God is so good to me. Like, infinitely good. Especially when I least expect it.
So, one of my constant worries (usually stored in the back of my mind where I try not to think about it too much), is that I really haven't been accepted. Sounds silly, right? Well, when you "acceptance letter" comes in the form of an e-mail that says, "All is well", that worry makes a little more sense. And, to be honest, I worry about the smallest of wording issues as it is.
Well, when thinking about going forth with the Laboure Society, that little worry kept popping up in my mind. Since, you know, they require a letter from the Order stating one's acceptance status.
Like I said. God is so good. Early this afternoon what I do receive but an e-mail from Mother that says something to the sort of "You are all ready to enter, just waiting for those loans to be taken care of!" (It was sent to three of us who are apparently all in the same situation-- more on that later.) Yessss. Ready to enter. That makes things clear enough for me to throw that old worry to the streets.
Oh-- and how awesome that she e-mailed the same day I was going to call? Actually, I had tried calling prior to receiving her e-mail, but didn't get a hold of anyone. After receiving her e-mail, I decided to just respond via e-mail instead of calling, since she asked for updates on us anyways. :-P And can I just say how much more that put me at ease as well? Since, you know, I had to ask about the whole Founder thing. Awkward. But much less awkward when I can control exactly how to say it. And much less awkward now that it can't really catch her off-guard in her response to me and she can think about how she wants to respond.
I'm super excited to hear that there are two other girls in my same situation! And yes, I'm something of a creeper, and I looked them up on facebook. I could only find one of them, though. I'm going to wait a while before friend request/e-mailing them (mostly to see if they'll do it first). I mean, these could my future classmates!!! How awesome is that?!!! I hope it's not weird that I want to talk with them. Or that the desire to do so will eventually cause me to friend request and/or e-mail them.
My fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved. Your gaze stops my heart, Your voice fills the dark, Your love is the spark that lights this life...
Oh man. Like I said in my last entry, it's crazy how the moment things begin to look they might actually happen, fear takes over again!! It's like a reality check that freezes me in place. Am I crazy? Can I really do this? Is God really calling me to this life?
I've tried going through my usual checklist of bringing back reason into the flood of fear. Do I believe God exists? Do I believe that I really have experienced His great love for me and do I love Him? To whom else would I go?
Then I read one of the many passages in Scripture where Jesus talks about leaving behind father and mother and brother and sister and giving up all possessions and following him.
I feel a little bit better, but still gripped with fear. How can I do this? I don't have the strength...
So what do I do?
I go to Mary. Because that's what I do when I feel afraid. I go to my Mommy and I give everything to her. And I was talking with her about everything, I was filled with an immediate understanding...
Here I am, focusing on my fears about all of this... which means I'm not focusing on God and I'm not abandoning myself to His will in the present moment. How often I do this! The minute I take my gaze off of Him and put it back on myself-- that's when the fears take hold! But, if I keep my gaze only on Him, nothing can move me, nothing can frighten me. Abandoning myself to Him gives me full confidence that He will give me all of the graces I need and desire.
So there we have it. I wasn't even asking for this consolation, but being such an awesome Father, God saw fit to give it to me anyways when I went to the Blessed Mother.
God is so good.
Friday, September 17, 2010
As they say, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."
Oh man. The terror has returned and gripped me so tightly that it's hard to breath (figuratively speaking, of course).
So, about a week ago, I ran into the Laboure Society somewhere on the internet and felt a swift nudge of the Holy Spirit that completely caught me by surprise. For various reasons (which I've come to find were actually misconceptions), I had brushed aside this organization as an option for my debt relief. Anyways, I was a little caught off guard by the sudden movement of the Holy Spirit, but being slow and ignorant, I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't know what He wanted me to do with it.
Then, a few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a facebook message about the Laboure Society and suggested that I check it out. Thanks Holy Spirit; I gotchya now. I figured that I had ignored obvious signs for too long.
Oh, and did I mention that a week and a half ago (so a few days before the first prompting of the Holy Spirit), I sat down and basically begged God, if it was His will, to help me find a benefactor and to enter as soon as He could possibly arrange it? Yeah.
So, of course, I stalled some more. Don't ask me why, even when knowing what God's will is in a particular moment, I manage to still dilly-daggy.
