Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved

God is so good to me.  Like, infinitely good.  Especially when I least expect it.

So, one of my constant worries (usually stored in the back of my mind where I try not to think about it too much), is that I really haven't been accepted.  Sounds silly, right?  Well, when you "acceptance letter" comes in the form of an e-mail that says, "All is well", that worry makes a little more sense.  And, to be honest, I worry about the smallest of wording issues as it is.

Well, when thinking about going forth with the Laboure Society, that little worry kept popping up in my mind.  Since, you know, they require a letter from the Order stating one's acceptance status.

Like I said.  God is so good.  Early this afternoon what I do receive but an e-mail from Mother that says something to the sort of "You are all ready to enter, just waiting for those loans to be taken care of!" (It was sent to three of us who are apparently all in the same situation-- more on that later.)  Yessss.  Ready to enter.  That makes things clear enough for me to throw that old worry to the streets.

Oh-- and how awesome that she e-mailed the same day I was going to call?  Actually, I had tried calling prior to receiving her e-mail, but didn't get a hold of anyone.  After receiving her e-mail, I decided to just respond via e-mail instead of calling, since she asked for updates on us anyways.  :-P  And can I just say how much more that put me at ease as well?  Since, you know, I had to ask about the whole Founder thing.  Awkward. But much less awkward when I can control exactly how to say it.  And much less awkward now that it can't really catch her off-guard in her response to me and she can think about how she wants to respond.

I'm super excited to hear that there are two other girls in my same situation!  And yes, I'm something of a creeper, and I looked them up on facebook.  I could only find one of them, though.  I'm going to wait a while before friend request/e-mailing them (mostly to see if they'll do it first).  I mean, these could my future classmates!!!  How awesome is that?!!!  I hope it's not weird that I want to talk with them.  Or that the desire to do so will eventually cause me to friend request and/or e-mail them.

My fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved.  Your gaze stops my heart, Your voice fills the dark, Your love is the spark that lights this life...


Oh man.  Like I said in my last entry, it's crazy how the moment things begin to look they might actually happen, fear takes over again!!  It's like a reality check that freezes me in place.  Am I crazy?  Can I really do this?  Is God really calling me to this life?  


I've tried going through my usual checklist of bringing back reason into the flood of fear.  Do I believe God exists?  Do I believe that I really have experienced His great love for me and do I love Him?  To whom else would I go?


Then I read one of the many passages in Scripture where Jesus talks about leaving behind father and mother and brother and sister and giving up all possessions and following him.

I feel a little bit better, but still gripped with fear.  How can I do this?  I don't have the strength...

So what do I do?

I go to Mary.  Because that's what I do when I feel afraid.  I go to my Mommy and I give everything to her.  And I was talking with her about everything, I was filled with an immediate understanding...

Here I am, focusing on my fears about all of this... which means I'm not focusing on God and I'm not abandoning myself to His will in the present moment.  How often I do this!  The minute I take my gaze off of Him and put it back on myself-- that's when the fears take hold!  But, if I keep my gaze only on Him, nothing can move me, nothing can frighten me.  Abandoning myself to Him gives me full confidence that He will give me all of the graces I need and desire.

So there we have it.  I wasn't even asking for this consolation, but being such an awesome Father, God saw fit to give it to me anyways when I went to the Blessed Mother.


God is so good.

As they say, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."

Oh man.  The terror has returned and gripped me so tightly that it's hard to breath (figuratively speaking, of course).

So, about a week ago, I ran into the Laboure Society somewhere on the internet and felt a swift nudge of the Holy Spirit that completely caught me by surprise.  For various reasons (which I've come to find were actually misconceptions), I had brushed aside this organization as an option for my debt relief.  Anyways, I was a little caught off guard by the sudden movement of the Holy Spirit, but being slow and ignorant, I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't know what He wanted me to do with it.

Then, a few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a facebook message about the Laboure Society and suggested that I check it out.  Thanks Holy Spirit; I gotchya now.  I figured that I had ignored obvious signs for too long.

Oh, and did I mention that a week and a half ago (so a few days before the first prompting of the Holy Spirit), I sat down and basically begged God, if it was His will, to help me find a benefactor and to enter as soon as He could possibly arrange it?  Yeah.

So, of course, I stalled some more.  Don't ask me why, even when knowing what God's will is in a particular moment, I manage to still dilly-daggy.

Then there was a post on phatmass from a lovely young lady who works for the Laboure Society and represents them on the phorum.  I thought to myself, Okay, I guess it can't hurt to PM her and see what's what with this foundation.

A couple e-mails and a phone call later I'm sitting in my office terrified out of my freaking mind.  Again, figurative choking.

This group is like a God-send.  Seriously.  I'm pretty certain that, with their help, I'm going to be able to fund raise enough money to enter late Spring/early Summer.  I have soo many people who want to help out a little, but without a third party/way of enabling them to help, it's kind of impossible.  Seriously.  I literally know of OVER a hundred people that want to help.  And I think that there's a lot more that will help if asked in this way.  And if Mr. President will let me send to Board of Trustee members...

What I mean to say is that this program is exactly suited to my needs and situation.

So much so, to be honest, it kind of scares the living daylights out of me.

It's funny how the fear about vocation kind of disappears when you know there's a very real obstacle to it.  So you can just think about the romantic fluffy stuff.  Yet all of the sudden when it becomes real again, it's like, whoa!!


Actually, I'm rather amused about it all.  Just a few days ago I wrote a post on phatmass (boy do I feel nerdy right now) about the desire for religious life and how, in almost all cases, it is from God.  That there's no real need to question whether it's our own desires leading us toward religious life or if it's God's desire.

And what happened today?

I went into freak-out mode.  God, you're not really calling me to religious life?  How could you?  Is this just my desire or is it really Your will?


And of course pride keeps me from actually asking that question.  Or maybe it's pride.  I don't know.  But I don't want to ask God for some sort of "confirming" sign because... well...  I've discerned it.  I have moral certitude about my vocation.  I will never know anymore surely than I do now.  I may have a moment or two of consolation from God-- fleeting but real consolation.  But a week later I will be exactly in the position I'm in now.  Any thought to the contrary is really just stemming from fear.  Fear of putting out into the deep.

So.  I call Mother tomorrow.  I'll ask her to send in a letter of collaboration that I've been accepted (is it weird that I still kind of question this a little because it was such a strange process and I haven't taken any psychological exams?).  And I suppose I have to ask her about the whole founder issue.  Still haven't decided how to do that either.  And be super awkward because I'm just a super awkward phone person as it is.  Actually, sometimes I think I'm just a super awkward person in general.  Ah.  If only life were lived via written  word.  I might finally escape the awkwardness.  Oh well.  I dive into awkward for the sake of Jesus.  That is my job, after all.

Then I will, God-willing, have spiritual direction sometime next week (been avoiding this since I haven't asked Mother about the whole Founder thing and I've been told to on obedience... gah... haha).  And I can ask for a corroborative statement from my spiritual director as well.  Once those are received, I can start writing my vocation story in letter format and putting together a mailing list!

Which, by the way, if any of you know of anybody who might be willing to donate $20-50 toward my vocation fund, let me know...  Even the small amounts are going to be worth a lot for me.

Seriously.  Working with this society, while also working full time and putting 85% or more of my paycheck toward my student loans...  God help me.  I might actually enter.

On a very different note-- I recognize that this post has been something of a different tone than in which I normally write.  I blame it on the beer I drank earlier.  No, I'm serious.  For the first time in my life, as I was driving home from work, I thought to myself, Man, wouldn't it be nice to just relax and drink a beer.  So I did.  Never before has the country song "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" been more perfect for my day today.  Don't even get me started on the crazy youth group parent meeting we had tonight...  Haha!

Here. We. Go.

Things are beginning to pick up in the parish, thanks be to God!!  I don't think I could stand another month of nothing to do except for work in the office.  It's so slow.  Granted, a month from now I'll probably be begging for it!!

Friday night I had my first meeting with my team of catechists.  My first "official" event.  :-D  I think it went really well.  The night went very smoothly and I think the folks really liked me.

