the internet.  So I grabbed my brievary and began the invitiatory.

But it was today's second reading that really caught my attention.  It's theme something that has been the object of my study for the past two weeks (and really, a topic that I've dabbled in for the past semester, but haven't had the chance to really dig into until now): obediential potency and the relationship between grace and nature.  Of course, I've been studying this within the scope of Thomistic theology, but we find in today's reading a great insight into the issue by Gregory of Nyssa.

St. Gregory correctly identifies something of the paradox of the Christian life: We are promised (or called to)  by Jesus the Beatific vision-- to see God face to face, to enjoy and possess (and be possessed fully by) our Creator.  The means of achieving this end?  Purity of heart, so says Jesus in the Beatitudes.  What exactly that means is a topic for another day (albeit a very interesting and edifying one).  The paradox of this, of course, is that purity of heart seems to be something which we are not capable of by our own power.  How then can we attain to the Beatific vision if that which is required is impossible for us to achieve?  Clearly this cannot be the totality of the picture, since, as Thomas teaches, no natural desire is in vain (ST I, q. 75, a. 6).  It would be unjust, for as St. Gregory states, "The law of each creature’s being does not demand that it should do something that it is beyond its own nature to do."

The translation below is different than the one in the brievary, which says, "If then in the case of all other creatures the command is according to the capacity of those who receive it, and does not oblige them to anything beyond their nature, we shall come to the conclusion that we are not to give up hope of gaining what is promised by the beatitude."  I like this particular translation because of the phrase "according to the capacity of those who receive it."

Thomas expounds upon this theological point by noting that while human nature has a natural desire for God (ST. I-II, q. 3, a. 8), it is a desire for God as first cause, which is different than the supernatural desire for God, which is for God in His essence, ie the beatific vision.  That is to say that man does not have a natural desire for God in His revealed Being, Holy Trinity, which is why it is impossible of our own power to achieve the purity of heart necessary for attaining the beatific vision.  However, as Thomas teaches, human nature has a purely obediential potency for grace, which elevates human nature and orders man to a supernatural end in the vision of God.  That is, as St. Gregory himself says, human nature has the "the capacity to receive" the command of God to the beatific vision.  And as Thomas teaches, only grace can direct the movement of the will toward beatitude (ST. I, q. 62, a. 2).

Main point?  Of our own powers, we are incapable of "grasping at equality with God"-- we cannot, through our own efforts and powers, attain the beatific vision promised by Jesus Christ.  However, with the grace of God, we are given what is needed to fulfill the "upward call" of Christ.  We are raised by Jesus to a new life in Him, that has its final end in Him.  It is through His grace that we shall achieve purity of heart and therefore be granted the blessed vision of God!!

Homily of St. Gregory of Nyssa: Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God. God’s promise is so great that it passes the furthest limits of happiness. Given such a blessing, who could desire more, having already received all things by the fact of seeing God? Remember that in Scriptural usage ‘seeing’ means ‘having.’ May you see the good things of Jerusalem means ‘may you find them.’ Let the ungodly be taken away and not see the glory of the Lord means, in the prophet’s words, ‘not share in the glory of the Lord.’

  So whoever ‘sees God’ receives, in this act of seeing, possession of everything that is good: incorruptible life without end, blessedness that cannot fail, a kingdom without end, happiness without limit, true light, the true voice of the Spirit, glory never before reached, perpetual rejoicing, and all else that is good.

  The promise of this Beatitude gives us the right to hope for these great things. All this sight of God is conditional on having a pure heart – and thinking of this, my mind is once more teetering on a dizzy peak. What if purity of heart is one of those unattainable things that are simply beyond our human nature? If, on the one hand, it is by purity of heart that God can be seen, and if, on the other hand, Moses and Paul did not see God and said that he could never be seen, it follows logically that purity of heart must be impossible, so that in pronouncing this Beatitude, the Word is putting forward something that simply cannot be.

  How can we benefit from knowing the means by which God can be seen, if that means is impossible for us?

  Suppose, for instance, that someone told us it was good to find oneself in heaven because there one would see things that cannot be seen in this world. Now if he also told us how a journey to heaven might be undertaken, there might be some use in telling us about its delights. But as long as the journey is impossible, what use is it to think about the happiness that might lie at the end of it? We would simply suffer and be sad at the thought of the things that await us somewhere where we cannot go.