Then there was a post on phatmass from a lovely young lady who works for the Laboure Society and represents them on the phorum. I thought to myself, Okay, I guess it can't hurt to PM her and see what's what with this foundation.
A couple e-mails and a phone call later I'm sitting in my office terrified out of my freaking mind. Again, figurative choking.
This group is like a God-send. Seriously. I'm pretty certain that, with their help, I'm going to be able to fund raise enough money to enter late Spring/early Summer. I have soo many people who want to help out a little, but without a third party/way of enabling them to help, it's kind of impossible. Seriously. I literally know of OVER a hundred people that want to help. And I think that there's a lot more that will help if asked in this way. And if Mr. President will let me send to Board of Trustee members...
What I mean to say is that this program is exactly suited to my needs and situation.
So much so, to be honest, it kind of scares the living daylights out of me.
It's funny how the fear about vocation kind of disappears when you know there's a very real obstacle to it. So you can just think about the romantic fluffy stuff. Yet all of the sudden when it becomes real again, it's like, whoa!!
Actually, I'm rather amused about it all. Just a few days ago I wrote a post on phatmass (boy do I feel nerdy right now) about the desire for religious life and how, in almost all cases, it is from God. That there's no real need to question whether it's our own desires leading us toward religious life or if it's God's desire.
And what happened today?
I went into freak-out mode. God, you're not really calling me to religious life? How could you? Is this just my desire or is it really Your will?
And of course pride keeps me from actually asking that question. Or maybe it's pride. I don't know. But I don't want to ask God for some sort of "confirming" sign because... well... I've discerned it. I have moral certitude about my vocation. I will never know anymore surely than I do now. I may have a moment or two of consolation from God-- fleeting but real consolation. But a week later I will be exactly in the position I'm in now. Any thought to the contrary is really just stemming from fear. Fear of putting out into the deep.
So. I call Mother tomorrow. I'll ask her to send in a letter of collaboration that I've been accepted (is it weird that I still kind of question this a little because it was such a strange process and I haven't taken any psychological exams?). And I suppose I have to ask her about the whole founder issue. Still haven't decided how to do that either. And be super awkward because I'm just a super awkward phone person as it is. Actually, sometimes I think I'm just a super awkward person in general. Ah. If only life were lived via written word. I might finally escape the awkwardness. Oh well. I dive into awkward for the sake of Jesus. That is my job, after all.
Then I will, God-willing, have spiritual direction sometime next week (been avoiding this since I haven't asked Mother about the whole Founder thing and I've been told to on obedience... gah... haha). And I can ask for a corroborative statement from my spiritual director as well. Once those are received, I can start writing my vocation story in letter format and putting together a mailing list!
Which, by the way, if any of you know of anybody who might be willing to donate $20-50 toward my vocation fund, let me know... Even the small amounts are going to be worth a lot for me.
Seriously. Working with this society, while also working full time and putting 85% or more of my paycheck toward my student loans... God help me. I might actually enter.
On a very different note-- I recognize that this post has been something of a different tone than in which I normally write. I blame it on the beer I drank earlier. No, I'm serious. For the first time in my life, as I was driving home from work, I thought to myself, Man, wouldn't it be nice to just relax and drink a beer. So I did. Never before has the country song "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" been more perfect for my day today. Don't even get me started on the crazy youth group parent meeting we had tonight... Haha!
So, about a week ago, I ran into the Laboure Society somewhere on the internet and felt a swift nudge of the Holy Spirit that completely caught me by surprise. For various reasons (which I've come to find were actually misconceptions), I had brushed aside this organization as an option for my debt relief. Anyways, I was a little caught off guard by the sudden movement of the Holy Spirit, but being slow and ignorant, I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't know what He wanted me to do with it.
Then, a few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a facebook message about the Laboure Society and suggested that I check it out. Thanks Holy Spirit; I gotchya now. I figured that I had ignored obvious signs for too long.
Oh, and did I mention that a week and a half ago (so a few days before the first prompting of the Holy Spirit), I sat down and basically begged God, if it was His will, to help me find a benefactor and to enter as soon as He could possibly arrange it? Yeah.
So, of course, I stalled some more. Don't ask me why, even when knowing what God's will is in a particular moment, I manage to still dilly-daggy.
Then there was a post on phatmass from a lovely young lady who works for the Laboure Society and represents them on the phorum. I thought to myself, Okay, I guess it can't hurt to PM her and see what's what with this foundation.
