I know most of my post's have been a bit... down... lately. So, I thought I would take a respite from such negativity and share my awesome day today!
Snippets of the Day:
*Had an AWESOME 1hr 1/2 conversation with my best friend. Which included a mini breakdown on my behalf. And her saying (eventually), that as much as she wants to hug me right now, even more she doesn't want to because our separation is what Jesus wants for us right now... and that above all else is what we should desire.
*I went to confession!! Praise God for the amazing graces He gives us in this wonderful sacrament!! It's been about two months since I was last able to go, so this was just awesome.
*The parish I work for has a "community supper" once a month that feeds the poor and homeless of our area. It's a free home cooked dinner on real plates/silverware. Tonight was our monthly supper and it was my first time going. Admittedly, I was a little nervous going because, well, I am just not the type of person who particularly enjoys sitting with a table full of strangers and having to make conversation with them. But it turned out wonderful and I had a very enjoyable time.
*I went to a Latin Mass that had Cantores en Ecclesiae singing William Byrd's "Four Voices" Mass and it was absolutely beautiful!!! It was soooo relaxing... I just loved it. So beautiful!
*Went out to coffee and ice cream with a friend who sings in Cantores. We went to this wicked awesome place called Rimsky's. I wish I could describe it. But it's basically Portland caught up in a coffee shop that is only open at night. Weird and awesome.
*Went back to my friend's house and went through her Carmelite letters and materials and have planned a nun-run to California which will take us to *her* Carmelites AND my sisters AND the Poor Clares where a friend is... if all goes well.
*Came back home past midnight and had a wonderful e-mail from a professor from school who said something that made me very happy.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
"I Thirst"
“I thirst.”
These are the only two words that make sense of my life right now. They come from Jesus on the Cross and they were spoken to me today at Mass. “I want you to feel how I thirst.”
Sometimes I feel awfully crazy when these types of experiences happen. Was that just my imagination? Or was that really Jesus speaking to me? Not even speaking as in vocally. But like the words just manifested themselves in my soul. I don’t know. I don’t understand.
But they make perfect sense. It’s like the moment I perceive them I understand. My suffering right now isn’t pointless. Or at least it’s not meant to be; I can make it pointless if I dwell endlessly upon it and pity myself, of course.
No, my suffering, two-fold as it is, has a purpose. Jesus is allowing me to feel his thirst for souls in my thirst for him. He is allowing to me feel his loneliness on the Cross in my own loneliness here at home.
What I must do, then, is not to dwell on these sufferings in and of themselves. But to direct that suffering at the same object Jesus directed his suffering… the salvation of souls. Since I feel his thirst for souls in my own soul, let me offer my suffering for especially the souls I serve at St. Rita’s. Let me work to quench Jesus’ thirst by bringing these souls to him.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A series of updates
Wow. Life has certainly gotten rather busy now that I'm working full time. Where to start with updates?
Life at the parish. I guess this is as good a place to start as anywhere. Each day I am filled with such an amazing peace about where I am with life right now. Often I think to myself, "Is this seriously my job? Like, I get to bring people to Jesus and get paid for it?!" And I'm learning [i]so[/i] much. About people, about myself, about what it means to be in a position of ministry. I'm thinking about starting a blog that focuses more singularly on my experience as a faith formation director.
Of course, there are some frustrating aspects as well. A lot of my work is more of an overseeing nature. I don't really get to actually teach. In fact, it leaves me a little clueless as to what I'll actually be doing. Obviously I do the calendaring for all the different off-shoots of Faith Formation-- I recruit and train volunteers, keep track of the background checks, etc. I decorate the Religious Ed building. I order supplies. I don't know-- just doesn't seem like a whole lot to do, you know?
And I really want to teach. I want to do something for adult ed especially, because there is nothing for adult catechesis. I have plenty of ideas for it, but have been asked to wait until next semester to begin anything.
Then there's the youth group. There's nothing for the high schoolers. And those who want to help with it are two mothers of high school students. My boss doesn't want me to be a "youth minister" because she's afraid it will take too much of my time and focus. Which, I can understand-- I need to be available for the rest of Faith Formation as well. But, to be frank, I don't think any sort of youth group is going to fly with moms being in charge. There's just no way. Kids don't want their parents involved with that, not in that way. And I don't blame them. So I think this is something that I'm going to put down my foot. The kids need something and it's not going to be from the parents. They need someone "neutral". Unless we want to hire a youth minister, then I'm going to do.
As it is, I'm going this week to Mt. Angel (archdiocesan seminary) for an archdiocesan youth minister gathering. It's a two day conference and I'm looking forward to a little bit of networking.
The other frustrating thing about parish work is, of course, the drama that comes with. Praise God that I'm from the outside coming in and that I don't have any sort of "agenda" other than bring people to Jesus. And believe you me, there is [i]a ton[/i] of drama involving my position. My current boss has been in my position twice, having left in between those two time spans because of disagreements with the pastor. Then there's been two other folks from the parish that have been in and out a few times. And each person has their own clique of catechists and supporters from the parish.
I met with one of these former ladies and... I didn't particularly care for how the meeting went. The feeling I got from our meeting (and I hope I'm wrong) is that she dismissed me immediately. I think she'd have done it no matter who came in. And all of my current catechists are "hers". And they've all already been talking about me. So, we'll see. I'd met with a few of the catechists before meeting with this lady, and I think they liked me quite a bit. Hopefully she won't influence them in the other direction.
But, to be frank, I'm not going to deal with this sort of drama. I'm here to bring Jesus to the people of this parish and I'm not going to play the politics game. I think it helps a lot that I'm not connected previously to the parish. It's just that I'm going to have to deal with the people involved and somehow try to put love into a situation that has very little.