  Does the Lord really encourage us to do something that is beyond our nature and our powers to accomplish? Surely not. Look at the birds: God has not created them without wings. Look at sea creatures: God has not designed them as land animals. Wherever we look, the law of each creature’s being does not demand that it should do something that it is beyond its own nature to do.

  Let us reflect on this and realise that we should not despair of the purity of heart that the Beatitude speaks of. John, Paul and Moses did not, in the end, lack the sublime blessing of seeing God. Paul said There is laid up for me a crown of justice, which the Lord, the just judge, will render to me; John lay on Jesus’ breast; and Moses heard God say to him, I have known you above all. It is certain that those who said that the contemplation of God was beyond human power were themselves blessed. But blessedness comes from the contemplation of God, and seeing God is something that comes to those who are pure of heart. It follows logically that purity of heart cannot be an unattainable thing.

  So if some, with Paul, truly say that the contemplation of God is beyond human power, yet the Lord himself contradicts them by promising the sight of God to those who are pure of heart.

Starting a business?

So.  My dad is something of a good photographer.  By good, I mean, really good.  Not over-the-top excellent, but definitely good enough to be a professional photographer.  He has all of the professional equipment (to my mother’s dismay… he’s been purchasing and upgrading for the past five years).  He’s done a few gigs on the side— three weddings, some senior photos, etc.

My dad’s been thinking about starting a business for the past year or so.  He hates his current job.  And he knows he’s good enough to do it.  And he has all of the equipment, all of pre-reqs.

He brought it up to me tonight.  Ya know, going in together.  

It’s something to think about.  Something to pray about.  It would take a lot of effort.  I didn’t exactly major in business.  Haha.  But I think it’s doable.  Heck, we could be up and running by next month, if we really wanted to.  Of course, we’d start off slow— Dad would keep his job until the business shows enough prospect of becoming a full-time shin-dig.

Of course…  Well, I’m not really in this for the long-run, am I?  Once I pay off my loans, I’d head out.  Not that I mind letting my dad know that I’m not in it for the long run… but he doesn’t know about my loan situation and he can’t find out about it.

Minor complications.  Something like this probably won’t completely take-off as a full-time thing for a few years.  By that time I hope to be in the convent.  But I could help start the part-time business.  Make some money with it.  I mean, to be honest, it’s not like I’ve got much going on in my life right now anyways.  And if I do manage to find a real job soon, I can still work on this part-time.

First glance, there doesn’t seem to be anything ‘negative’ about the project.  I know my dad’s really been wanting to do this, but he can’t get it up and started on his own.  He needs help.  So even I just help it start up and am gone by the time it really takes off… well, he’ll be doing something he loves.  And that’s worth it alone.

Dad has me working on drawing up a business plan right now.  o_O

I still need to pray about it.  But there doesn’t seem to be any major ‘negative’ factors with all of this.  At least not with dabbling into it.  Most likely it would start out something pretty small.  Doing some weddings, senior portraits, some sporting events.  Types of events that can be done in congruence with real jobs.  If anything, it's a couple hundred bucks a pop on the side of a steady (or in my case, non-existant) income. 

On a completely different note: I went to my parish's summer RCIA class tonight (they have one once a month during the summer).  The topic was St. Louis de Montfort's Total Consecration to Mary, so of course I was quite pleased.  :-)  Got to talk with the director for a while afterwards-- he taught my RCIA class three years ago.  We had a good conversation.  If I'm still around in the Fall, he wants to let me teach a few lessons!  I'm really excited about it!  He's also going to keep an eye out in his circle of friends for any jobs.  He made a good point to me when we were talking... at this point, in this economy, the only real stable way of getting a good job is through personal connections.  There are only a few jobs out there, and they're going to people who know people.  Just the way it is right now.

Surprisingly, I'm rather at peace right now.  Wish God would be a little more clear in shedding light on the steps between here and the convent-- or at least just simply the next step, haha.  But ya know, God's timing.  In a way, He has revealed the next step.  Right now it's spending time with my family.  Lots of time with them.  (By the way, past few nights have been great!!  Sipping cocktails and playing card games with my mom in a light summer breeze out on the back porch... love it!)  When it's time to get to serious work, God'll show me.  And I'll jump up and put my very best effort into it!!  Just say the word, Lord, and I'll be ready!

It's a beautiful day!!

We may spend 80% or more of our year enduring the constant patter and splatter of tropical rain (hey, we're technically a rainforest), but when summer finally rolls around, boy do we have something beautiful!!