Although.  *sigh*  Parish drama.  So, there's this lady, we'll call her "V".  V has worked in my position off and on for the past... twenty years or so.  She's been very invested in the program and has done a lot for it in the past.  She quit just over a year ago because of some disagreements with our pastoral administrator.  Well, the pastoral administrator has now retired and I am the new DRE.  So she's decided to "come back" as a volunteer.

Well, part of what happened when she quit is that a few of "her" catechists also quit with her.  A few stayed on.  But they are very much "her" catechists.  Now, I already have my team of catechists-- those who were there last year.  Some of those are V's catechists (part of her loyal club), some are not.

Now, V has decided to help with some stuff (thanks be to God-- she does food, decorating, etc, basically stuff I'm not good at).  So she was doing the dinner for this meeting.  And she happened to invite some of "her" other catechists that ARE NOT on the team currently, to the meeting.  Basically, long story short, she's been going behind my back to talk to "her" group to try and bring them "back" with her.

Okay.  I hadn't expected those folks at the meeting but... You know, I'm open to having anyone who wants to be involved to be involved.  But under my rules and under my conditions.  And she had at least told me beforehand (two days prior) that these folks would be there.  Still.  I don't mean to start talking about authority... but this is my job.  And I don't need an in between go-person.  If these folks wanted to be involved, they should have called me to talk about it.  Not V.

But the meeting went well and I think V's crew liked me (although I'm not so positive about V liking me).  And I've established the beginning of a personal relationship with them, so I think that I can put a stop to V's self-established mediator role.  Yet I know that there's going to be more drama on this end.

This just all frustrates me.  These are all very nice and wonderful people who want to see good come from this program.  But there is also a lot of pride and self-interest in their approach.  I'm sooo glad that I'm not from this parish.  I have no agenda, no alliances, nothing.  I am to bring people to Jesus.  That's my job.

But I realize that right now I have to be very careful (and prayerful) about how to deal with this delicate situation.  There's a lot of healing and conversion that needs to take place within my team of catechists themselves.  And in some ways, that is probably one of my most important roles right now-- to, with the help of God's grace, attempt to bring about some of that healing and conversion.

I just don't like conflict and I don't like confrontation.  Sadly, I think both of these are going to be a part of my life this coming year.

On a completely different note...

I was talking with a priest friend the other day and I was given a much needed "eye-opener"/"reminder" about what my life ought to "be" right now.  (This friend was just ordained this past Spring-- he has been a huge influence in my discernment during my time at the Mount.  He's... amazing.  Very Dominican.  Very intelligent.)  I was sharing with him some of the struggles that I've been encountering lately... Namely a very real loneliness, even when surrounded by my family (all of whom I love dearly and enjoy spending time with), and also missing my best friend.

He said something that really struck me.

It seems that you are experiencing what most people feel when they come closer and closer to the Lord Jesus. We begn to realize that familial relationships, as important and life-giving as they are, are really not the same kinds of friendships we develop in the Lord. When grace transforms us, we really do begin to live life on a "different level" so to speak, and we find that we don't have as much in common with other friends, even relatives, who are not "on the same page". So, to make a long story short, of course you miss Tricia, but maybe you need to foster some new friendships in the Lord out your way, maybe with some sisters. With that being said, the call of the religious and the priest is to allow our craving for human relationships to be satiatied most profoundly in our relationship with the Lord Jesus. That is the heart of the celibate: room for God, no single human affection to crowd God out, living and loving for God principally and others for his sake. So your being torn apart from your closest friends is an opportunity to allow God to fill the hole in your heart!

 The part in bold really hit me hard.  This is something that I have done a pretty terrible job of doing lately.  Heck, I've done a pretty terrible of job of doing this in general.  I've recognized exactly what Father has said-- I've been recognize this movement more and more in these past few months, but I've done a poor job of responding to it in a positive and generous manner.  And I've never really put it into the context of living the life of a celibate.

Father ended by entreating me to live and love and pray as one destined for the religious life.  Praise God for good and holy priests.  They are so good to us.  And I am so thankful for this reminder and really, call to higher living.

And speaking of religious life...  I was so excited to have received a call from Sr. Victoire today!!!  Oh man!!!  And it was great because I had been thinking of her earlier in the morning, wondering when she'd be professing first vows and how in the world I was going to be able to write/call/e-mail her any time soon since I wouldn't know if she were still in the Novitiate or had gone to the Juniorate!!!  But God is good!!!  And I got to talk to her for about 15 minutes or so.

I wonder if it's wrong for me to pray that God send me a benefactor so that I may enter sooner rather than later.  I mean, I know that it's His will for me to be here in the parish right now.  And I truly want to do His will above all things.  (Even though this desire to enter... that He has given me... is sooo strong!)  So it makes me feel somewhat guilty praying that I may enter soon.  But at the same time, I know that God gives certain graces only to those who ask (or beg!) for them.  So maybe my entering sooner is a matter of begging God for the graces needed for worldly matters to be taken care of.

I guess my prayer should take the same format as Jesus in the Garden.  "Father, if it is Your will... never the less, not my will, but Yours be done."

And I only want it given to me if it really is His will.

O God, grant me the graces to know Your will and to do it without hesitation on my part.  Never let me act contrary to Your will but may everything I do begin always Your inspiration, be guided by Your saving help, and always find its completion in You.

A Confession and Two Pictures

First, a confession.  I'm terrified that I might somehow be possibly called to the contemplative life.  Which makes absolutely no sense to me.  And for right now I continue to ignore that fear and will deal with it more specifically should it ever come up more concretely.

Second, pictures!!!

My tattoo signifying my consecration to the Blessed Mother.  

Love my tattoo.  It's a little bigger than I had originally wanted, but that's okay.

Within 24-hours of getting my tattoo I also smoked my first cigar.  Hahaha.  I feel like such a bad-ass.

Me, my sister-in-law, and my aunt.

A few updates

A crazy weekend, to be sure.  I smoked my first cigar (wine flavoured) and got a tattoo.  Spent a crazy night with my uncles and other family (that side of the family doesn't get together without much drinking and craziness... it's actually rather exhausting and I don't care for it much).  And lots of time with my adorable niece and nephews.

Times like these I am reminded how empty worldly things are to me.  They've lost their taste for me and they leave me exhausted and yearning for something more meaningful.  I wish it were easier to find time to pray, to go to daily Mass, etc when spending so much time with family.  Unfortunately having a secular family does not yield well for such pursuits.  Which, once again, leaves me all the more empty inside.  I mean, I love spending time with my family (well, other than my uncles and that side of the family).  I love, love, love my niece and nephews.  And I swear they're the biggest temptation to my vocation.  Lemme tell you.  I took the three year-old, Konner, to Mass with me on Sunday morning.  We sat in the very first row and he was mesmorized by everything going on.  Of course I couldn't consecrate very well (whispering things to him to help him understand what was going on), but it was such a beautiful experience with him.  And it just warmed my heart when it came to Communion and he said he "wanted one."

I don't feel like I'm growing spiritually right now.  Actually, I feel like I'm moving backwards.  At a very fast pace.

God only knows how painful this is for me right now.  Yet, at the same time, He has given me the consolation of knowing and seeing how necessary this time is for me right now.  I am learning more than I could ever imagine-- about myself, about others, about life, about God...  It's really crazy, actually.  But good.

Yet what I wouldn't do if I could just drop everything and just go now.  Yet, as a deacon friend of mine has recently shared with me, waiting is of God.  The Blessed Mother had to wait... all of her life she desired to do God's will, but it wasn't until the Annunciation that she was given any sort of clue as to what that would be.  And it would be a lifetime process of understanding God's will.  Yet look at how beautiful a fruit such waiting produced!  God grant me the grace to wait.

Oh.  A new/second blog.  This focuses on my experience as a DRE.  http://laudarebenedicarepraedicare.blogspot.com/

Good Things

I know most of my post's have been a bit... down... lately.  So, I thought I would take a respite from such negativity and share my awesome day today!

Snippets of the Day:

*Had an AWESOME 1hr 1/2 conversation with my best friend.  Which included a mini breakdown on my behalf.  And her saying (eventually), that as much as she wants to hug me right now, even more she doesn't want to because our separation is what Jesus wants for us right now... and that above all else is what we should desire.