Long-distance spiritual direction. I had a phone meeting with my spiritual director on Friday. It was a very fruitful meeting, albeit one of those difficult ones. It was rather exhausting, all said and done. But I think right now I'm particularly grateful for having a spiritual director. There's a part of me that wants to scoff at his advice (my pride, of course) and do what I think. Praise God for the virtue of humility and of obedience.
Also something of a positive fruit-- I won't be switching to a new director anytime in the very near future. I asked him about it and he said that he thinks trying to transition into a new director right now would be detrimental, especially considering the many transitions I'm already undergoing in my life right now.
This really puts me a lot at peace. I've been very anxious about finding a new director and the process of switching. He said this is obviously not the best situation for us to be in, but that we'll limp along.
An interesting baby shower. I went to a baby shower of my mom's best friend's daughter. My mom's best friend is something like an aunt to me. We used to go camping together all the time. Her daughter about 12 or so years older than me.
Anyways, I wasn't looking forward to going, but my mom wanted me to go with her... so I did. And man. What an interesting conversation that took place. Since my mom told basically everyone that I'm going to be a nun, there was little doubt that it would be brought up in conversation. (Part of the reason I didn't want to go.) And it did. Except there was this guy (not even sure who he was) sitting at the table when Aunt Sherri brought it up. And we got into a very interesting conversation. He's an atheist and the first thing he said was, "Oh hunny, we have to talk." But it gave me the opportunity to talk about my conversion and God's love... I don't know if I got anywhere with him, but hopefully a few seeds were planted. And most positively, my Aunt Sherri was very interested in what I was saying about the Church. She said she might come to Mass with me at my new parish one of these Sundays!!!!!!
What was particularly nice about the whole thing was how I was able to keep my cool. Normally I get very nervous and anxious when having to talk about religion with those whom I've known for a long time (my Aunt Sherri and, obviously my mom). I definitely got all shaky inside when talking today, but I kept my cool outwardly. And most importantly, I engaged in the conversation. Even just a few months ago I probably would've shied away from it and done my best not to engage. But it was good. And it never got heated.
Missing my best friend. I've really been missing her something terrible these past few days. And last night it came to a sort of climax (if that's even possible). And I was walking my dog outside on the trail and it was sooo beautiful outside. And I was thinking about how much I love her and miss her and wished we were seeing each other soon... And I prayed, asking Jesus to send her my love. To love her for me. To give her all good things. To shower her with His love. To give my love by giving His love. Because it is His love that draws our souls close to one another and it is with His love that we love one another. To keep us close to one another, right next to His Sacred Heart. And... it was like right then, I was caught up in His love and in love for her and I was given such a wonderful consolation that Jesus listened to my prayer. We are kept one with another in Him!!
It was such a beautiful consolation. I miss her so much, I can't even say. My s/d says that this distance might be a blessing in disguise, a sort of 'preparation' for when I enter and our contact with another is cut off even more than it is now. I think he's probably right. But it's difficult. It hurts... a lot. Yet, at the same time, I think we've grown closer. Our friendship really is grounded in Jesus. We consecrated it to the Blessed Mother. In fact, we're going to do a novena of re-consecration to the Blessed Mother here soon.
Haha, I remember this one night... we were chatting under the Mary statue in the big chapel, before praying the rosary together. And Father Brian, our chaplain, came into the chapel and walked past. He stopped, laughing at us and said, "You two would be together with Mary!" We loved it.
God I miss her. So, so, so much.
Well, I think that's about it with updates. TTFN.
Life at the parish. I guess this is as good a place to start as anywhere. Each day I am filled with such an amazing peace about where I am with life right now. Often I think to myself, "Is this seriously my job? Like, I get to bring people to Jesus and get paid for it?!" And I'm learning [i]so[/i] much. About people, about myself, about what it means to be in a position of ministry. I'm thinking about starting a blog that focuses more singularly on my experience as a faith formation director.
Of course, there are some frustrating aspects as well. A lot of my work is more of an overseeing nature. I don't really get to actually teach. In fact, it leaves me a little clueless as to what I'll actually be doing. Obviously I do the calendaring for all the different off-shoots of Faith Formation-- I recruit and train volunteers, keep track of the background checks, etc. I decorate the Religious Ed building. I order supplies. I don't know-- just doesn't seem like a whole lot to do, you know?
And I really want to teach. I want to do something for adult ed especially, because there is nothing for adult catechesis. I have plenty of ideas for it, but have been asked to wait until next semester to begin anything.
Then there's the youth group. There's nothing for the high schoolers. And those who want to help with it are two mothers of high school students. My boss doesn't want me to be a "youth minister" because she's afraid it will take too much of my time and focus. Which, I can understand-- I need to be available for the rest of Faith Formation as well. But, to be frank, I don't think any sort of youth group is going to fly with moms being in charge. There's just no way. Kids don't want their parents involved with that, not in that way. And I don't blame them. So I think this is something that I'm going to put down my foot. The kids need something and it's not going to be from the parents. They need someone "neutral". Unless we want to hire a youth minister, then I'm going to do.
As it is, I'm going this week to Mt. Angel (archdiocesan seminary) for an archdiocesan youth minister gathering. It's a two day conference and I'm looking forward to a little bit of networking.
The other frustrating thing about parish work is, of course, the drama that comes with. Praise God that I'm from the outside coming in and that I don't have any sort of "agenda" other than bring people to Jesus. And believe you me, there is [i]a ton[/i] of drama involving my position. My current boss has been in my position twice, having left in between those two time spans because of disagreements with the pastor. Then there's been two other folks from the parish that have been in and out a few times. And each person has their own clique of catechists and supporters from the parish.