That's a picture my dad took of Mt. Hood last year, I think.  She's a pretty one.  We're heading up there to go camping on 4th of July weekend, which should be excellent.  We're going to this nice campground that we went to all through my childhood.  I've probably been there a total of 40 or 50 times, although it's definitely been a few years now.  My brother and his family are coming too, so it's going to be great.  I can't wait.

I wanted to head out for a bike ride yesterday, but I found that my tire tubes need to be replaced.  :-/  Hopefully we can get that done before the camping trip.  I think today I'm going to take Vegas, my dog, down to the lake and explore the trails down there.  Gotta do something with my days!

Another picture of Mt. Hood.  Wish I could find the ones my dad took of Mt. St. Helen's, 'cause she's a beauty too.  We can see both of them from my house.  And on really good days, we can see Mt. Rainier too.

On a side note, I can't say the phrase "It's a beautiful day" without getting Mr. Roger's song stuck in my head.

Jesus, I trust in You... I just don't trust myself!!

I feel like I'm at such a frustrating point right now.  These past few days have been enlightening for me.  The Lord has been gently reminding me of abandonment.  Of total and complete trust in Divine Providence.  He has been showing me where I continue to hold on to my own will, revealing desires that need to be purified.  It's a bittersweet sort of time-- bitter because it is difficult to let go of these things, sweet because I know that it is the work of the Divine Physician.  I know that is His will, and that brings me great joy.

But do I know that it is His will?  This question haunts me something terrible!  

When I bring my whole job and financial situation to the Lord, I receive a most frustrating answer:  Wait.  Abandon yourself to Me.  Rest here with Me.

At a time when it seems like I need a bit more of a concrete answer...  Should I get a job?  Which Coast?  What kind of job?  I'm ready do anything, to do everything, to work as hard as I possibly can until I can enter.

Yet, when I present my enthusiasm to the Lord, I am rebuked.  Yes, I can work hard.  I've done that my entire life.  Worked harder than everyone else so that I could achieve what I wanted.  I've never been overly talented at anything, but the work-ethic and self-discipline instilled into me as a child has given me the tools I need to succeed-- at whatever I put my mind toward.

And this is what God wants from me.  To recognize that this is His work, not mine.  That I can't do it on my own.  This isn't something that my hard work and will alone can accomplish.  So hold onto your horses and be still.  Wait.  Give everything to Me.

But this is so counter-intuitive!  When I look at it logically...  I have an absurd amount of loans to pay off.  The sooner I get to work, the faster I can get rid of them.  Every minute I spend lounging around at the house is exponentially increasing the money I'm going to have to pay.  

This makes me question whether or not what I think I'm receiving in prayer really isn't from God.  How can I justify not doing anything, putting in no effort on this front?  Surely I'm missing something.  What if God is really telling me something different and I'm too inept to perceive it?

I don't know...  I feel trapped.  If I ignore what I think I'm receiving in prayer, I feel like I will be ignoring this call of God to an even deeper spirit of abandonment.  On the other hand, I feel like it's imprudent not to be super active in the job search, even to the point of getting part-time jobs or something.

I really wish I had recourse to my spiritual director right now.  He's out of the country.  And I'm not even sure that he's technically my director anymore.  But that's a whole 'nother issue that I don't know what to do about.

Praise God.  I don't know what He's working right now, but I know it is for my good.  Just pray that I am amiable to His movements, generously responding to His will in all things.


Edit: Wouldn't you know that God works in mysterious ways.  After writing this post, I went to go find my copy of Abandonment to Divine Providence, since it seemed to me to be a good thing to reread for spiritually reading.  I was flipping through the pages and came across this particular passage:


To effect this God combats all the personal affections of the soul, so that when these take any especial shape, such as some pious notion, some help to devotion; or when there is any idea of being able to attain perfection by some such method, or such a path or way, or by the guidance of some particular person; in fine to whatever the soul attaches itself, God upsets its plans, and allows it to find, instead of success in these projects, nothing but confusion, trouble, emptiness, and folly. Hardly has it said "I must go this way, I must consult this person, or, I must act in such a manner," than God immediately says the exact contrary, and withdraws all the virtue usual in the means adopted by the soul. Thus, finding only deception and emptiness in everything, the soul is compelled to have recourse to God Himself, and to be content with Him.