*I went to confession!!  Praise God for the amazing graces He gives us in this wonderful sacrament!!  It's been about two months since I was last able to go, so this was just awesome.

*The parish I work for has a "community supper" once a month that feeds the poor and homeless of our area.  It's a free home cooked dinner on real plates/silverware.  Tonight was our monthly supper and it was my first time going.  Admittedly, I was a little nervous going because, well, I am just not the type of person who particularly enjoys sitting with a table full of strangers and having to make conversation with them.  But it turned out wonderful and I had a very enjoyable time.

*I went to a Latin Mass that had Cantores en Ecclesiae singing William Byrd's "Four Voices" Mass and it was absolutely beautiful!!!  It was soooo relaxing... I just loved it.  So beautiful!

*Went out to coffee and ice cream with a friend who sings in Cantores.  We went to this wicked awesome place called Rimsky's.  I wish I could describe it.  But it's basically Portland caught up in a coffee shop that is only open at night.  Weird and awesome.

*Went back to my friend's house and went through her Carmelite letters and materials and have planned a nun-run to California which will take us to *her* Carmelites AND my sisters AND the Poor Clares where a friend is... if all goes well.

*Came back home past midnight and had a wonderful e-mail from a professor from school who said something that made me very happy.

"I Thirst"

“I thirst.”

These are the only two words that make sense of my life right now.  They come from Jesus on the Cross and they were spoken to me today at Mass.  “I want you to feel how I thirst.”

Sometimes I feel awfully crazy when these types of experiences happen.  Was that just my imagination?  Or was that really Jesus speaking to me?  Not even speaking as in vocally.  But like the words just manifested themselves in my soul.  I don’t know.  I don’t understand.

But they make perfect sense.  It’s like the moment I perceive them I understand.  My suffering right now isn’t pointless.  Or at least it’s not meant to be; I can make it pointless if I dwell endlessly upon it and pity myself, of course.

No, my suffering, two-fold as it is, has a purpose.  Jesus is allowing me to feel his thirst for souls in my thirst for him.  He is allowing to me feel his loneliness on the Cross in my own loneliness here at home.

What I must do, then, is not to dwell on these sufferings in and of themselves.  But to direct that suffering at the same object Jesus directed his suffering… the salvation of souls.  Since I feel his thirst for souls in my own soul, let me offer my suffering for especially the souls I serve at St. Rita’s.  Let me work to quench Jesus’ thirst by bringing these souls to him.

Lately I've been feeling so lonely that it actually makes me sick to my stomach. :-(

A series of updates

Wow.  Life has certainly gotten rather busy now that I'm working full time.  Where to start with updates?

Life at the parish.  I guess this is as good a place to start as anywhere.  Each day I am filled with such an amazing peace about where I am with life right now.  Often I think to myself, "Is this seriously my job?  Like, I get to bring people to Jesus and get paid for it?!"  And I'm learning [i]so[/i] much.  About people, about myself, about what it means to be in a position of ministry.  I'm thinking about starting a blog that focuses more singularly on my experience as a faith formation director.

Of course, there are some frustrating aspects as well.  A lot of my work is more of an overseeing nature.  I don't really get to actually teach.  In fact, it leaves me a little clueless as to what I'll actually be doing.  Obviously I do the calendaring for all the different off-shoots of Faith Formation-- I recruit and train volunteers, keep track of the background checks, etc.  I decorate the Religious Ed building.  I order supplies.  I don't know-- just doesn't seem like a whole lot to do, you know?

And I really want to teach.  I want to do something for adult ed especially, because there is nothing for adult catechesis.  I have plenty of ideas for it, but have been asked to wait until next semester to begin anything.

Then there's the youth group.  There's nothing for the high schoolers.  And those who want to help with it are two mothers of high school students.  My boss doesn't want me to be a "youth minister" because she's afraid it will take too much of my time and focus.  Which, I can understand-- I need to be available for the rest of Faith Formation as well.  But, to be frank, I don't think any sort of youth group is going to fly with moms being in charge.  There's just no way.  Kids don't want their parents involved with that, not in that way.  And I don't blame them.  So I think this is something that I'm going to put down my foot.  The kids need something and it's not going to be from the parents.  They need someone "neutral".  Unless we want to hire a youth minister, then I'm going to do.

As it is, I'm going this week to Mt. Angel (archdiocesan seminary) for an archdiocesan youth minister gathering.  It's a two day conference and I'm looking forward to a little bit of networking.

The other frustrating thing about parish work is, of course, the drama that comes with.  Praise God that I'm from the outside coming in and that I don't have any sort of "agenda" other than bring people to Jesus.  And believe you me, there is [i]a ton[/i] of drama involving my position.  My current boss has been in my position twice, having left in between those two time spans because of disagreements with the pastor.  Then there's been two other folks from the parish that have been in and out a few times.  And each person has their own clique of catechists and supporters from the parish.

I met with one of these former ladies and... I didn't particularly care for how the meeting went.  The feeling I got from our meeting (and I hope I'm wrong) is that she dismissed me immediately.  I think she'd have done it no matter who came in.  And all of my current catechists are "hers".  And they've all already been talking about me.  So, we'll see.  I'd met with a few of the catechists before meeting with this lady, and I think they liked me quite a bit.  Hopefully she won't influence them in the other direction.

But, to be frank, I'm not going to deal with this sort of drama.  I'm here to bring Jesus to the people of this parish and I'm not going to play the politics game.  I think it helps a lot that I'm not connected previously to the parish.  It's just that I'm going to have to deal with the people involved and somehow try to put love into a situation that has very little.

Long-distance spiritual direction.  I had a phone meeting with my spiritual director on Friday.  It was a very fruitful meeting, albeit one of those difficult ones.  It was rather exhausting, all said and done.  But I think right now I'm particularly grateful for having a spiritual director.  There's a part of me that wants to scoff at his advice (my pride, of course) and do what I think.  Praise God for the virtue of humility and of obedience.

Also something of a positive fruit-- I won't be switching to a new director anytime in the very near future.  I asked him about it and he said that he thinks trying to transition into a new director right now would be detrimental, especially considering the many transitions I'm already undergoing in my life right now.

This really puts me a lot at peace.  I've been very anxious about finding a new director and the process of switching.  He said this is obviously not the best situation for us to be in, but that we'll limp along.

An interesting baby shower.  I went to a baby shower of my mom's best friend's daughter.  My mom's best friend is something like an aunt to me.  We used to go camping together all the time.  Her daughter about 12 or so years older than me.

Anyways, I wasn't looking forward to going, but my mom wanted me to go with her... so I did.  And man.  What an interesting conversation that took place.  Since my mom told basically everyone that I'm going to be a nun, there was little doubt that it would be brought up in conversation.  (Part of the reason I didn't want to go.)  And it did.  Except there was this guy (not even sure who he was) sitting at the table when Aunt Sherri brought it up.  And we got into a very interesting conversation.  He's an atheist and the first thing he said was, "Oh hunny, we have to talk."  But it gave me the opportunity to talk about my conversion and God's love... I don't know if I got anywhere with him, but hopefully a few seeds were planted.  And most positively, my Aunt Sherri was very interested in what I was saying about the Church.  She said she might come to Mass with me at my new parish one of these Sundays!!!!!!

What was particularly nice about the whole thing was how I was able to keep my cool.  Normally I get very nervous and anxious when having to talk about religion with those whom I've known for a long time (my Aunt Sherri and, obviously my mom).  I definitely got all shaky inside when talking today, but I kept my cool outwardly.  And most importantly, I engaged in the conversation.  Even just a few months ago I probably would've shied away from it and done my best not to engage.  But it was good.  And it never got heated.

Missing my best friend.  I've really been missing her something terrible these past few days.  And last night it came to a sort of climax (if that's even possible).  And I was walking my dog outside on the trail and it was sooo beautiful outside.  And I was thinking about how much I love her and miss her and wished we were seeing each other soon...  And I prayed, asking Jesus to send her my love.  To love her for me.  To give her all good things.  To shower her with His love.  To give my love by giving His love.  Because it is His love that draws our souls close to one another and it is with His love that we love one another.  To keep us close to one another, right next to His Sacred Heart.  And... it was like right then, I was caught up in His love and in love for her and I was given such a wonderful consolation that Jesus listened to my prayer.  We are kept one with another in Him!!


