Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved

God is so good to me.  Like, infinitely good.  Especially when I least expect it.

So, one of my constant worries (usually stored in the back of my mind where I try not to think about it too much), is that I really haven't been accepted.  Sounds silly, right?  Well, when you "acceptance letter" comes in the form of an e-mail that says, "All is well", that worry makes a little more sense.  And, to be honest, I worry about the smallest of wording issues as it is.

Well, when thinking about going forth with the Laboure Society, that little worry kept popping up in my mind.  Since, you know, they require a letter from the Order stating one's acceptance status.

Like I said.  God is so good.  Early this afternoon what I do receive but an e-mail from Mother that says something to the sort of "You are all ready to enter, just waiting for those loans to be taken care of!" (It was sent to three of us who are apparently all in the same situation-- more on that later.)  Yessss.  Ready to enter.  That makes things clear enough for me to throw that old worry to the streets.

Oh-- and how awesome that she e-mailed the same day I was going to call?  Actually, I had tried calling prior to receiving her e-mail, but didn't get a hold of anyone.  After receiving her e-mail, I decided to just respond via e-mail instead of calling, since she asked for updates on us anyways.  :-P  And can I just say how much more that put me at ease as well?  Since, you know, I had to ask about the whole Founder thing.  Awkward. But much less awkward when I can control exactly how to say it.  And much less awkward now that it can't really catch her off-guard in her response to me and she can think about how she wants to respond.

I'm super excited to hear that there are two other girls in my same situation!  And yes, I'm something of a creeper, and I looked them up on facebook.  I could only find one of them, though.  I'm going to wait a while before friend request/e-mailing them (mostly to see if they'll do it first).  I mean, these could my future classmates!!!  How awesome is that?!!!  I hope it's not weird that I want to talk with them.  Or that the desire to do so will eventually cause me to friend request and/or e-mail them.

My fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved.  Your gaze stops my heart, Your voice fills the dark, Your love is the spark that lights this life...


Oh man.  Like I said in my last entry, it's crazy how the moment things begin to look they might actually happen, fear takes over again!!  It's like a reality check that freezes me in place.  Am I crazy?  Can I really do this?  Is God really calling me to this life?  


I've tried going through my usual checklist of bringing back reason into the flood of fear.  Do I believe God exists?  Do I believe that I really have experienced His great love for me and do I love Him?  To whom else would I go?


Then I read one of the many passages in Scripture where Jesus talks about leaving behind father and mother and brother and sister and giving up all possessions and following him.

I feel a little bit better, but still gripped with fear.  How can I do this?  I don't have the strength...

So what do I do?

I go to Mary.  Because that's what I do when I feel afraid.  I go to my Mommy and I give everything to her.  And I was talking with her about everything, I was filled with an immediate understanding...

Here I am, focusing on my fears about all of this... which means I'm not focusing on God and I'm not abandoning myself to His will in the present moment.  How often I do this!  The minute I take my gaze off of Him and put it back on myself-- that's when the fears take hold!  But, if I keep my gaze only on Him, nothing can move me, nothing can frighten me.  Abandoning myself to Him gives me full confidence that He will give me all of the graces I need and desire.

So there we have it.  I wasn't even asking for this consolation, but being such an awesome Father, God saw fit to give it to me anyways when I went to the Blessed Mother.


God is so good.