A couple e-mails and a phone call later I'm sitting in my office terrified out of my freaking mind. Again, figurative choking.
This group is like a God-send. Seriously. I'm pretty certain that, with their help, I'm going to be able to fund raise enough money to enter late Spring/early Summer. I have soo many people who want to help out a little, but without a third party/way of enabling them to help, it's kind of impossible. Seriously. I literally know of OVER a hundred people that want to help. And I think that there's a lot more that will help if asked in this way. And if Mr. President will let me send to Board of Trustee members...
What I mean to say is that this program is exactly suited to my needs and situation.
So much so, to be honest, it kind of scares the living daylights out of me.
It's funny how the fear about vocation kind of disappears when you know there's a very real obstacle to it. So you can just think about the romantic fluffy stuff. Yet all of the sudden when it becomes real again, it's like, whoa!!
Actually, I'm rather amused about it all. Just a few days ago I wrote a post on phatmass (boy do I feel nerdy right now) about the desire for religious life and how, in almost all cases, it is from God. That there's no real need to question whether it's our own desires leading us toward religious life or if it's God's desire.
And what happened today?
I went into freak-out mode. God, you're not really calling me to religious life? How could you? Is this just my desire or is it really Your will?
And of course pride keeps me from actually asking that question. Or maybe it's pride. I don't know. But I don't want to ask God for some sort of "confirming" sign because... well... I've discerned it. I have moral certitude about my vocation. I will never know anymore surely than I do now. I may have a moment or two of consolation from God-- fleeting but real consolation. But a week later I will be exactly in the position I'm in now. Any thought to the contrary is really just stemming from fear. Fear of putting out into the deep.
So. I call Mother tomorrow. I'll ask her to send in a letter of collaboration that I've been accepted (is it weird that I still kind of question this a little because it was such a strange process and I haven't taken any psychological exams?). And I suppose I have to ask her about the whole founder issue. Still haven't decided how to do that either. And be super awkward because I'm just a super awkward phone person as it is. Actually, sometimes I think I'm just a super awkward person in general. Ah. If only life were lived via written word. I might finally escape the awkwardness. Oh well. I dive into awkward for the sake of Jesus. That is my job, after all.
Then I will, God-willing, have spiritual direction sometime next week (been avoiding this since I haven't asked Mother about the whole Founder thing and I've been told to on obedience... gah... haha). And I can ask for a corroborative statement from my spiritual director as well. Once those are received, I can start writing my vocation story in letter format and putting together a mailing list!
Which, by the way, if any of you know of anybody who might be willing to donate $20-50 toward my vocation fund, let me know... Even the small amounts are going to be worth a lot for me.
Seriously. Working with this society, while also working full time and putting 85% or more of my paycheck toward my student loans... God help me. I might actually enter.
On a very different note-- I recognize that this post has been something of a different tone than in which I normally write. I blame it on the beer I drank earlier. No, I'm serious. For the first time in my life, as I was driving home from work, I thought to myself, Man, wouldn't it be nice to just relax and drink a beer. So I did. Never before has the country song "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" been more perfect for my day today. Don't even get me started on the crazy youth group parent meeting we had tonight... Haha!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Here. We. Go.
Things are beginning to pick up in the parish, thanks be to God!! I don't think I could stand another month of nothing to do except for work in the office. It's so slow. Granted, a month from now I'll probably be begging for it!!
Friday night I had my first meeting with my team of catechists. My first "official" event. :-D I think it went really well. The night went very smoothly and I think the folks really liked me.
Although. *sigh* Parish drama. So, there's this lady, we'll call her "V". V has worked in my position off and on for the past... twenty years or so. She's been very invested in the program and has done a lot for it in the past. She quit just over a year ago because of some disagreements with our pastoral administrator. Well, the pastoral administrator has now retired and I am the new DRE. So she's decided to "come back" as a volunteer.
Well, part of what happened when she quit is that a few of "her" catechists also quit with her. A few stayed on. But they are very much "her" catechists. Now, I already have my team of catechists-- those who were there last year. Some of those are V's catechists (part of her loyal club), some are not.
Now, V has decided to help with some stuff (thanks be to God-- she does food, decorating, etc, basically stuff I'm not good at). So she was doing the dinner for this meeting. And she happened to invite some of "her" other catechists that ARE NOT on the team currently, to the meeting. Basically, long story short, she's been going behind my back to talk to "her" group to try and bring them "back" with her.