It was such a beautiful consolation.  I miss her so much, I can't even say.  My s/d says that this distance might be a blessing in disguise, a sort of 'preparation' for when I enter and our contact with another is cut off even more than it is now.  I think he's probably right.  But it's difficult.  It hurts... a lot.  Yet, at the same time, I think we've grown closer.  Our friendship really is grounded in Jesus.  We consecrated it to the Blessed Mother.  In fact, we're going to do a novena of re-consecration to the Blessed Mother here soon.  


Haha, I remember this one night... we were chatting under the Mary statue in the big chapel, before praying the rosary together.  And Father Brian, our chaplain, came into the chapel and walked past.  He stopped, laughing at us and said, "You two would be together with Mary!"  We loved it.


God I miss her.  So, so, so much.


Well, I think that's about it with updates.  TTFN.

As it is..

Still trying to get used to this new state of life.  It still feels some what strange and out of place, but not in a bad way.  Just that I'm not used to being an adult.  Part of me wants to go back to being a kid.  But, alas.  Gotta grow up at some point, I guess.

Today I went to an all-day workshop at my new parish.  It was based off of two books- "Living Your Strengths" (a sort of personality/strengths assessment thing) and "Growing an Engaged Church".  The Archdiocese of Seattle has been into this program and now it's seeping into the Archdiocese of Portland as well.  I'm somewhat indifferent to the whole thing- the strengths are interesting (I'll post mine and describe them in a bit), but they're making such a big deal out of it.  I only worry that it focuses too much on the individual person to the point that they forget that they're [i]gifts[/i] from God.  But the parish did a pretty good job keeping a balanced focus.

That's something that I'm really impressed with in this parish.  They're very [i]balanced[/i].  Very healthy.  It's a rather poor neighborhood and the parish emphasizes social ministry... but in a good way.  One that really keeps a focus on Christ.  I've never really seen social ministry done correctly.  I generally scoff at it because it's always done so poorly and, frankly, without regard to true Church teachings.

God, it feels so strange to [i]know[/i] that I'm doing God's will right now.  Is that bad?  Haha.  I feel like I've spent so much time worrying about doing God's will that I've never known what it's been like to actually be doing it.  Reminds me of a Nickleback song, "Something's gotta go wrong 'cause I'm feeling so damn good."

Feelings.  Seems like being human is nothing but a mixture of seemingly contradictory feelings.  One thing I have a difficulty understanding is how I can be at peace, knowing that I'm doing God's will, yet still be experiencing various contradictory feelings.

Right now I'm experiencing a great loneliness.  I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel very alone.  All of my friends are out East.  In particular I'm feeling the separation from my best friend.  She's truly a beautiful person-- someone I consider something of a "soul-mate", a real spiritual friendship.  But we've grown even closer, I've found, through the separation.  Our prayer unites us, despite the distance.

Still, it's hard.  But it's good, I suppose, in a way...  because it means that I lean all the more on Jesus.  Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way... Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way.

I tried to go to confession today, but couldn't end up going.  :-/  I really would like to go.  It's been over a month now.  I just don't know when I'll be able to go... Ugh, I hate confession times.  Or lack thereof, I should say.

Oh!  I said I'd post my strengths and their descriptions.  I think these were pretty spot on.  Note that I don't have any "relational" skills.  Haha.  It's funny because my job so far has really stretched me in having to be outgoing and introducing myself to people and what have you.  And far from energizing me, I'm exhausted from it!

Well, here are my "strengths":

Intellection

You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

Learner

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Achiever

Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by “every day” you mean every single day—workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.

Belief

If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. “I know where you stand,” they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.

New beginnings

So much to write about... so much going on...

I've completed two full days of work now and I'm beginning to get into the swing of things at the parish.  I've still got a lot I need to figure out (what is the current program for Confirmation?  RCIA for children?), but I'm making progress in other areas (called all of the former catechists to see if they're interested in teaching again, scheduled a Catechist's Retreat, Parent Open House, and set out the calendar for Faith Formation classes).  In some ways there's a lot going on... in others, there's not.  There's a lot to do and lot that falls under me... but 8 hour days seem so long and it's not always easy to fill them.  But, I'm sure that'll change once events start.

I'm also getting a better feel for the parish.  It's a cute one.  Mostly older folk, but they're wonderful and very welcoming.  The parish motto is "All Are Welcome," which, I admit, made me scoff a bit when I read it.  But.  I think they do it right.  Or at least, it was sure nice to feel the fruits of their desire to be welcoming to all.  Everyone I'd met was extremely welcoming and genuinely happy to meet me and offer assistance.  I was welcomed a few times in the parish bulletin.  Given an orchid for my office (God help me...  I have no idea how to take care of plants...).  It's nice.

The parish isn't liberal or conservative.  Very neutral.  There are some practices that make my conservative-leaning preferences go a little hay-wire... the whole group holds hands during the Our Father (which I join in with so as to not cause scandal, even though I'm not a huge fan of the practice) and there's no kneeling after the Agnus Dei (this is by decree of our bishop... and while I have before ignored it when visiting the Archdiocese of Portland, now that I am technically employed by His Excellency and am therefore under obedience to him, I also follow this practice).  And every one receives on the hand.  I've opted to continue receiving on the tongue; I don't think this is really cause for scandal, not like the other two issues might.

Then there's the emphasis point...  Very social justice oriented.  But, I want to say, I think it's in a good way.  I think it's done well.  For example, every month the parish hosts a Community Supper that involves both parishioners AND the homeless/outside community.  It is very well attended.  There are a lot of food drives and other sorts of fundraisers to help the poor.  It's good emphasis, as far as I can tell.

We have a wonderful and very kind old lady who works part-time as our book-keeper.  I didn't know at first (considering we called her by her first name and she didn't wear a habit), but she's a "retired" nun.  By retired, I mean, she's past retirement age but her community can't afford/doesn't have a place for retired nuns (so does that mean their pretty much dead as a community... I can't imagine they have many younger vocations), so she has to work part-time and lives by herself.  She's a sweetie though.

There's a lot of... what I would probably call "fluff" spirituality in the parish.  You know, the "feel good" kind of prayers and what have you.  I personally don't see how folks get anything out of it, but I'm trying to understand it.

It's a very community-oriented parish and they do that very well.  There's always drama, of course, and this parish has its share as well.  But it's not the kind of community that ignores Jesus and focuses on themselves.  No, it's definitely not that.  There's always room for more emphasis on Jesus, of course.  But I think they're in a good spot, because I don't think they'd feel threatened by that sort of shift.  The soil seems tilled and ready for the seeds of deeper conversion.

All in all... it's beautiful.  Not what I expected.  Probably not what I would necessarily envision a parish to be like... but beautiful.  And room for growth.  The area of greatest need is in the faith formation and catechesis.  I think I've mentioned before that there's NOTHING set up for the adults or for high school.  Pre K-8 and that's it... And that's not super-well attended at that.

Apparently there's some drama regarding my position on the staff... as in, there have been 3 or so people who have been circling around the position, going in and out of it for various reason.  I'm fresh blood, basically.  And the 3 people who have been used to running things are still heavily involved (and their friends are the main catechists).  So, I was warned that there might be some contention or drama, depending on how things go.  I don't know exactly what all of that means, and explanation were fairly vague... but, I suppose it means that I need to be particularly careful as I make moves in this area...

I love my job!  I really do... and I'm so at peace with it.  You know, that "peace which surpasses all understanding".  I mean, in any other circumstance, I would be still in freak out mode.  I get so terribly nervous when starting anything new... especially a new job... even more especially a real person job!!  Yet, I went in on Monday completely at ease.  I slept like a baby the night before (THAT'S unheard of).  And I've been at peace this whole time.  Real peace.  I wish I could explain it... or even understand it completely...  But I just know that this is precisely where God wants me right now.