Happy the soul that understands this lovingly severe conduct of God, and that corresponds faithfully with it. It is raised above all that passes away to repose in the immutable and the infinite. It is no longer dissipated among created things by giving them love and confidence, but allows them only when it becomes a duty to do so, or when enjoined by God, and when His will is made especially manifest in the matter. It inhabits a region above earthly abundance or dearth, in the fulness of God who is its permanent good.

A Great Blessing

Both of my parents grew up in broken households.  My grandfathers on both sides were lousy men who abandoned their families to drink and gamble at the racetracks.  My mom had three brothers and my dad had five and both of my grandmothers worked two jobs just to make ends-meat, providing for their children.  They grew up on the same street in North Portland, the same street that I spent my early childhood growing up on.

At the age of 23 or 24, my dad's disease hit him at full speed.  Nobody could diagnose what it was, they didn't have a clue.  His joints were failing him, his mobility became extremely limited, and he was in severe pain.  It was attacking his organs, too.  He was set to die by the time I was five.  Of course, I didn't know it then.  

Then, by the grace of God, he found a doctor that could diagnose his disease.  Found some experimental medicine to put him on that would slow down the progression, although it wouldn't be able to cure it.  He'd be in pain for the rest of his life, despite the myriads of pain meds he takes daily.

My dad's a fighter.  So is my mom.  She's stood by him this entire time.  I can only imagine how difficult that must've been for her, early in her marriage, two small kids...

I never knew any of this growing up.  I guess I was just naive.  I knew dad had somesort of disease, but I never knew what it was or what it did to him.  I never knew that as a young child I was so close to losing my dad.

I've only recently come to know about my dad's condition, about how he's had to fight it almost all of his adult life. It's only been recently that I've seen the pain he's in and has been in for his whole life.  

He never let on.  He never let us kids see how worn out he was all the time.  He made so many sacrifices for us and we never saw it.  Never appreciated it.  The same with mom.  She loves him so.

You know, it's been a tremendous grace, this past year, coming to see my parents in a way that I never have before.  They are non-believers, but I can honestly say that I think they are some of the most virtuous people I know.  

Praise God.  I grew up witnessing sacrificial love without even knowing it.  Now I can truly come to appreciate all of the lessons that my parents have and continue to teach me.  In their relationship with each other, in their relationship with me and my brother...  It's such a blessing and one that I've only even really come to recognize here tonight.

I don't know how much longer my dad'll be with us.  That statement sounds a little more serious than it should-- it's not as though he's currently on his death bed.  But his disease has taken it's toll on him.  It's in it's third and final stage, where it's beginning to fuse together all of his joints and will then progress once again to his organs.  In the next few months he'll probably undergo a hip replacement to try and keep mobile for a few more years.  But, according to the progression of the disease, it may be as few as 7-8 years before his organs give way.  Of course, that's barring any new medicines and it also doesn't take into consideration the fight left in my dad.  It could be 15 year-- who knows.  But it could be sooner than that.

Heh.  I didn't intend this post to be about my dad or my family.  In fact, I had been planning to talk more about abandonment... but somehow all of this came out.  I'm glad it did.  It brought to mind how very blessed I've been in my family.  I think I forgot that for a while, during my struggle to find myself.  I guess most teenagers and young adults do.

Purification

I know that it's usually a bad sign when anxiety begins to overtake your sense of peace.  Usually means something's not right and you need to reexamine some stuff.

Anxiety about job and money issues has slowly been eating away at my peace, dragging me back down into the depths of... I'm not even sure how to explain my state of mind lately.  Worried, stressed, anxious, depressed, unmotivated, frustrated, I-just-want-to-curl-up-into-a-ball-and-hide-in-a-corner-until-everything-is-worked-out.

It's been particularly difficult because it has felt as though I can't even bring all of this to the Lord.  I have it swimming around in my head all day long and then, when I'm finally able to to go to Adoration or to Mass or to prayer of any sort, everything just slips away.  Everything is a blank and if I can say anything to Jesus, it's merely, "Well I had something to talk to you about..."

Okay, okay, Jesus.  I get it.  It's not time to talk about all of that right now.  You just want me to be still and to be with You.  To sit with You, to love You.


And then my mind wanders, I pull it back.  It begins to wander again, I pull it back.  I wonder why I'm even at prayer.  But that's a brief thought because it's been ingrained in me to persevere through these times of dryness.  So I sit there.  Still.  Quiet.  Doing nothing.