I met with one of these former ladies and... I didn't particularly care for how the meeting went. The feeling I got from our meeting (and I hope I'm wrong) is that she dismissed me immediately. I think she'd have done it no matter who came in. And all of my current catechists are "hers". And they've all already been talking about me. So, we'll see. I'd met with a few of the catechists before meeting with this lady, and I think they liked me quite a bit. Hopefully she won't influence them in the other direction.
But, to be frank, I'm not going to deal with this sort of drama. I'm here to bring Jesus to the people of this parish and I'm not going to play the politics game. I think it helps a lot that I'm not connected previously to the parish. It's just that I'm going to have to deal with the people involved and somehow try to put love into a situation that has very little.
Long-distance spiritual direction. I had a phone meeting with my spiritual director on Friday. It was a very fruitful meeting, albeit one of those difficult ones. It was rather exhausting, all said and done. But I think right now I'm particularly grateful for having a spiritual director. There's a part of me that wants to scoff at his advice (my pride, of course) and do what I think. Praise God for the virtue of humility and of obedience.
Also something of a positive fruit-- I won't be switching to a new director anytime in the very near future. I asked him about it and he said that he thinks trying to transition into a new director right now would be detrimental, especially considering the many transitions I'm already undergoing in my life right now.
This really puts me a lot at peace. I've been very anxious about finding a new director and the process of switching. He said this is obviously not the best situation for us to be in, but that we'll limp along.
An interesting baby shower. I went to a baby shower of my mom's best friend's daughter. My mom's best friend is something like an aunt to me. We used to go camping together all the time. Her daughter about 12 or so years older than me.
Anyways, I wasn't looking forward to going, but my mom wanted me to go with her... so I did. And man. What an interesting conversation that took place. Since my mom told basically everyone that I'm going to be a nun, there was little doubt that it would be brought up in conversation. (Part of the reason I didn't want to go.) And it did. Except there was this guy (not even sure who he was) sitting at the table when Aunt Sherri brought it up. And we got into a very interesting conversation. He's an atheist and the first thing he said was, "Oh hunny, we have to talk." But it gave me the opportunity to talk about my conversion and God's love... I don't know if I got anywhere with him, but hopefully a few seeds were planted. And most positively, my Aunt Sherri was very interested in what I was saying about the Church. She said she might come to Mass with me at my new parish one of these Sundays!!!!!!
What was particularly nice about the whole thing was how I was able to keep my cool. Normally I get very nervous and anxious when having to talk about religion with those whom I've known for a long time (my Aunt Sherri and, obviously my mom). I definitely got all shaky inside when talking today, but I kept my cool outwardly. And most importantly, I engaged in the conversation. Even just a few months ago I probably would've shied away from it and done my best not to engage. But it was good. And it never got heated.
Missing my best friend. I've really been missing her something terrible these past few days. And last night it came to a sort of climax (if that's even possible). And I was walking my dog outside on the trail and it was sooo beautiful outside. And I was thinking about how much I love her and miss her and wished we were seeing each other soon... And I prayed, asking Jesus to send her my love. To love her for me. To give her all good things. To shower her with His love. To give my love by giving His love. Because it is His love that draws our souls close to one another and it is with His love that we love one another. To keep us close to one another, right next to His Sacred Heart. And... it was like right then, I was caught up in His love and in love for her and I was given such a wonderful consolation that Jesus listened to my prayer. We are kept one with another in Him!!
It was such a beautiful consolation. I miss her so much, I can't even say. My s/d says that this distance might be a blessing in disguise, a sort of 'preparation' for when I enter and our contact with another is cut off even more than it is now. I think he's probably right. But it's difficult. It hurts... a lot. Yet, at the same time, I think we've grown closer. Our friendship really is grounded in Jesus. We consecrated it to the Blessed Mother. In fact, we're going to do a novena of re-consecration to the Blessed Mother here soon.
Haha, I remember this one night... we were chatting under the Mary statue in the big chapel, before praying the rosary together. And Father Brian, our chaplain, came into the chapel and walked past. He stopped, laughing at us and said, "You two would be together with Mary!" We loved it.
God I miss her. So, so, so much.
Well, I think that's about it with updates. TTFN.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
As it is..
Still trying to get used to this new state of life. It still feels some what strange and out of place, but not in a bad way. Just that I'm not used to being an adult. Part of me wants to go back to being a kid. But, alas. Gotta grow up at some point, I guess.
Today I went to an all-day workshop at my new parish. It was based off of two books- "Living Your Strengths" (a sort of personality/strengths assessment thing) and "Growing an Engaged Church". The Archdiocese of Seattle has been into this program and now it's seeping into the Archdiocese of Portland as well. I'm somewhat indifferent to the whole thing- the strengths are interesting (I'll post mine and describe them in a bit), but they're making such a big deal out of it. I only worry that it focuses too much on the individual person to the point that they forget that they're [i]gifts[/i] from God. But the parish did a pretty good job keeping a balanced focus.
That's something that I'm really impressed with in this parish. They're very [i]balanced[/i]. Very healthy. It's a rather poor neighborhood and the parish emphasizes social ministry... but in a good way. One that really keeps a focus on Christ. I've never really seen social ministry done correctly. I generally scoff at it because it's always done so poorly and, frankly, without regard to true Church teachings.
God, it feels so strange to [i]know[/i] that I'm doing God's will right now. Is that bad? Haha. I feel like I've spent so much time worrying about doing God's will that I've never known what it's been like to actually be doing it. Reminds me of a Nickleback song, "Something's gotta go wrong 'cause I'm feeling so damn good."
Feelings. Seems like being human is nothing but a mixture of seemingly contradictory feelings. One thing I have a difficulty understanding is how I can be at peace, knowing that I'm doing God's will, yet still be experiencing various contradictory feelings.
Right now I'm experiencing a great loneliness. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel very alone. All of my friends are out East. In particular I'm feeling the separation from my best friend. She's truly a beautiful person-- someone I consider something of a "soul-mate", a real spiritual friendship. But we've grown even closer, I've found, through the separation. Our prayer unites us, despite the distance.