And despite this peace, and despite how awesome things are, God has given me the grace to still desire more than anything to be in the convent.  I admit that I was kind of scared of the idea that I could be at peace with a new job.  What if I "forgot" about my desire to enter?  What if, over time, I slowly decided not to go, because... well, I was making fairly decent money and working a job I loved?

I'm still kind of afraid of that... but no, not really.  I'm so at peace.  I'm at peace with my job and current state in life and I'm at peace with knowing that I will enter the moment God shows the timing He has in mind.  I'm so thankful that this yearning continues in me, even though it is painful, and even though I'm at such peace.

None of that probably makes much sense.  So, I quote St. Paul in summary, "God works together all things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28, of course.

Prayer is... I'm not sure how to even describe exactly what's going on in prayer.  I've always had difficulty describing prayer and it hasn't gotten any easier over the years.  But right now...  That fear I spoke about a few days ago, the fear that God is somehow displeased with my prayer or that I'm not doing what He wants from me in prayer, hasn't gone away completely... it's underlying all of my prayer right now.  And on top of that, there's a different insecurity...  it's like... I've finally come to the realization how "little" my prayer is and that there's no way I'm called to that unitive prayer of the saints, no matter how badly I desire that true contemplative prayer.  And there's part of me that's sad about it.  I used to think that one day I'd get there, by God's grace.  Now I'm filled with the realization that it's not for me.

Which, it's a free gift given by God, and I'm in no way entitled to it.  But I can't help feeling a little sad about it, though.  And I'm trying to fight that immature and arrogant voice that tries to say that God somehow loves me less because of it.  No.

But it's not discouraging to me, really.  That latter half, anyway.  What is discouraging is the fear that I am somehow displeasing God in my prayer.  But, I am fairly confident, rationally, that I am not displeasing God in my prayer.  In fact, I think God revealed that to me, in a moment of grace.  Of course, that light diminished very quickly and the feelings and fears soon returned.  But it is enough for me to cling to for now.  What I really should like is to bring it up to my s/d and have his confirmation so that these doubts and fears can be even more properly handled.

And then, on top of all of this (which I try my best to ignore as I've found that it is merely a hindrance to one's prayer-life to obsess over such things), I am sensing an invitation from Jesus that truly scares me...  an invitation to enter more deeply into His suffering...  And it is an invitation, I can sense that much.  I want so badly to say "Yes, Lord", but I am weak and so scared of the suffering He might give me.  Yet, it is being shown to me the beauty of suffering with Christ and the promise of glory.  Yes, I know there is so much good in it... but, I cower.  I'm afraid of willingly accepting suffering.  Of entering deeper into that mystery.  It's one thing to accept the suffering that comes to you.  It's another to choose suffering.  (Although, for moral theologians out there... it's not choosing evil, no not at all, but it's choosing the Crucified One.  Choosing to accept His invitation to participate in His saving work.)  Foolishness to this world.  It really is, isn't it?

Whew.  I'm so tired and it's only 7:45pm.  Guess that's what happens when you're up at 5am to work-out and pray.  (Ugh, never been a huge morning person... but, at least for these first two days, God has given me the grace to establish a nice morning routine.  Exercise at 5am for half an hour.  Get ready.  Adoration from 6:20-7:20am [Office of Readings].  Drive to work [rosary].  Mass.  Morning prayer.  Work.  Evening prayer.  Home.  Night prayer.  Bed.)  I really like being able to pray the LOTH consistently... it really fits into the flow of my schedule and so I'm trying to make sure that I keep up with it.  There's no good reason not to.  The exercise is going to be the difficult one to keep going once the day to day stuff gets me super tired.  But, I've taken the advice of a deacon friend, and have made my motivation for continuing it penance.  Offering it up for the sanctification of my parish.  And, I rather like the prayer routine... it just so happens to be fairly darn similar to the prayer routine of the sisters (not on purpose, either, just noticed it, actually!).

Oh.  I just noticed I haven't eaten dinner tonight.  Eek.  Dinner then relaxing then bed time.

Freedom

Oh beloved freedom... where wilt thou go?  Why dost thou leave me so soon?

Alas, my days as an adolescent are slowly coming to an end.  Monday marks my official entrance to adulthood and that dreaded thing called... the real world...  Ah yes.  I enter the workforce.

That means that today, tomorrow, and Friday are my last days of pure laziness and lying around the house accomplishing very little.  Saturday and Sunday we'll be up to celebrate my nephew's  birthday (haven't seen them in over a month!).  Then Monday.

So today I don't plan on getting dressed.  I plan on a nice long nap in the middle of the day.  Watching Sweeney Todd and eating junk food.

Virtuous?  Hardly.  "Lord, give me virtue, but not yet!"

Philippians 2:6-8

This is a temptation to focus on yourself.  The sinful self rebels when it is being emptied before the Lord: Do not give it any attention.  Doing so only draws the focus back onto the self and not on God.  Stay the course.  Imitate Jesus' emptying of self; live only in him.

O my God, Trinity whom I adore, help me to forget myself entirely that I may be established in You as still and as peaceful as if my soul were already in eternity.  May nothing trouble my peace or make me leave You, O my Unchanging One, but may each minute carry me further into the depths of Your Mystery.  Give peace to my soul; make it Your heaven, Your beloved dwelling, and Your resting place.  May I never leave You there alone but be wholly present, my faith wholly vigilant, wholly adoring, and wholly surrendered to Your creative Action.

O my Beloved Christ, crucified by love, I wish to be a bride for Your Heart; I wish to cover You with glory; I wish to love You even unto death!  But I feel my weakness, and I ask You to 'clothe me with Yourself,' to identify my soul with all of the movements of Your Soul, to overwhelm me, to possess me, to substitute Yourself for me that my life may be but a radiance of Your Life.  Come into me as Adorer, as Restorer, as Savior.  O Eternal Word, Word of my God, I want to spend my life in listening to You, to become wholly teachable that I may learn all from You.  Then, through all nights, all voids, all helplessness, I want to gaze on You always and remain in Your great light.  O my beloved Star, so fascinate me that I may not withdraw from Your radiance. 

 --From the prayer of Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity

Insecure

I don't know why, but I'm feeling awfully insecure about my relationship with God right now.  I don't even know if "insecure" is quite the right term.  I can't explain it.  It's like... I feel like I've done something wrong and I really need to go to confession to fix things with God.  Except I haven't sinned mortally, that I know of (which means I haven't, since ya know, you need to have full knowledge to commit a mortal sin).

I'm acutely aware of my sinfulness.  My pride.  My God-awful pride.  It's as though I'm more aware of it now than ever before.

I don't think this necessarily connects to my insecurity.  When I think about my sinfulness, and especially my pride, I'm convinced of God's work to burn these parts of me away, of his promise of purification if I remain faithful.

Maybe I should feel insecure about my pride.  Maybe it [i]is[/i] what's wrong with stuff right now.  I hadn't made that connection until now.

*sigh*

I don't know.  I don't understand this.

EDIT:  I feel like I'm doing something wrong in prayer.  That I'm somehow displeasing God in my prayer.  But at the same time, the another part of me is saying, no, no I'm not.  I'm persevering.  God is pleased with that.  I think.  Unless I should be doing something different right now.  Ugh.

Canon Beach Vacation

Just got back from a weekend trip down to the Coast with my parents.  It was a lot of fun.  A few highlights:

• The Tillamook Cheese Factory.  Haha, this was great.  On our way down to Canon beach we stopped by the factory where the greatest cheese and ice cream is made in the entire Northwest.  I tried some "curds".  Nasty!!!  But we picked up some cheddar and pepper jack.  Good stuff.
• Canon beach was awesome!!!  There's this huuuuuge rock that is a ways off the coast line during high tide, but during low tide you can make your way out to it.  We don't there on Saturday morning during low tide and got to see all sorts of sea creatures, including MASSIVE star-fishes!!!  Pictures forthcoming.
• We also went down to Seaside beach, which has your typical "promenade".  Now, the West coast isn't exactly the same as... well, California or the East Coast beaches.  It's just not.  It's more like, "Hey, isn't nature beautiful?" than "Duuude, let's go surfing!!!"  Anyway, Seaside is cool because it's the end of the Lewis and Clark trail.  And there's a big statue of Lewis and Clark there.  And they sell salt-water taffee.  (So do most of the beach spots, but, you know, this is where we bought some.)
• I either fractured my foot or pulled a tendon.  Not exactly sure how I did it.  I think it was climbing (and slipping) up the sand dune.  All I know is that it hurts something awful!  I can barely walk.  I'm going to wait a few days and see if it heals a bit on its own, otherwise I'm heading into the doctor.  Something like this, though, most likely what they'd say is to ice, stay off it as much as possible.  Not much else you can do for these types of injuries.  My freshman year of college I had a hairline fracture on the top of my foot.  I did it during karate, not softball, so I was afraid to tell my coach about the injury.  Sooo I played on it anyways and offered up the pain.
• On our way home we drove over a 2.5 mile bridge that crosses the mouth of the Columbia River-- so cool!!  This bridge has some memories for me, as we used to cross it once a year on our way to the Long Beach parade during high school.  The bridge marked the spot where everyone on the band buses began changing into our uniforms.  Oh yeah, band kids changing on a bus.