Of course, a few hours after prayer, I'm back to worrying, anxiety, and all of the above.  Perhaps because I have nothing to do but think about those things.  About how badly I want to enter.  About how badly I want a good-paying job so I can work on my student loans...

Silly Kayla.

Abandonment.

It's time for a purification of my desires.  Why is it that I want so badly to enter the convent?  To be exclusively His.  To be concerned only with Him.  To love Him more.  To be made perfect.  To be possessed by and to possess Him.  In a word: Jesus.

A desire put into my heart by God Himself.  A desire that He will fulfill, in His own time.  Not mine.

So why focus on something other than the only desire of my heart?  Why focus so much and worry so much about money or about a job, however well ordered those desires are toward my ultimate desire?  God well knows my needs, He well knows what is needed in order for me to enter.  So why focus on anything but Jesus right now?

Have I let my desire to enter the convent become something more than my desire for Jesus?  Am I pursuing my own desires over the will of God?

Abandonment.  Abandonment to God's will.  Right here, right now.

Oh this lesson should be so familiar to me.  It has been the one He has been teaching all year long.  A purification of my desires... a purification to only one thing: Jesus.  My other desires, they are good things.  They are goods in and of themselves.  But they are not the Good.  Purification.

And that's what I desire in the religious life, is it not?  To be made pure?  So why should I flee from the purifying hand of God outside of the convent?

The desire burns within me, a desire put into my heart by God.  But first, before He should allow me to attain to it, He wants to purify my desires.

Jesus, be my only desire.


Silly Kayla.  Silly, silly Kayla.  Funny how even a good thing can become somehow prohibiting in one's relationship with God.

Funny how God can remind a soul of something like this in a single moment of grace.  Then the soul is presented with two options: to work with this gift, this out-pouring of grace, and amend one's life, to present itself before God and abandon everything at His feet.  Or to ignore the movement of grace and continue in its stubborn ways.

Jesus, be my only desire.

Sleep

Sleep is once again becoming elusive.

*le sigh*


This generally happens within a few weeks of being home.  I don't know exactly why, but it does.  Hopefully it won't develop as badly as it did last summer.  That was pretty bad-- I'd be up until 4-5am, and then I'd only sleep for a few hours.

Right now it's only 11:40pm, so I don't have too much cause to be alarmed, save for the fact that I've been going to bed around 10pm since I've been home.  It's just that it's been taking about an hour to get to sleep these past few nights and tonight is worse than usual.  It always starts out slow like this, then turns into full-blast insomnia.

Trust me, I don't need to battle with insomnia in addition to other things right now.

I need to write.  Something.  Anything.  Maybe a short story.  I've had this idea for a short story floating around for a while now...  I would follow the soldier that pierced Jesus on the cross from the agony in the garden all the way up to death of Christ.  For some reason he's been in meditations during the sorrowful mysteries.  At each event, the soldier's eyes meet with Jesus', and slowly there's a conversion of heart, culminating in his exclamation, "Truly this man was the Son of God!"

Hm.  Well, I suppose I'll try to go to sleep again.  Here's to trying.

Gone Mad

Just so everyone knows:

I've gone crazy.  Bonkers.  Mad.

All because I have nothing to do.  And no motivation to do it.

That is all.

The Man I Want to Be

Today I heard one of my favorite "new" country songs.  It's called "The man I want to be" and it's sung by Chris Young.  It's a really good one.

Anyways, I was struck by something as I listened to it today...  I don't hate myself anymore.  In fact, I'd kind of say that I've rather grown on myself.  ;-)

I know that sounds so very melodramatic, but for me, it's a nice realization.  One for which to give glory to God. It's very refreshing to see, very concretely, an area where I have been healed by God's great mercy and love.

God is good!!

Job difficulties

This is slightly frustrating.  And by slightly, I mean pretty gosh darn frustrating.

I don't know what to do about a job.

I've been looking around a little bit, putting in applications...  But I have to admit to the whole thing being fairly half-hearted.  Not because I don't wish to work-- I absolutely do!!  I want a good job and I want to work as hard as I need to in order to pay off my loans.

The problem is that I'm straddling two different coasts right now and I don't know on which one I'll be living long-term.  Everything that I've found to apply to here at home are part-time "professional" jobs.  Ones that I would feel very guilty taking and then leaving in three months.  I haven't found any full-time positions for which I'd be eligible.  At least not out here.