Still, it's hard. But it's good, I suppose, in a way... because it means that I lean all the more on Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way... Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way.
I tried to go to confession today, but couldn't end up going. :-/ I really would like to go. It's been over a month now. I just don't know when I'll be able to go... Ugh, I hate confession times. Or lack thereof, I should say.
Oh! I said I'd post my strengths and their descriptions. I think these were pretty spot on. Note that I don't have any "relational" skills. Haha. It's funny because my job so far has really stretched me in having to be outgoing and introducing myself to people and what have you. And far from energizing me, I'm exhausted from it!
Well, here are my "strengths":
Today I went to an all-day workshop at my new parish. It was based off of two books- "Living Your Strengths" (a sort of personality/strengths assessment thing) and "Growing an Engaged Church". The Archdiocese of Seattle has been into this program and now it's seeping into the Archdiocese of Portland as well. I'm somewhat indifferent to the whole thing- the strengths are interesting (I'll post mine and describe them in a bit), but they're making such a big deal out of it. I only worry that it focuses too much on the individual person to the point that they forget that they're [i]gifts[/i] from God. But the parish did a pretty good job keeping a balanced focus.
That's something that I'm really impressed with in this parish. They're very [i]balanced[/i]. Very healthy. It's a rather poor neighborhood and the parish emphasizes social ministry... but in a good way. One that really keeps a focus on Christ. I've never really seen social ministry done correctly. I generally scoff at it because it's always done so poorly and, frankly, without regard to true Church teachings.
God, it feels so strange to [i]know[/i] that I'm doing God's will right now. Is that bad? Haha. I feel like I've spent so much time worrying about doing God's will that I've never known what it's been like to actually be doing it. Reminds me of a Nickleback song, "Something's gotta go wrong 'cause I'm feeling so damn good."
Feelings. Seems like being human is nothing but a mixture of seemingly contradictory feelings. One thing I have a difficulty understanding is how I can be at peace, knowing that I'm doing God's will, yet still be experiencing various contradictory feelings.
Right now I'm experiencing a great loneliness. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel very alone. All of my friends are out East. In particular I'm feeling the separation from my best friend. She's truly a beautiful person-- someone I consider something of a "soul-mate", a real spiritual friendship. But we've grown even closer, I've found, through the separation. Our prayer unites us, despite the distance.
Still, it's hard. But it's good, I suppose, in a way... because it means that I lean all the more on Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way... Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way.
I tried to go to confession today, but couldn't end up going. :-/ I really would like to go. It's been over a month now. I just don't know when I'll be able to go... Ugh, I hate confession times. Or lack thereof, I should say.
Oh! I said I'd post my strengths and their descriptions. I think these were pretty spot on. Note that I don't have any "relational" skills. Haha. It's funny because my job so far has really stretched me in having to be outgoing and introducing myself to people and what have you. And far from energizing me, I'm exhausted from it!
Well, here are my "strengths":
Intellection
You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.
Input
You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.
Learner
You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”
Achiever
Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by “every day” you mean every single day—workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.
Belief
If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. “I know where you stand,” they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New beginnings
So much to write about... so much going on...
I've completed two full days of work now and I'm beginning to get into the swing of things at the parish. I've still got a lot I need to figure out (what is the current program for Confirmation? RCIA for children?), but I'm making progress in other areas (called all of the former catechists to see if they're interested in teaching again, scheduled a Catechist's Retreat, Parent Open House, and set out the calendar for Faith Formation classes). In some ways there's a lot going on... in others, there's not. There's a lot to do and lot that falls under me... but 8 hour days seem so long and it's not always easy to fill them. But, I'm sure that'll change once events start.
I'm also getting a better feel for the parish. It's a cute one. Mostly older folk, but they're wonderful and very welcoming. The parish motto is "All Are Welcome," which, I admit, made me scoff a bit when I read it. But. I think they do it right. Or at least, it was sure nice to feel the fruits of their desire to be welcoming to all. Everyone I'd met was extremely welcoming and genuinely happy to meet me and offer assistance. I was welcomed a few times in the parish bulletin. Given an orchid for my office (God help me... I have no idea how to take care of plants...). It's nice.
The parish isn't liberal or conservative. Very neutral. There are some practices that make my conservative-leaning preferences go a little hay-wire... the whole group holds hands during the Our Father (which I join in with so as to not cause scandal, even though I'm not a huge fan of the practice) and there's no kneeling after the Agnus Dei (this is by decree of our bishop... and while I have before ignored it when visiting the Archdiocese of Portland, now that I am technically employed by His Excellency and am therefore under obedience to him, I also follow this practice). And every one receives on the hand. I've opted to continue receiving on the tongue; I don't think this is really cause for scandal, not like the other two issues might.
Then there's the emphasis point... Very social justice oriented. But, I want to say, I think it's in a good way. I think it's done well. For example, every month the parish hosts a Community Supper that involves both parishioners AND the homeless/outside community. It is very well attended. There are a lot of food drives and other sorts of fundraisers to help the poor. It's good emphasis, as far as I can tell.
We have a wonderful and very kind old lady who works part-time as our book-keeper. I didn't know at first (considering we called her by her first name and she didn't wear a habit), but she's a "retired" nun. By retired, I mean, she's past retirement age but her community can't afford/doesn't have a place for retired nuns (so does that mean their pretty much dead as a community... I can't imagine they have many younger vocations), so she has to work part-time and lives by herself. She's a sweetie though.
There's a lot of... what I would probably call "fluff" spirituality in the parish. You know, the "feel good" kind of prayers and what have you. I personally don't see how folks get anything out of it, but I'm trying to understand it.