 Got home in the early afternoon, which meant that I had to go to the 5:30pm youth Mass at a nearby parish.  It's a neat parish that is very family oriented.  And there was a baby baptism during this Mass!!!!

Now, crazy as this sounds, this was my first experience of an infant baptism!!  It was BEAUTIFUL!!  Oh man.  The little boy, John David, was so adorable!!!!  He watched the priest with great interest the entire rite and giggled when the priest traced the sign of the cross on his forehead.  I almost died!!  What really stuck out to me was the theme of being called by Christ into the family.  "You have been called by Christ."  Even the little ones!  Especially the little ones!  So beautiful.

During Holy Communion the dad had taken John David out of the church because he was getting a bit fussy.  So, he came in last with the little boy for Holy Communion.  And while they were walking past where I was kneeling, the little boy stared into my eyes for... what seemed like an eternity!!  He wouldn't look away... and I... I was overwhelmed because all I saw was Jesus in his eyes.  I can't explain it... it was such beautiful moment... and I couldn't help but weep...  I will never forget those eyes.  Never.

In other news... one week until I start work.  Crazy.  Still seems a bit surreal.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to keep a strong prayer life once work starts.  I know it's going to be tough work in general-- exhausting, even-- which means all the more that I need to be fueled in Christ.  How can I do his work if I'm not close to him?  So, I'm thinking it's either gotta be an early morning holy hour or a late night one.  Mass at my new parish is at 7:45am, office opens at 8:30am.  If I can manage it, I'd like to go to adoration at my home parish from 6:15-7:10am.  That leaves enough time to get to Mass at St. Rita's with time to spare for traffic.  Mass at 7:45am, followed by morning prayer.  Then evening prayer before I leave for home.  Or, if I can't manage to get up that early (hopefully I can make the early rising a sacrifice), I'll have to do a late night holy hour.  But, knowing me, it'll be more difficult to get over to the church for adoration late at night.  Hm.  We'll see.

John 15

Whilst sorting through things in my room (I say 'sorting' when it ought to have been cleaning and getting rid of... but, although I'm not a hoarder per se, I do have a difficult time getting rid of things), I found an old journal of mine from high school.  Intrigued, I decided to skim through the pages capturing my 16 year old self.

Intending to skim, I ended up sitting cross-legged on my floor, reading through each entry (about 8 months worth).  The entries began just after I had discovered the Real Presence and knew that I wanted to be Catholic. Reading through my entries, I can only smile.  My zeal was so intense and there was such a pure love for God, although, looking back now, I think to myself, "But I hardly even knew God!!"  Yet, it's true, even at that point in my life the Lord had captured my heart in such a unique and complete manner.  Most of my entries described that great desire for union with God-- the type of desire that is so wonderful, yet at the same time so painful.  I think I had a better understanding of it back then than I do now!!  And I think I had a better understanding of my unworthiness and sinfulness back then than I do now...

I also had such a strong love for the Holy Mass!!  I like to think I still do, but this...  It killed me, not being able to go to Mass.  At one point I had written: "I wish the Holy Mass could go on for eternity!!  If Heaven is anything like the Mass, I will be very content!!"

I could only chuckle out loud when I read that.  Clearly I had never heard the phrase "Heaven on Earth" describing the Holy Sacrifice.  This must have been before I had read Scott Hahn.


I didn't end up reading the whole journal, but what I did read inspired me.  It's interesting to see how far I've come (and perhaps what I've lost) since those days.  I think, looking back now, it was obvious even then that I would be called to the religious life.  I'm not sure if that's theologically correct, since I'm fairly certain that the Church teaches that our call is rooted in our baptism... and I had not yet been baptised (that was still a year away).  Then again, there's that mysterious baptism by desire.  Perhaps I was living in the baptism of desire at the time.  The catechism and theologians are unsure exactly how it works.  Who knows?

Life is good.  I am happy.  That's such an accomplishment.  I was thinking about it the other day...  It's only been very recently that I've really experienced true happiness (or true, lasting peace?).  I grew up in a wonderful household with wonderful parents, but by the time I was in middle school, I was very unhappy.  Perhaps even depressed.  Never quite suicidal.  But definitely suffering.  I think most kids that age do.  It's about the time that they finally start thinking about the bigger things and then realize they don't have the answer.  That also the time that I consciously embraced atheism.  And I found a book that provided for me the way to express how I felt inside and how I felt about the world.  The character that I clung to was very much a Nietzschean over-man.

Of course, God managed to capture me for himself and bring me into this crazy journey.  But even for those first years of my conversion and the year and a half prior to my baptism, I was never happy.  I knew that God was "my portion and my cup," that my "happiness lies in Him alone."  But I didn't experience an abiding peace or happiness.  At times, of course.  But then at times I would also "become anxious about many things" rather than focusing on "the one thing necessary."

Over the years God has been particularly patient with me and has continued to purify my heart and my desires.  There's still a lot of junk that needs to be cleared out, but somehow God has graced me with an abiding peace, despite various sufferings.  And God's peace definitely surpasses all understanding.

Really.  I don't understand this peace right now (not that I'm complaining!).  My desire (yes you've heard it before) to enter religious life now is so strong right now.  If you asked me what I wanted most right now, I'd say to be completely united with God in Heaven.  And then, if you asked me what I wanted second most right now, I'd say to enter the convent.

Yet, here I am, far away from entering, but very much at peace.  Very happy.  God is good to his little one!!  He has taught me to love his will more than my own, knowing that following his will bring him joy... and that will in turn make my joy complete.  "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

Job musings

Things are moving along quickly with the DRE position.  I met yesterday with Lisa, my boss, to fill out paper-work and get the tour of the parish grounds.  I get my own office!!  (Yes, I'm a little giddy about this little fact!)  And today I went to the parish to meet the "Senio-R-ita's" senior club-- how great is that?!  The parish is, of course, St. Rita's.  I was a little nervous to go down for this event since I knew no one and well, let's just say that being 1/3 the age of the entire group was a little intimidating.  I've always been uncomfortable in these types of situations... I'm just not the type of person to introduce myself to new people and make conversation.  Believe it or not, I'm more of an introvert than I am extrovert.

Well, I made it through the potluck alive and well!  The old ladies (it was mostly old ladies, of course) were wonderfully nice.

And then on Monday I'll be going to an Archdiocesan event for new DREs.

All very exciting!!  I'm super excited for the job, I really am.  I mean, what could be a better job than bringing people to Jesus?  I find that I'm already filled with a great love for the people of my parish and a great desire to help them grow in the faith.  I realize that nothing that I do will mean anything if I myself am not first and foremost concerned with the Lord.  Then it is with fasting and prayer and following the Spirit of the Lord that any fruit might be borne of my work.  I just keep praying that I will be open to God, to be His holy instrument... that I may keep myself out of His work.

I think that's my biggest fear: That I'm going to get in the way of God's work.  That I will either fail with concerning myself first with the Lord or that my own pride will interfere with His work... I think both are connected, of course.  God save me from both...

It's a strange place to be right now.  I finally have a concrete understanding of where God wants me and what He wants me to do.  Now it is time to do it.  To do God's work...