Okay. I hadn't expected those folks at the meeting but... You know, I'm open to having anyone who wants to be involved to be involved. But under my rules and under my conditions. And she had at least told me beforehand (two days prior) that these folks would be there. Still. I don't mean to start talking about authority... but this is my job. And I don't need an in between go-person. If these folks wanted to be involved, they should have called me to talk about it. Not V.
But the meeting went well and I think V's crew liked me (although I'm not so positive about V liking me). And I've established the beginning of a personal relationship with them, so I think that I can put a stop to V's self-established mediator role. Yet I know that there's going to be more drama on this end.
This just all frustrates me. These are all very nice and wonderful people who want to see good come from this program. But there is also a lot of pride and self-interest in their approach. I'm sooo glad that I'm not from this parish. I have no agenda, no alliances, nothing. I am to bring people to Jesus. That's my job.
But I realize that right now I have to be very careful (and prayerful) about how to deal with this delicate situation. There's a lot of healing and conversion that needs to take place within my team of catechists themselves. And in some ways, that is probably one of my most important roles right now-- to, with the help of God's grace, attempt to bring about some of that healing and conversion.
I just don't like conflict and I don't like confrontation. Sadly, I think both of these are going to be a part of my life this coming year.
On a completely different note...
I was talking with a priest friend the other day and I was given a much needed "eye-opener"/"reminder" about what my life ought to "be" right now. (This friend was just ordained this past Spring-- he has been a huge influence in my discernment during my time at the Mount. He's... amazing. Very Dominican. Very intelligent.) I was sharing with him some of the struggles that I've been encountering lately... Namely a very real loneliness, even when surrounded by my family (all of whom I love dearly and enjoy spending time with), and also missing my best friend.
He said something that really struck me.
Father ended by entreating me to live and love and pray as one destined for the religious life. Praise God for good and holy priests. They are so good to us. And I am so thankful for this reminder and really, call to higher living.
And speaking of religious life... I was so excited to have received a call from Sr. Victoire today!!! Oh man!!! And it was great because I had been thinking of her earlier in the morning, wondering when she'd be professing first vows and how in the world I was going to be able to write/call/e-mail her any time soon since I wouldn't know if she were still in the Novitiate or had gone to the Juniorate!!! But God is good!!! And I got to talk to her for about 15 minutes or so.
I wonder if it's wrong for me to pray that God send me a benefactor so that I may enter sooner rather than later. I mean, I know that it's His will for me to be here in the parish right now. And I truly want to do His will above all things. (Even though this desire to enter... that He has given me... is sooo strong!) So it makes me feel somewhat guilty praying that I may enter soon. But at the same time, I know that God gives certain graces only to those who ask (or beg!) for them. So maybe my entering sooner is a matter of begging God for the graces needed for worldly matters to be taken care of.
I guess my prayer should take the same format as Jesus in the Garden. "Father, if it is Your will... never the less, not my will, but Yours be done."
And I only want it given to me if it really is His will.
O God, grant me the graces to know Your will and to do it without hesitation on my part. Never let me act contrary to Your will but may everything I do begin always Your inspiration, be guided by Your saving help, and always find its completion in You.
Friday night I had my first meeting with my team of catechists. My first "official" event. :-D I think it went really well. The night went very smoothly and I think the folks really liked me.
Although. *sigh* Parish drama. So, there's this lady, we'll call her "V". V has worked in my position off and on for the past... twenty years or so. She's been very invested in the program and has done a lot for it in the past. She quit just over a year ago because of some disagreements with our pastoral administrator. Well, the pastoral administrator has now retired and I am the new DRE. So she's decided to "come back" as a volunteer.
Well, part of what happened when she quit is that a few of "her" catechists also quit with her. A few stayed on. But they are very much "her" catechists. Now, I already have my team of catechists-- those who were there last year. Some of those are V's catechists (part of her loyal club), some are not.
Now, V has decided to help with some stuff (thanks be to God-- she does food, decorating, etc, basically stuff I'm not good at). So she was doing the dinner for this meeting. And she happened to invite some of "her" other catechists that ARE NOT on the team currently, to the meeting. Basically, long story short, she's been going behind my back to talk to "her" group to try and bring them "back" with her.