It's a very community-oriented parish and they do that very well. There's always drama, of course, and this parish has its share as well. But it's not the kind of community that ignores Jesus and focuses on themselves. No, it's definitely not that. There's always room for more emphasis on Jesus, of course. But I think they're in a good spot, because I don't think they'd feel threatened by that sort of shift. The soil seems tilled and ready for the seeds of deeper conversion.
All in all... it's beautiful. Not what I expected. Probably not what I would necessarily envision a parish to be like... but beautiful. And room for growth. The area of greatest need is in the faith formation and catechesis. I think I've mentioned before that there's NOTHING set up for the adults or for high school. Pre K-8 and that's it... And that's not super-well attended at that.
Apparently there's some drama regarding my position on the staff... as in, there have been 3 or so people who have been circling around the position, going in and out of it for various reason. I'm fresh blood, basically. And the 3 people who have been used to running things are still heavily involved (and their friends are the main catechists). So, I was warned that there might be some contention or drama, depending on how things go. I don't know exactly what all of that means, and explanation were fairly vague... but, I suppose it means that I need to be particularly careful as I make moves in this area...
I love my job! I really do... and I'm so at peace with it. You know, that "peace which surpasses all understanding". I mean, in any other circumstance, I would be still in freak out mode. I get so terribly nervous when starting anything new... especially a new job... even more especially a real person job!! Yet, I went in on Monday completely at ease. I slept like a baby the night before (THAT'S unheard of). And I've been at peace this whole time. Real peace. I wish I could explain it... or even understand it completely... But I just know that this is precisely where God wants me right now.
And despite this peace, and despite how awesome things are, God has given me the grace to still desire more than anything to be in the convent. I admit that I was kind of scared of the idea that I could be at peace with a new job. What if I "forgot" about my desire to enter? What if, over time, I slowly decided not to go, because... well, I was making fairly decent money and working a job I loved?
I'm still kind of afraid of that... but no, not really. I'm so at peace. I'm at peace with my job and current state in life and I'm at peace with knowing that I will enter the moment God shows the timing He has in mind. I'm so thankful that this yearning continues in me, even though it is painful, and even though I'm at such peace.
None of that probably makes much sense. So, I quote St. Paul in summary, "God works together all things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28, of course.
Prayer is... I'm not sure how to even describe exactly what's going on in prayer. I've always had difficulty describing prayer and it hasn't gotten any easier over the years. But right now... That fear I spoke about a few days ago, the fear that God is somehow displeased with my prayer or that I'm not doing what He wants from me in prayer, hasn't gone away completely... it's underlying all of my prayer right now. And on top of that, there's a different insecurity... it's like... I've finally come to the realization how "little" my prayer is and that there's no way I'm called to that unitive prayer of the saints, no matter how badly I desire that true contemplative prayer. And there's part of me that's sad about it. I used to think that one day I'd get there, by God's grace. Now I'm filled with the realization that it's not for me.
Which, it's a free gift given by God, and I'm in no way entitled to it. But I can't help feeling a little sad about it, though. And I'm trying to fight that immature and arrogant voice that tries to say that God somehow loves me less because of it. No.
But it's not discouraging to me, really. That latter half, anyway. What is discouraging is the fear that I am somehow displeasing God in my prayer. But, I am fairly confident, rationally, that I am not displeasing God in my prayer. In fact, I think God revealed that to me, in a moment of grace. Of course, that light diminished very quickly and the feelings and fears soon returned. But it is enough for me to cling to for now. What I really should like is to bring it up to my s/d and have his confirmation so that these doubts and fears can be even more properly handled.
And then, on top of all of this (which I try my best to ignore as I've found that it is merely a hindrance to one's prayer-life to obsess over such things), I am sensing an invitation from Jesus that truly scares me... an invitation to enter more deeply into His suffering... And it is an invitation, I can sense that much. I want so badly to say "Yes, Lord", but I am weak and so scared of the suffering He might give me. Yet, it is being shown to me the beauty of suffering with Christ and the promise of glory. Yes, I know there is so much good in it... but, I cower. I'm afraid of willingly accepting suffering. Of entering deeper into that mystery. It's one thing to accept the suffering that comes to you. It's another to choose suffering. (Although, for moral theologians out there... it's not choosing evil, no not at all, but it's choosing the Crucified One. Choosing to accept His invitation to participate in His saving work.) Foolishness to this world. It really is, isn't it?
Whew. I'm so tired and it's only 7:45pm. Guess that's what happens when you're up at 5am to work-out and pray. (Ugh, never been a huge morning person... but, at least for these first two days, God has given me the grace to establish a nice morning routine. Exercise at 5am for half an hour. Get ready. Adoration from 6:20-7:20am [Office of Readings]. Drive to work [rosary]. Mass. Morning prayer. Work. Evening prayer. Home. Night prayer. Bed.) I really like being able to pray the LOTH consistently... it really fits into the flow of my schedule and so I'm trying to make sure that I keep up with it. There's no good reason not to. The exercise is going to be the difficult one to keep going once the day to day stuff gets me super tired. But, I've taken the advice of a deacon friend, and have made my motivation for continuing it penance. Offering it up for the sanctification of my parish. And, I rather like the prayer routine... it just so happens to be fairly darn similar to the prayer routine of the sisters (not on purpose, either, just noticed it, actually!).
Oh. I just noticed I haven't eaten dinner tonight. Eek. Dinner then relaxing then bed time.
I've completed two full days of work now and I'm beginning to get into the swing of things at the parish. I've still got a lot I need to figure out (what is the current program for Confirmation? RCIA for children?), but I'm making progress in other areas (called all of the former catechists to see if they're interested in teaching again, scheduled a Catechist's Retreat, Parent Open House, and set out the calendar for Faith Formation classes). In some ways there's a lot going on... in others, there's not. There's a lot to do and lot that falls under me... but 8 hour days seem so long and it's not always easy to fill them. But, I'm sure that'll change once events start.