I was looking at pictures from the SSVM General Chapter tonight.  My desire for religious life hasn't waned in the least with my excitement for this job.  If I could, I would drop everything and go now.  I really would.  But I'm at peace, because I know, deep down, that this is what God wants from me right now.  I am confident that I am doing God's will in the present moment and that brings me great peace.

Funny, really.  Knowing that this is God's will.  Feeling excited about it.  Yet at the same time knowing that, if it were up to me and my own will, I would have chosen to enter now.  May God grant me the purification of my desires...

"Thy will be done"

A friend of mine sent this to me today.  One of those small graces God sends, knowing the desire of His little one.

"Thy will be done"
To a young woman prevented from becoming a nun
---------------------
Mademoiselle, 

You should resign yourself entirely into the hands of the good God, who, when you have done your little duty about this inspiration and design that you have, will be pleased with whatever you do, even if it be much less. In a word, you must have courage to do everything to become a religious, since God gives you such a desire. But if after all your efforts you cannot succeed you could not please our Lord more than by sacrificing to Him your will, and remaining in tranquility, humility, and devotion, entirely conformed and submissive to His divine will and good pleasure. You will recognize this clearly enough when, having done your best, you cannot fulfill your desires.

For our good God sometimes tries our courage and our love, depriving us of the things that seem to us, and which really are, very good for the soul. And if He sees us ardent in their pursuit, and yet humble, tranquil, and resigned to doing without and to the privation of the thing sought, He gives us blessings greater in the privation than in the possession o f the thing desired. For in all things and everywhere, God loves those who with good heart and simplicity, on all occasions and in all events, can say to Him, "Thy will be done"

Your humble servant, 
Francis

Books!!!

A positive (among many) about a new job related to my interests?  BOOKS!!  A pretty darn good excuse for purchasing and reading good books.

Yesterday I drove up to the local Catholic bookstore to peruse through their collections.  Ended up coming home with only one purchase: Church History by Fr. John Laux.  I've been meaning to get a good book on basic Church history for quite some time now-- it's my poorest subject.  It's a good read, actually.  Very smooth.  And actually engaging.  I've never been one for history in general (I love history but am terrible at remembering specifics and don't care for most history texts), but this is pretty good stuff.

I've also been perusing Amazon.  I made an order for The Vatican II Council Documents, Vol. I.  I figured that I needed those for reference.  I also ordered an RSV edition of the Holy Bible-- I have a NAB but I prefer RSV.  I have a very nice RSV New Testament, but I need the Old Testament as well.  Lastly I purchased The Mystery We Proclaim: Catechesis for the Third Millenium which I heard is a good book for catechesis.

I love new books!  I love reading!  I love books!  I GET TO HAVE MY OWN OFFICE WITH ALL OF MY BOOKS WITH ME!!!!!!!

Job thoughts (extended version)

I think my life is a testimony to that (often over-used) phrase, "God writes straight with crooked lines."  Times like these I find myself speechless and mystified at how God is working in my life.

Yesterday was a day full of great blessings.  

• I went to confession.  One thing the priest said to me that really put my mind at ease (and I'm not sure he even knew how much this one sentence hit me), "You know, we all get in those moods every once in a while and do something stupid."  Stupid.  That's how I always feel when I go to confession.  I feel silly.  Like, what in the world was I thinking when I committed those sins?  Doesn't even make sense.  And ya know, I rarely feel better immediately after confession.  Actually, most of the time, I feel worse right after confession, because receiving God's forgiveness is like double-edged sword... I did something that stupid and He still forgave me.  But, give me a few hours, another act of contrition, and I'm good to go.
• I received an e-mail from the President's office at my school alerting me that another donor has sent in a small donation to go toward my student loans!  Praise God!  The donor preferred to remain anonymous, but... praise God!
• And of course, I was offered the job as "Faith Formation Director" (why don't they just call it DRE like everyone else?) at a nearby parish.

I purposely missed the phone call from the parish yesterday afternoon, hoping I could be told via voicemail the outcome... of course, that wasn't the case and I had to call back to hear my fate.  I was so nervous beforehand.  And, in some ways, I didn't want the job.  I know that sounds silly and it is, but...  Well, committing to a real job has many implications:

• First and foremost, it means conceding to the fact that I won't be heading to the convent this year.  I know it's been a pretty well-established reality, but I hadn't yet really accepted it yet.  It kills me to think that I'll have to wait for at least a year, perhaps two, before I can go.
• Second, it means that I'm an adult now.  Like, a real grown up with a full-time job.  Call me crazy, but I'm rather attached to my childhood.  I've had many experiences in the past few years that have indicated that it's almost time to officially grow up... but this pretty much seals the deal.
• Third, it means that I'll be on the West coast for the next 1-2 years.  That's 3,000 miles away from my best friend, which absolutely kills me.  3,000 miles away from most of my friends, actually.  (And I don't really have a set of friends back here anymore, sadly.)  It's also 3,000 miles away from the Order and the sisters.  Starting a new job means I won't have vacation time accrued for a full year, so I won't be able to visit, either.
• Fourth, and this has been slightly touched on, it means I'll be 3,000 miles away from the sisters.  I'll be living at home in an environment that, while much improved lately, will not assist me to grow in holiness.  There's a small fear that I might, as the saying goes, "lose my vocation" somehow.  Whether that's a logical fear... I don't know.  But I do know that it may have been better, environment-wise, to live with the sisters and be able to pray with them and work out there.

Did I mention I'd be 3,000 miles away from my best friend whom I already miss immensely?  :-(  Well, most of those things listed are considerations of personal preferences and are answered by positives for staying here.  Except maybe the last one, but again, I think I just might be a little over-anxious on that account.  God will provide.

The positives for staying out here:

• First, I think the obvious should be stated: It's a job.  It pays money.  Money that can be used to pay off my student loans so that I can go and enter the convent.  Although I want to go right now, there's clearly a road block standing in my way.  There's been some help on the donation front, but not enough to overcome this barricade.  And I can't just sit and do nothing.  While it's a little terrifying to think that if I commit to this job, something might come up...  Well.  Like Monsignor said, right now we're looking at a choice between goods.  The job is a real good.  A donation is a possible good (and a better one, for my situation), but it is only in the realm of 'possible' right now.  Not fact.
• Second, my dad is ill and we don't know what the immediate future (next 1-2 years) is going to look like.  It could be bad.  It could be okay.  Don't know.  It seemed as though God wanted me at home for this current episode, maybe there's something on this front that I'm not yet aware of but for that reason God wants me here.
• Third, it's a job related to my field.  It'll give me good experience and training for any ministry I do potentially as a sister.  Words of my chaplain now echo back to me, "Kayla, I don't know, but I think God might want to work some good with you before you enter.  Maybe a donor(s) will come along, but I have a feeling He wants to use you during the interim."  I figured, at the time, that that was his way of preventing any major disappointment if I didn't manage to fundraise my student loans away.  Perhaps it was.  But it might very well be applicable now as well.
• Fourth, I get to stay at home and spend at least a year with my family.  I know that it's important to them and it's important to me as well.  As ready as I am to head off to the convent, the thought of leaving my family is certainly felt strongly.  I love my family and leaving them is not an easy thing to do.  Any time spent with them is a blessing, so perhaps if I'm not meant to enter this year, it's best that I be at home.
• Fifth, well, there's some stuff still up in the air about the Order and what have you.  Those things need to get sorted out first.

I talked to my s/d after getting the news and we covered basically all of the above.  I had asked to have until the end of the week to make my final decision, saying that I was very confident I would likely accept, but that I needed to confirm with my s/d and pray about it first.  I felt a little bad doing that but... I hadn't talked to Monsignor about it all, since everything happened so quickly.  But, we talked yesterday.  And I feel at peace with it.  I didn't at first.  But then I prayed about it, and felt very much at peace.  Monsignor said that I ought to try and contact M. Lumen before making my final decision, just to see what she thought as well.  I sent her an e-mail, but haven't heard back from her.  I'm going to try calling in about half an hour.  But I don't know if she's at the Chapter or what.  Last time we spoke she said we'd talk again at the end of July.