And, frankly, if I'm going to live at home and work, it's going to have to be with a full-time job.  I won't do part-time work here, not long term.  If I'm doing part-time work, I'd rather be doing part-time work and living at the Novitiate house.  At least then I'd be able to grow spiritually, be with the Sisters, and be able to see my friends.

But it's a little difficult to search for jobs when you're living on a different coast.  Still haven't heard back from the Catholic school principal.  That's my only lead right now.  I ended up just explaining the entire situation to him-- about my discernment, about everything.  I don't think it would have been fair to him to keep it to myself.

Ugh.

Why are things so difficult?  Honestly tempts me to just go back to school.  It really does.  Because that's exactly what I'd do if things weren't the way they are vocation-wise.  Actually, I'd head out to do mission work somewhere for a few months-year and then go to school.  Maybe in Rome.  I don't know.

But, Deo Gratias, I suppose.  Because if I weren't having job difficulties, I wouldn't face the temptation to procrastinate my vocation by going to school.

Family Stuff

My dad came home today with... a lot... of prescription medicine.  He had an impromptu doctor's appointment today because his hips has been hurting him something awfully bad lately.  Which means that his disease is breaking through his current medicine...  which is the last experimental medicine they have.  And this is all indicative that his disease is or is close to transitioning into it's third and final stage.  When that is in full gear, all of his joints will fuse together and he will be completely immobile (it's already begun in his lower spinal cord).  Then the disease will attack his organs.

I don't know.  I don't know.

My grandfather is in town.  He flew in sometime today, it seems.  Which means he'll probably stop by sometime in the next few days.  I know it sounds harsh, but I hope I'm not home when he does.  I don't care for him much, frankly.  He was absent from my life until a few years ago, absent from my mother's almost her entire life.  He's insensitive and only manages to hurt people when he comes around.

It's sad, really.  Because he doesn't know how to love.  He's like one of those people who does indeed love others, but has no idea how to really show it.  Every attempt only hurts others.  I guess I should be able to let go of my personal "hurts" from him, especially when I see all of this...  but it's a bit more difficult than that.  I wish I knew why.

In other news, I drove the kiddos back up to my brother's today.  It was a good five days with them.

I'm not feeling so well tonight.  I think I'll head to bed now.

IDK

A few weeks ago I had dinner with two friends that I hadn't seen in quite a while.  We were talking about my discernment and what have you, and I remember making an off-hand comment about how there was tiny part of me that was a bit uneasy about the fact that it's so new.  You know, considering everything that's been going on with the Legionaries and Fr. Maciel.  It seems like new orders are subject to that sort of scandal nowadays.

So, consider my sadness when I heard that the founder of *my* community has been asked to resign from his post as Superior General.  I think my heart dropped straight to my stomach when I saw the news article.  I've read a few different articles on it, including his own letter to the Pope.  From what I can tell, things don't seem to be nearly on the same level as Fr. Maciel.  There doesn't appear to be any sexual scandal at all, Deo Gratias.  But there are other things: manipulation, brain-washing, etc.  And those are things I've heard in the rumour-well before.

I don't really know what to think.  I wish there was more information about this whole thing.  I'd be lying if I said it didn't stand as a concern to me.  I just don't know what to think.  On one hand, this could be something of an imperfection in the Order as a whole, and something that with prayer and penance can be overcome, thus enabling the Order to return to a healthy state.  It almost seems that, in its attempt to be a conservative Order (an admirable goal, btw, especially in response to the major decline of the past century), it has slightly over-stepped the boundaries.  Virtue is in the middle, and I think possibly the attempt to get away from the left pushed too far into the right.

But I really don't know, because I don't know any specifics.

And I don't know if this is something I should really heavily consider with my own vocation.  It causes me some concern, yet I can't help but feel called to this Order.  I mean, God calls people to imperfect institutions, right?  I see it all the time with Dioceses.  One of my good friends is a seminarian for a diocese that isn't so hot right now.  But he perseveres.

Yet at the same time...

Oh, I just don't know.  I wish I could talk with my s/d and see what he has to say about this.

Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved

Oh God, what am I doing?  What in the world am I doing?!

Somebody splash my face with some cold water; wake me up from this fantastical dream.  Somebody.  Something.

I am acutely aware of the strangeness of my situation.  What I thought to be sincerity bleeds into lucid anxiety.  Surely I am not in my right mind.  Surely I’ve gone crazy.  Mad.  Bonkers.