I'm also getting a better feel for the parish. It's a cute one. Mostly older folk, but they're wonderful and very welcoming. The parish motto is "All Are Welcome," which, I admit, made me scoff a bit when I read it. But. I think they do it right. Or at least, it was sure nice to feel the fruits of their desire to be welcoming to all. Everyone I'd met was extremely welcoming and genuinely happy to meet me and offer assistance. I was welcomed a few times in the parish bulletin. Given an orchid for my office (God help me... I have no idea how to take care of plants...). It's nice.
The parish isn't liberal or conservative. Very neutral. There are some practices that make my conservative-leaning preferences go a little hay-wire... the whole group holds hands during the Our Father (which I join in with so as to not cause scandal, even though I'm not a huge fan of the practice) and there's no kneeling after the Agnus Dei (this is by decree of our bishop... and while I have before ignored it when visiting the Archdiocese of Portland, now that I am technically employed by His Excellency and am therefore under obedience to him, I also follow this practice). And every one receives on the hand. I've opted to continue receiving on the tongue; I don't think this is really cause for scandal, not like the other two issues might.
Then there's the emphasis point... Very social justice oriented. But, I want to say, I think it's in a good way. I think it's done well. For example, every month the parish hosts a Community Supper that involves both parishioners AND the homeless/outside community. It is very well attended. There are a lot of food drives and other sorts of fundraisers to help the poor. It's good emphasis, as far as I can tell.
We have a wonderful and very kind old lady who works part-time as our book-keeper. I didn't know at first (considering we called her by her first name and she didn't wear a habit), but she's a "retired" nun. By retired, I mean, she's past retirement age but her community can't afford/doesn't have a place for retired nuns (so does that mean their pretty much dead as a community... I can't imagine they have many younger vocations), so she has to work part-time and lives by herself. She's a sweetie though.
There's a lot of... what I would probably call "fluff" spirituality in the parish. You know, the "feel good" kind of prayers and what have you. I personally don't see how folks get anything out of it, but I'm trying to understand it.
It's a very community-oriented parish and they do that very well. There's always drama, of course, and this parish has its share as well. But it's not the kind of community that ignores Jesus and focuses on themselves. No, it's definitely not that. There's always room for more emphasis on Jesus, of course. But I think they're in a good spot, because I don't think they'd feel threatened by that sort of shift. The soil seems tilled and ready for the seeds of deeper conversion.
All in all... it's beautiful. Not what I expected. Probably not what I would necessarily envision a parish to be like... but beautiful. And room for growth. The area of greatest need is in the faith formation and catechesis. I think I've mentioned before that there's NOTHING set up for the adults or for high school. Pre K-8 and that's it... And that's not super-well attended at that.
Apparently there's some drama regarding my position on the staff... as in, there have been 3 or so people who have been circling around the position, going in and out of it for various reason. I'm fresh blood, basically. And the 3 people who have been used to running things are still heavily involved (and their friends are the main catechists). So, I was warned that there might be some contention or drama, depending on how things go. I don't know exactly what all of that means, and explanation were fairly vague... but, I suppose it means that I need to be particularly careful as I make moves in this area...
I love my job! I really do... and I'm so at peace with it. You know, that "peace which surpasses all understanding". I mean, in any other circumstance, I would be still in freak out mode. I get so terribly nervous when starting anything new... especially a new job... even more especially a real person job!! Yet, I went in on Monday completely at ease. I slept like a baby the night before (THAT'S unheard of). And I've been at peace this whole time. Real peace. I wish I could explain it... or even understand it completely... But I just know that this is precisely where God wants me right now.
And despite this peace, and despite how awesome things are, God has given me the grace to still desire more than anything to be in the convent. I admit that I was kind of scared of the idea that I could be at peace with a new job. What if I "forgot" about my desire to enter? What if, over time, I slowly decided not to go, because... well, I was making fairly decent money and working a job I loved?
I'm still kind of afraid of that... but no, not really. I'm so at peace. I'm at peace with my job and current state in life and I'm at peace with knowing that I will enter the moment God shows the timing He has in mind. I'm so thankful that this yearning continues in me, even though it is painful, and even though I'm at such peace.
None of that probably makes much sense. So, I quote St. Paul in summary, "God works together all things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28, of course.
Prayer is... I'm not sure how to even describe exactly what's going on in prayer. I've always had difficulty describing prayer and it hasn't gotten any easier over the years. But right now... That fear I spoke about a few days ago, the fear that God is somehow displeased with my prayer or that I'm not doing what He wants from me in prayer, hasn't gone away completely... it's underlying all of my prayer right now. And on top of that, there's a different insecurity... it's like... I've finally come to the realization how "little" my prayer is and that there's no way I'm called to that unitive prayer of the saints, no matter how badly I desire that true contemplative prayer. And there's part of me that's sad about it. I used to think that one day I'd get there, by God's grace. Now I'm filled with the realization that it's not for me.
Which, it's a free gift given by God, and I'm in no way entitled to it. But I can't help feeling a little sad about it, though. And I'm trying to fight that immature and arrogant voice that tries to say that God somehow loves me less because of it. No.
But it's not discouraging to me, really. That latter half, anyway. What is discouraging is the fear that I am somehow displeasing God in my prayer. But, I am fairly confident, rationally, that I am not displeasing God in my prayer. In fact, I think God revealed that to me, in a moment of grace. Of course, that light diminished very quickly and the feelings and fears soon returned. But it is enough for me to cling to for now. What I really should like is to bring it up to my s/d and have his confirmation so that these doubts and fears can be even more properly handled.