Okay. I hadn't expected those folks at the meeting but... You know, I'm open to having anyone who wants to be involved to be involved. But under my rules and under my conditions. And she had at least told me beforehand (two days prior) that these folks would be there. Still. I don't mean to start talking about authority... but this is my job. And I don't need an in between go-person. If these folks wanted to be involved, they should have called me to talk about it. Not V.
But the meeting went well and I think V's crew liked me (although I'm not so positive about V liking me). And I've established the beginning of a personal relationship with them, so I think that I can put a stop to V's self-established mediator role. Yet I know that there's going to be more drama on this end.
This just all frustrates me. These are all very nice and wonderful people who want to see good come from this program. But there is also a lot of pride and self-interest in their approach. I'm sooo glad that I'm not from this parish. I have no agenda, no alliances, nothing. I am to bring people to Jesus. That's my job.
But I realize that right now I have to be very careful (and prayerful) about how to deal with this delicate situation. There's a lot of healing and conversion that needs to take place within my team of catechists themselves. And in some ways, that is probably one of my most important roles right now-- to, with the help of God's grace, attempt to bring about some of that healing and conversion.
I just don't like conflict and I don't like confrontation. Sadly, I think both of these are going to be a part of my life this coming year.
On a completely different note...
I was talking with a priest friend the other day and I was given a much needed "eye-opener"/"reminder" about what my life ought to "be" right now. (This friend was just ordained this past Spring-- he has been a huge influence in my discernment during my time at the Mount. He's... amazing. Very Dominican. Very intelligent.) I was sharing with him some of the struggles that I've been encountering lately... Namely a very real loneliness, even when surrounded by my family (all of whom I love dearly and enjoy spending time with), and also missing my best friend.
He said something that really struck me.
It seems that you are experiencing what most people feel when they come closer and closer to the Lord Jesus. We begn to realize that familial relationships, as important and life-giving as they are, are really not the same kinds of friendships we develop in the Lord. When grace transforms us, we really do begin to live life on a "different level" so to speak, and we find that we don't have as much in common with other friends, even relatives, who are not "on the same page". So, to make a long story short, of course you miss Tricia, but maybe you need to foster some new friendships in the Lord out your way, maybe with some sisters. With that being said, the call of the religious and the priest is to allow our craving for human relationships to be satiatied most profoundly in our relationship with the Lord Jesus. That is the heart of the celibate: room for God, no single human affection to crowd God out, living and loving for God principally and others for his sake. So your being torn apart from your closest friends is an opportunity to allow God to fill the hole in your heart!The part in bold really hit me hard. This is something that I have done a pretty terrible job of doing lately. Heck, I've done a pretty terrible of job of doing this in general. I've recognized exactly what Father has said-- I've been recognize this movement more and more in these past few months, but I've done a poor job of responding to it in a positive and generous manner. And I've never really put it into the context of living the life of a celibate.
Father ended by entreating me to live and love and pray as one destined for the religious life. Praise God for good and holy priests. They are so good to us. And I am so thankful for this reminder and really, call to higher living.
And speaking of religious life... I was so excited to have received a call from Sr. Victoire today!!! Oh man!!! And it was great because I had been thinking of her earlier in the morning, wondering when she'd be professing first vows and how in the world I was going to be able to write/call/e-mail her any time soon since I wouldn't know if she were still in the Novitiate or had gone to the Juniorate!!! But God is good!!! And I got to talk to her for about 15 minutes or so.
I wonder if it's wrong for me to pray that God send me a benefactor so that I may enter sooner rather than later. I mean, I know that it's His will for me to be here in the parish right now. And I truly want to do His will above all things. (Even though this desire to enter... that He has given me... is sooo strong!) So it makes me feel somewhat guilty praying that I may enter soon. But at the same time, I know that God gives certain graces only to those who ask (or beg!) for them. So maybe my entering sooner is a matter of begging God for the graces needed for worldly matters to be taken care of.
I guess my prayer should take the same format as Jesus in the Garden. "Father, if it is Your will... never the less, not my will, but Yours be done."
And I only want it given to me if it really is His will.
O God, grant me the graces to know Your will and to do it without hesitation on my part. Never let me act contrary to Your will but may everything I do begin always Your inspiration, be guided by Your saving help, and always find its completion in You.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Confession and Two Pictures
First, a confession. I'm terrified that I might somehow be possibly called to the contemplative life. Which makes absolutely no sense to me. And for right now I continue to ignore that fear and will deal with it more specifically should it ever come up more concretely.