“I’ve gone mad, haven’t I?”

“I’m afraid so.  Absolutely bonkers…

But I’ll tell you a secret, all the best people are!”

Hm.  Perhaps there’s some truth to that statement.  Not that I count myself amongst “the best people.”  But if you think about all of our ‘greats,’ you might find that they could very easily be considered bonkers.  Barking mad.

Yet, there’s no hope for me to regain my sanity.  I’ve gone too far, I’m a lost case.  Yes, leave me be.  Leave me to drown in the depths of my own fantasy.  I can’t be saved from this.  Why not?  Because all of the pleasures of the world taste as ash in my mouth now.  Even if I wanted to turn back now, it would be near impossible.  I mean, sin can accomplish anything.  But the world means nothing to me now.  To return to its bleak offerings and to refuse the sweetness from above would be a living Hell for me.

Oh Heaven help me.  I can’t do this on my own.  Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved.  I can’t do this on my own.

My impatience is getting rather ridiculous-- God grant me patience, but not yet!!  As in, let's not make me grow in patience with this particular situation.

Since I've had no long thus far in trying to find a job (waiting to hear back on my only lead), I've been able to spend a lot of time reading and doing some online apologetics (and, well, in person apologetics with those Mormon missionaries).  Right now I'm reading The Three Ages of the Interior Life by Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, OP...  it is absolutely fantastic!!  I highly recommend it.  How can I explain this book?  It's like...  a treatise on the interior life that combines the more 'mystical' elements of the greats like St. John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila with the doctrinal and more deductive teachings of St. Thomas-- starting it all with a foundation on grace, its nature and importance.

This book is seriously blowing my mind.  And I'm still waiting for Steven Long's Natura Pura to come in from Amazon...

Complete side-note:  With all of my reading of Thomistic works, my visits to the Dominican priory for Mass, and my continued study of the Summa... My desires to be a Dominican are being rekindled within me.  Of course, I don't have to be a Dominican to be a good Thomist... but still.  All I know is that if the women's communities of Dominicans were like the male's, I would join them in a heartbeat. (Not to say there's anything lacking in the women Dominicans, just that they're not really all that similar to the male branch.)  Well, and then there's the whole she-bang about God calling me elsewhere, despite my great love for the Dominicans... I guess that's important too.  ;-)


Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that I really just want to enter right now.  Just when I thought that desire could not increase any more, it is doubled.  I need to go...

And how frustrating it is to know that I simply can't.  Not right now.  Perhaps not even for a couple of years (God-willing not!).

Yet, may God be praised.  Somehow this waiting and this suffering brings greater glory to Him than if I were to go right now.  I'm not entirely sure how that is...  but I do know that it's not yet my time.  So I must abandon myself once again to His will.  How infinitely more pleasing it is to my God that I submit to His will right now.  And an act of abandonment to God's will in this situation is all the more valuable to my perfection.

Still.  It's hard.  But I must remind myself that it is nothing less than love for God that draws my heart to the convent... it would be sad indeed if I desired the convent more than I loved God... and love of God is to rejoice in doing His will.  In the present moment.

So here I am.  A college graduate.  21 years old.  Jobless.  Living at home with my parents.

Okay, okay.  No more whining.  :-)

Oh Heaven help me...

Be careful what you wish for...

I was at the end of the year Concert/Symphonic Band/Wind Ensemble concert tonight (they did an amazing job, by the way), reminiscing about my years in band and wishing that I had more of an opportunity to play my trumpet.

I come back home and see a message from the Sacred Music Director at my parish asking if I would be willing to play for the Corpus Christi procession on Sunday (yes, we do an actual procession-- it's epic... through downtown and back).

Unfortunately my yamaha is still back East.  I have my beginner's one here at home and I picked up tonight just to see how I sound.  I haven't played in... gosh, probably about six months.  And I haven't played consistently in a year or so.

My tone isn't too bad, and my range isn't terrible.  I know my endurance is terrible (I only played for about ten minutes, just to see if I could stand my sound), and that's my biggest worry.  But if I remember correctly from years past, it isn't a whole lot of playing.  Just at the beginning of each altar.  Or the end.  I can't quite remember.  But usually that's a professional trio... so I'm hoping they're still involved....

Oh, what am I getting myself into?????

Looks like I'll be playing a lot in the next few days to try and build up my endurance.  And e-mailing my high school band director to see if he'd be willing to let me borrow his trumpet for the weekend.