And then, on top of all of this (which I try my best to ignore as I've found that it is merely a hindrance to one's prayer-life to obsess over such things), I am sensing an invitation from Jesus that truly scares me... an invitation to enter more deeply into His suffering... And it is an invitation, I can sense that much. I want so badly to say "Yes, Lord", but I am weak and so scared of the suffering He might give me. Yet, it is being shown to me the beauty of suffering with Christ and the promise of glory. Yes, I know there is so much good in it... but, I cower. I'm afraid of willingly accepting suffering. Of entering deeper into that mystery. It's one thing to accept the suffering that comes to you. It's another to choose suffering. (Although, for moral theologians out there... it's not choosing evil, no not at all, but it's choosing the Crucified One. Choosing to accept His invitation to participate in His saving work.) Foolishness to this world. It really is, isn't it?
Whew. I'm so tired and it's only 7:45pm. Guess that's what happens when you're up at 5am to work-out and pray. (Ugh, never been a huge morning person... but, at least for these first two days, God has given me the grace to establish a nice morning routine. Exercise at 5am for half an hour. Get ready. Adoration from 6:20-7:20am [Office of Readings]. Drive to work [rosary]. Mass. Morning prayer. Work. Evening prayer. Home. Night prayer. Bed.) I really like being able to pray the LOTH consistently... it really fits into the flow of my schedule and so I'm trying to make sure that I keep up with it. There's no good reason not to. The exercise is going to be the difficult one to keep going once the day to day stuff gets me super tired. But, I've taken the advice of a deacon friend, and have made my motivation for continuing it penance. Offering it up for the sanctification of my parish. And, I rather like the prayer routine... it just so happens to be fairly darn similar to the prayer routine of the sisters (not on purpose, either, just noticed it, actually!).
Oh. I just noticed I haven't eaten dinner tonight. Eek. Dinner then relaxing then bed time.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Freedom
Oh beloved freedom... where wilt thou go? Why dost thou leave me so soon?
Alas, my days as an adolescent are slowly coming to an end. Monday marks my official entrance to adulthood and that dreaded thing called... the real world... Ah yes. I enter the workforce.
That means that today, tomorrow, and Friday are my last days of pure laziness and lying around the house accomplishing very little. Saturday and Sunday we'll be up to celebrate my nephew's birthday (haven't seen them in over a month!). Then Monday.
So today I don't plan on getting dressed. I plan on a nice long nap in the middle of the day. Watching Sweeney Todd and eating junk food.
Virtuous? Hardly. "Lord, give me virtue, but not yet!"
Alas, my days as an adolescent are slowly coming to an end. Monday marks my official entrance to adulthood and that dreaded thing called... the real world... Ah yes. I enter the workforce.
That means that today, tomorrow, and Friday are my last days of pure laziness and lying around the house accomplishing very little. Saturday and Sunday we'll be up to celebrate my nephew's birthday (haven't seen them in over a month!). Then Monday.
So today I don't plan on getting dressed. I plan on a nice long nap in the middle of the day. Watching Sweeney Todd and eating junk food.
Virtuous? Hardly. "Lord, give me virtue, but not yet!"
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Philippians 2:6-8
This is a temptation to focus on yourself. The sinful self rebels when it is being emptied before the Lord: Do not give it any attention. Doing so only draws the focus back onto the self and not on God. Stay the course. Imitate Jesus' emptying of self; live only in him.
O my God, Trinity whom I adore, help me to forget myself entirely that I may be established in You as still and as peaceful as if my soul were already in eternity. May nothing trouble my peace or make me leave You, O my Unchanging One, but may each minute carry me further into the depths of Your Mystery. Give peace to my soul; make it Your heaven, Your beloved dwelling, and Your resting place. May I never leave You there alone but be wholly present, my faith wholly vigilant, wholly adoring, and wholly surrendered to Your creative Action.
O my Beloved Christ, crucified by love, I wish to be a bride for Your Heart; I wish to cover You with glory; I wish to love You even unto death! But I feel my weakness, and I ask You to 'clothe me with Yourself,' to identify my soul with all of the movements of Your Soul, to overwhelm me, to possess me, to substitute Yourself for me that my life may be but a radiance of Your Life. Come into me as Adorer, as Restorer, as Savior. O Eternal Word, Word of my God, I want to spend my life in listening to You, to become wholly teachable that I may learn all from You. Then, through all nights, all voids, all helplessness, I want to gaze on You always and remain in Your great light. O my beloved Star, so fascinate me that I may not withdraw from Your radiance.--From the prayer of Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity
Monday, August 2, 2010
Insecure
I don't know why, but I'm feeling awfully insecure about my relationship with God right now. I don't even know if "insecure" is quite the right term. I can't explain it. It's like... I feel like I've done something wrong and I really need to go to confession to fix things with God. Except I haven't sinned mortally, that I know of (which means I haven't, since ya know, you need to have full knowledge to commit a mortal sin).
I'm acutely aware of my sinfulness. My pride. My God-awful pride. It's as though I'm more aware of it now than ever before.
I don't think this necessarily connects to my insecurity. When I think about my sinfulness, and especially my pride, I'm convinced of God's work to burn these parts of me away, of his promise of purification if I remain faithful.
Maybe I should feel insecure about my pride. Maybe it [i]is[/i] what's wrong with stuff right now. I hadn't made that connection until now.
*sigh*
I don't know. I don't understand this.
EDIT: I feel like I'm doing something wrong in prayer. That I'm somehow displeasing God in my prayer. But at the same time, the another part of me is saying, no, no I'm not. I'm persevering. God is pleased with that. I think. Unless I should be doing something different right now. Ugh.
I'm acutely aware of my sinfulness. My pride. My God-awful pride. It's as though I'm more aware of it now than ever before.
I don't think this necessarily connects to my insecurity. When I think about my sinfulness, and especially my pride, I'm convinced of God's work to burn these parts of me away, of his promise of purification if I remain faithful.