Second, pictures!!!
Love my tattoo. It's a little bigger than I had originally wanted, but that's okay.
Within 24-hours of getting my tattoo I also smoked my first cigar. Hahaha. I feel like such a bad-ass.
Second, pictures!!!
 |
| My tattoo signifying my consecration to the Blessed Mother. |
Love my tattoo. It's a little bigger than I had originally wanted, but that's okay.
Within 24-hours of getting my tattoo I also smoked my first cigar. Hahaha. I feel like such a bad-ass.
 |
| Me, my sister-in-law, and my aunt. |
Monday, September 6, 2010
A few updates
A crazy weekend, to be sure. I smoked my first cigar (wine flavoured) and got a tattoo. Spent a crazy night with my uncles and other family (that side of the family doesn't get together without much drinking and craziness... it's actually rather exhausting and I don't care for it much). And lots of time with my adorable niece and nephews.
Times like these I am reminded how empty worldly things are to me. They've lost their taste for me and they leave me exhausted and yearning for something more meaningful. I wish it were easier to find time to pray, to go to daily Mass, etc when spending so much time with family. Unfortunately having a secular family does not yield well for such pursuits. Which, once again, leaves me all the more empty inside. I mean, I love spending time with my family (well, other than my uncles and that side of the family). I love, love, love my niece and nephews. And I swear they're the biggest temptation to my vocation. Lemme tell you. I took the three year-old, Konner, to Mass with me on Sunday morning. We sat in the very first row and he was mesmorized by everything going on. Of course I couldn't consecrate very well (whispering things to him to help him understand what was going on), but it was such a beautiful experience with him. And it just warmed my heart when it came to Communion and he said he "wanted one."
I don't feel like I'm growing spiritually right now. Actually, I feel like I'm moving backwards. At a very fast pace.
God only knows how painful this is for me right now. Yet, at the same time, He has given me the consolation of knowing and seeing how necessary this time is for me right now. I am learning more than I could ever imagine-- about myself, about others, about life, about God... It's really crazy, actually. But good.
Yet what I wouldn't do if I could just drop everything and just go now. Yet, as a deacon friend of mine has recently shared with me, waiting is of God. The Blessed Mother had to wait... all of her life she desired to do God's will, but it wasn't until the Annunciation that she was given any sort of clue as to what that would be. And it would be a lifetime process of understanding God's will. Yet look at how beautiful a fruit such waiting produced! God grant me the grace to wait.
Oh. A new/second blog. This focuses on my experience as a DRE. http://laudarebenedicarepraedicare.blogspot.com/
Times like these I am reminded how empty worldly things are to me. They've lost their taste for me and they leave me exhausted and yearning for something more meaningful. I wish it were easier to find time to pray, to go to daily Mass, etc when spending so much time with family. Unfortunately having a secular family does not yield well for such pursuits. Which, once again, leaves me all the more empty inside. I mean, I love spending time with my family (well, other than my uncles and that side of the family). I love, love, love my niece and nephews. And I swear they're the biggest temptation to my vocation. Lemme tell you. I took the three year-old, Konner, to Mass with me on Sunday morning. We sat in the very first row and he was mesmorized by everything going on. Of course I couldn't consecrate very well (whispering things to him to help him understand what was going on), but it was such a beautiful experience with him. And it just warmed my heart when it came to Communion and he said he "wanted one."
I don't feel like I'm growing spiritually right now. Actually, I feel like I'm moving backwards. At a very fast pace.
God only knows how painful this is for me right now. Yet, at the same time, He has given me the consolation of knowing and seeing how necessary this time is for me right now. I am learning more than I could ever imagine-- about myself, about others, about life, about God... It's really crazy, actually. But good.
Yet what I wouldn't do if I could just drop everything and just go now. Yet, as a deacon friend of mine has recently shared with me, waiting is of God. The Blessed Mother had to wait... all of her life she desired to do God's will, but it wasn't until the Annunciation that she was given any sort of clue as to what that would be. And it would be a lifetime process of understanding God's will. Yet look at how beautiful a fruit such waiting produced! God grant me the grace to wait.