I felt kind of silly sending the e-mail, to tell the truth.  Maybe it's because I'm just not sure what the relationship is supposed to be like right now.  To what extent my decisions ought to be influenced by them.  I can't imagine her saying that I shouldn't take the job.  In fact, I have a feeling she might find it amusing I'm asking her about it in the first place.  Aaaaand, to be honest again, I'd really rather not have to call her today.  I need to, of course, but I'd rather not.  Because I still need to talk to her about the whole, well, situation going on with their founder, and I have no idea how to do that yet.  No idea what to ask or how to ask it.  Yet it would also feel strange if I called, talked to her, and didn't ask about it.  Easy solution would be if she just e-mailed me back and I didn't have to worry about it anymore...

Can you tell I'm not much of a phone person?  I hate talking on the phone.  I hate making phone calls.  I'd prefer talking face to face any day.  But even more I prefer e-mail.  I know, I know, lame.  But I express myself better via writing than I do in person or on the phone.  I had to call my s/d on his cell twice in the past week, and let me tell you, it killed me to do it!  I know, I'm ridiculous.  But still.

On a completely different note, my dad might be able to come home this afternoon.  They're going to take another set of x-rays later on today and if his lung is holding up, he'll get to come home!!  I hope he can!!

As it is, I need to clean up around the house and vacuum.  Ta-ta-for-now.

A JOB!!!!!!!!

Oh Heaven save me, I sure hope God knows what He's doing!!

I've officially been offered a job as the DRE of a parish across the river...  I'm quite speechless!!  I can't believe I managed to get the position...  these positions usually require much experience and usually a Masters degree as well!  Yet, here I am, with only a minor in Theology, my bachelor's, and no parish experience.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to manage!!  This is insane!!

I suppose this is the sign I've been looking for-- I'll be on West Coast for the next few years.

Oh man.  This is crazy.  I'm so AH I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

More coherent thoughts later.

Dad's still in the hospital.  The lung isn't healing the way it's supposed to...  there's still a lot of air in the chest cavity and fluid in the lung.

I'm scared.  So scared.  Not about this particular incident-- he's going to be fine.  Eventually.  But.  It's what's not being said that scares me so much.  His disease, a rare and dangerous form of arthritis, attacks organs in its third and final stage.  God, if this is the beginning of that...

The past two days have been particularly difficult for me.  I think the past week's events have finally caught up with me.

*sigh*

There's so much on my mind but I can't process it.

Update

I'm really just beyond tired right now.  So exhausted.  I really think they put something in the air at hospitals... or something.

Dad's surgery was successful.  They cut off part of the top of his lung (that was where his disease had attacked and where the hole was) and folded it over.  Then they "glued" the lung to his rib cage, essentially, to help prevent any further collapses.  The doctor said that the lung wasn't fully inflated yet, so they put another tube in his chest to help with that.  There was also a lot of scarring on his lung and a lot of fluid in there.  He took a sample of the fluid to test, so we'll see what that is.  Could be pneumonia or something else.  Don't know.  The chest tube is helping draining the fluid.  Waiting to hear from the doctor what's next.  Dad's doing well, though.  Feeling better.  And able to take some pain medicine now, which is good.

I'm so tired right now.  My mind feels something like a foggy bank.  I really wish this whole job was happening right now.  I mean, I'm certainly grateful to have some sort of light on that front but, goodness, talk about strange timing.

Well, I'm heading to bed.  Mass in the morning, then back to the hospital.  Hopefully Dad can come home on Monday.

Extended Update on my dad

These past three days have been extremely exhausting.  My mom sent me home from the hospital this afternoon to feed the animals and take a nap.  I laid down, only expecting to sleep for half an hour or so, and woke up two hours later.

Here's what happened:

On Wednesday morning my dad was experiencing symptoms something akin to a heart attack-- terrible chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.  He recognized it almost immediately as a collapsed lung because the same thing had happened to him two years ago and I had had to take him to the hospital.  So my mom drove him to the ER (he wouldn't wait for an ambulance).  They got him and confirmed that it was indeed a collapsed lung, the same lung that had collapsed last time.  Standard procedure for something like this (not usually a difficult case to deal with; in general folks are out of the hospital the next day) is to put a small tube in the top of the chest that will inflate the lung.  But since this was the second collapsed lung for my dad and because they feared there was fluid in his lung, they had to put a much bigger tube in the side of his chest that would not only inflate the lung but also drain the fluid in there.  The diameter of the tube was just about the size of a nickel.

All was well for that and he was soon transferred to an in-patient room.  My mom called and I headed up to spend the day there.

By late afternoon, however, my dad was getting super sick from the pain medicine.  That was something to be rather expected-- he has a history of being unable to take large doses of pain medicine, no matter what it is.  They tried percaced, morphine, oxicodine, etc.  along with various nausea medicines, but nothing would stay down.

I guess all of the heave-hoing caused the tube to move around or something, because the next thing I knew my dad was in more pain than I have ever seen anyone experience...  God I hope I never have to see that again... he was clutching he chest, crying and moaning, it was beyond screaming.  I can still see his face.  The nurses couldn't figure out was wrong and they couldn't give him pain medicine because he had been throwing it right back out.

I stood there, rosary in hand, unable to pray anything more than, "Jesus, Mary, Joseph..."  I just kept saying, "Jesus, give this to me, not him..."  


It was terrifying and it lasted for over half an hour before they finally figured out what was wrong.  Somehow the tube had loosed and air bubbles and pressure were entering his chest...  Thank God it wasn't a heart attack.

He calmed down quite a bit after that episode, but was still in quite a bit of pain and he refused to take any more pain medicine.  By night time, he was able to sleep, so me and my mom headed home fairly late.

We woke up again in the early morning and trekked back up to the hospital.  Well, my mom went about an hour before me and my brother did (he had driven down in the middle of the night).  He and I went around 8:30am.  We got there and there was a huge fuss in my dad's room.  There were three or four doctors (actual medical doctors... which you rarely get to see in the hospital) and five nurses making quite the ruckus.  They told us to wait in the family waiting area.

We could hear snips and pieces of their conversations.  Chest pain was at a ten again, throwing up more blood than they get back into him, have no idea what's causing the bleeding, internal bleeding...

Apparently not long after my mom got there, my dad had started puking up buckets full of blood-- they said at least five or six full buckets.  They tried sticking a tube down his throat to suck up the blood in his stomach (instead of puking it out), but that came out.  They finally got a tube down his nose and it started sucking out the blood.

They called in some gastro-specialist from a neighboring hospital to come in and take a look in his stomach, to figure out where the bleeding was coming from.  That took a few hours and those were especially terrifying because they said the bleeding could be caused by anything from a small tear in the stomach to something life-threatening.

Turns out that all of the heave-hoing from the day before had worn away the lining of his esophagus and that he had torn the lining right at a major blood vessel.  So, once again, we were saved by a minor complication.  The bleeding had stopped and it looks like the lining had healed itself, but that it is still liable for breaking open again if he gets sick again.

The rest of the day was mostly uneventful, except that my dad was in a lot of constant pain (not the super terrible chest pain of before) since he wasn't on any medication.  Eventually the pain got up there in the numbers to the point that, though his lung was not yet fully inflated, the doctors decided to take out his chest tube (the culprit of much of the pain).  That was pretty late last night.  Once the tube was out, he was feeling fine (and ready to get out!).  We left him to have a full night's rest.

This morning I had my job interview for the DRE position and I was hardly in the set of mind to go to it.  The only reason I ended up going was because my dad was so stable the night before and my mom said he was doing perfectly fine this morning.

I went back up to the hospital after my interview and he was looking really good.  Sleeping a lot, but still not eating.  They took another X-ray of his lung and he was hoping to come home this afternoon.  But we needed to wait for the doctors to come in and advise on whether they thought he should have surgery on his lung to prevent this from happening again.

My mom sent me home around 11:30am, to feed the animals and take a nap.  I was exhausted.  Just got a call from her saying that the doctors came and highly recommended the surgery.  So, that'll take place tomorrow morning.  Just praying that that doesn't have any major complications.

Thanks for all of the prayers and please keep them coming!

Now I'm heading back up to the hospital to relieve my mom for a bit.