Maybe I should feel insecure about my pride. Maybe it [i]is[/i] what's wrong with stuff right now. I hadn't made that connection until now.
*sigh*
I don't know. I don't understand this.
EDIT: I feel like I'm doing something wrong in prayer. That I'm somehow displeasing God in my prayer. But at the same time, the another part of me is saying, no, no I'm not. I'm persevering. God is pleased with that. I think. Unless I should be doing something different right now. Ugh.
Canon Beach Vacation
Just got back from a weekend trip down to the Coast with my parents. It was a lot of fun. A few highlights:
Now, crazy as this sounds, this was my first experience of an infant baptism!! It was BEAUTIFUL!! Oh man. The little boy, John David, was so adorable!!!! He watched the priest with great interest the entire rite and giggled when the priest traced the sign of the cross on his forehead. I almost died!! What really stuck out to me was the theme of being called by Christ into the family. "You have been called by Christ." Even the little ones! Especially the little ones! So beautiful.
During Holy Communion the dad had taken John David out of the church because he was getting a bit fussy. So, he came in last with the little boy for Holy Communion. And while they were walking past where I was kneeling, the little boy stared into my eyes for... what seemed like an eternity!! He wouldn't look away... and I... I was overwhelmed because all I saw was Jesus in his eyes. I can't explain it... it was such beautiful moment... and I couldn't help but weep... I will never forget those eyes. Never.
In other news... one week until I start work. Crazy. Still seems a bit surreal.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to keep a strong prayer life once work starts. I know it's going to be tough work in general-- exhausting, even-- which means all the more that I need to be fueled in Christ. How can I do his work if I'm not close to him? So, I'm thinking it's either gotta be an early morning holy hour or a late night one. Mass at my new parish is at 7:45am, office opens at 8:30am. If I can manage it, I'd like to go to adoration at my home parish from 6:15-7:10am. That leaves enough time to get to Mass at St. Rita's with time to spare for traffic. Mass at 7:45am, followed by morning prayer. Then evening prayer before I leave for home. Or, if I can't manage to get up that early (hopefully I can make the early rising a sacrifice), I'll have to do a late night holy hour. But, knowing me, it'll be more difficult to get over to the church for adoration late at night. Hm. We'll see.
- The Tillamook Cheese Factory. Haha, this was great. On our way down to Canon beach we stopped by the factory where the greatest cheese and ice cream is made in the entire Northwest. I tried some "curds". Nasty!!! But we picked up some cheddar and pepper jack. Good stuff.
- Canon beach was awesome!!! There's this huuuuuge rock that is a ways off the coast line during high tide, but during low tide you can make your way out to it. We don't there on Saturday morning during low tide and got to see all sorts of sea creatures, including MASSIVE star-fishes!!! Pictures forthcoming.
- We also went down to Seaside beach, which has your typical "promenade". Now, the West coast isn't exactly the same as... well, California or the East Coast beaches. It's just not. It's more like, "Hey, isn't nature beautiful?" than "Duuude, let's go surfing!!!" Anyway, Seaside is cool because it's the end of the Lewis and Clark trail. And there's a big statue of Lewis and Clark there. And they sell salt-water taffee. (So do most of the beach spots, but, you know, this is where we bought some.)
- I either fractured my foot or pulled a tendon. Not exactly sure how I did it. I think it was climbing (and slipping) up the sand dune. All I know is that it hurts something awful! I can barely walk. I'm going to wait a few days and see if it heals a bit on its own, otherwise I'm heading into the doctor. Something like this, though, most likely what they'd say is to ice, stay off it as much as possible. Not much else you can do for these types of injuries. My freshman year of college I had a hairline fracture on the top of my foot. I did it during karate, not softball, so I was afraid to tell my coach about the injury. Sooo I played on it anyways and offered up the pain.
- On our way home we drove over a 2.5 mile bridge that crosses the mouth of the Columbia River-- so cool!! This bridge has some memories for me, as we used to cross it once a year on our way to the Long Beach parade during high school. The bridge marked the spot where everyone on the band buses began changing into our uniforms. Oh yeah, band kids changing on a bus.
Now, crazy as this sounds, this was my first experience of an infant baptism!! It was BEAUTIFUL!! Oh man. The little boy, John David, was so adorable!!!! He watched the priest with great interest the entire rite and giggled when the priest traced the sign of the cross on his forehead. I almost died!! What really stuck out to me was the theme of being called by Christ into the family. "You have been called by Christ." Even the little ones! Especially the little ones! So beautiful.
During Holy Communion the dad had taken John David out of the church because he was getting a bit fussy. So, he came in last with the little boy for Holy Communion. And while they were walking past where I was kneeling, the little boy stared into my eyes for... what seemed like an eternity!! He wouldn't look away... and I... I was overwhelmed because all I saw was Jesus in his eyes. I can't explain it... it was such beautiful moment... and I couldn't help but weep... I will never forget those eyes. Never.
In other news... one week until I start work. Crazy. Still seems a bit surreal.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to keep a strong prayer life once work starts. I know it's going to be tough work in general-- exhausting, even-- which means all the more that I need to be fueled in Christ. How can I do his work if I'm not close to him? So, I'm thinking it's either gotta be an early morning holy hour or a late night one. Mass at my new parish is at 7:45am, office opens at 8:30am. If I can manage it, I'd like to go to adoration at my home parish from 6:15-7:10am. That leaves enough time to get to Mass at St. Rita's with time to spare for traffic. Mass at 7:45am, followed by morning prayer. Then evening prayer before I leave for home. Or, if I can't manage to get up that early (hopefully I can make the early rising a sacrifice), I'll have to do a late night holy hour. But, knowing me, it'll be more difficult to get over to the church for adoration late at night. Hm. We'll see.
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