Oh. A new/second blog. This focuses on my experience as a DRE. http://laudarebenedicarepraedicare.blogspot.com/
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Good Things
I know most of my post's have been a bit... down... lately. So, I thought I would take a respite from such negativity and share my awesome day today!
Snippets of the Day:
*Had an AWESOME 1hr 1/2 conversation with my best friend. Which included a mini breakdown on my behalf. And her saying (eventually), that as much as she wants to hug me right now, even more she doesn't want to because our separation is what Jesus wants for us right now... and that above all else is what we should desire.
*I went to confession!! Praise God for the amazing graces He gives us in this wonderful sacrament!! It's been about two months since I was last able to go, so this was just awesome.
*The parish I work for has a "community supper" once a month that feeds the poor and homeless of our area. It's a free home cooked dinner on real plates/silverware. Tonight was our monthly supper and it was my first time going. Admittedly, I was a little nervous going because, well, I am just not the type of person who particularly enjoys sitting with a table full of strangers and having to make conversation with them. But it turned out wonderful and I had a very enjoyable time.
*I went to a Latin Mass that had Cantores en Ecclesiae singing William Byrd's "Four Voices" Mass and it was absolutely beautiful!!! It was soooo relaxing... I just loved it. So beautiful!
*Went out to coffee and ice cream with a friend who sings in Cantores. We went to this wicked awesome place called Rimsky's. I wish I could describe it. But it's basically Portland caught up in a coffee shop that is only open at night. Weird and awesome.
*Went back to my friend's house and went through her Carmelite letters and materials and have planned a nun-run to California which will take us to *her* Carmelites AND my sisters AND the Poor Clares where a friend is... if all goes well.
*Came back home past midnight and had a wonderful e-mail from a professor from school who said something that made me very happy.
Snippets of the Day:
*Had an AWESOME 1hr 1/2 conversation with my best friend. Which included a mini breakdown on my behalf. And her saying (eventually), that as much as she wants to hug me right now, even more she doesn't want to because our separation is what Jesus wants for us right now... and that above all else is what we should desire.
*I went to confession!! Praise God for the amazing graces He gives us in this wonderful sacrament!! It's been about two months since I was last able to go, so this was just awesome.
*The parish I work for has a "community supper" once a month that feeds the poor and homeless of our area. It's a free home cooked dinner on real plates/silverware. Tonight was our monthly supper and it was my first time going. Admittedly, I was a little nervous going because, well, I am just not the type of person who particularly enjoys sitting with a table full of strangers and having to make conversation with them. But it turned out wonderful and I had a very enjoyable time.
*I went to a Latin Mass that had Cantores en Ecclesiae singing William Byrd's "Four Voices" Mass and it was absolutely beautiful!!! It was soooo relaxing... I just loved it. So beautiful!
*Went out to coffee and ice cream with a friend who sings in Cantores. We went to this wicked awesome place called Rimsky's. I wish I could describe it. But it's basically Portland caught up in a coffee shop that is only open at night. Weird and awesome.
*Went back to my friend's house and went through her Carmelite letters and materials and have planned a nun-run to California which will take us to *her* Carmelites AND my sisters AND the Poor Clares where a friend is... if all goes well.
*Came back home past midnight and had a wonderful e-mail from a professor from school who said something that made me very happy.
Friday, August 27, 2010
"I Thirst"
“I thirst.”
These are the only two words that make sense of my life right now. They come from Jesus on the Cross and they were spoken to me today at Mass. “I want you to feel how I thirst.”
Sometimes I feel awfully crazy when these types of experiences happen. Was that just my imagination? Or was that really Jesus speaking to me? Not even speaking as in vocally. But like the words just manifested themselves in my soul. I don’t know. I don’t understand.
But they make perfect sense. It’s like the moment I perceive them I understand. My suffering right now isn’t pointless. Or at least it’s not meant to be; I can make it pointless if I dwell endlessly upon it and pity myself, of course.
No, my suffering, two-fold as it is, has a purpose. Jesus is allowing me to feel his thirst for souls in my thirst for him. He is allowing to me feel his loneliness on the Cross in my own loneliness here at home.
What I must do, then, is not to dwell on these sufferings in and of themselves. But to direct that suffering at the same object Jesus directed his suffering… the salvation of souls. Since I feel his thirst for souls in my own soul, let me offer my suffering for especially the souls I serve at St. Rita’s. Let me work to quench Jesus’ thirst by bringing these souls to him.
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