A crazy weekend, to be sure. I smoked my first cigar (wine flavoured) and got a tattoo. Spent a crazy night with my uncles and other family (that side of the family doesn't get together without much drinking and craziness... it's actually rather exhausting and I don't care for it much). And lots of time with my adorable niece and nephews.
Times like these I am reminded how empty worldly things are to me. They've lost their taste for me and they leave me exhausted and yearning for something more meaningful. I wish it were easier to find time to pray, to go to daily Mass, etc when spending so much time with family. Unfortunately having a secular family does not yield well for such pursuits. Which, once again, leaves me all the more empty inside. I mean, I love spending time with my family (well, other than my uncles and that side of the family). I love, love, love my niece and nephews. And I swear they're the biggest temptation to my vocation. Lemme tell you. I took the three year-old, Konner, to Mass with me on Sunday morning. We sat in the very first row and he was mesmorized by everything going on. Of course I couldn't consecrate very well (whispering things to him to help him understand what was going on), but it was such a beautiful experience with him. And it just warmed my heart when it came to Communion and he said he "wanted one."
I don't feel like I'm growing spiritually right now. Actually, I feel like I'm moving backwards. At a very fast pace.
God only knows how painful this is for me right now. Yet, at the same time, He has given me the consolation of knowing and seeing how necessary this time is for me right now. I am learning more than I could ever imagine-- about myself, about others, about life, about God... It's really crazy, actually. But good.
Yet what I wouldn't do if I could just drop everything and just go now. Yet, as a deacon friend of mine has recently shared with me, waiting is of God. The Blessed Mother had to wait... all of her life she desired to do God's will, but it wasn't until the Annunciation that she was given any sort of clue as to what that would be. And it would be a lifetime process of understanding God's will. Yet look at how beautiful a fruit such waiting produced! God grant me the grace to wait.
Oh. A new/second blog. This focuses on my experience as a DRE. http://laudarebenedicarepraedicare.blogspot.com/
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Your current experiences with the whole world/family and that feeling of emptiness and exhaustion... man, it's like you've read my mind and heart this past weekend. I really enjoy when my family comes to visit, simply because they're my family; however, like yours, they're very secular and don't quite "get" the whole "religion thing". (Sigh.)
ReplyDeletePerhaps because we're introverts AND melancholics... well, I think it makes sense that we're rather exhausted by it all. ;-)
Your nephew Konner already melts my heart! Who knows, perhaps you're planting little seeds of a future priestly vocation? <3
I am continuing to pray for you, my dear friend!