John 15

Whilst sorting through things in my room (I say 'sorting' when it ought to have been cleaning and getting rid of... but, although I'm not a hoarder per se, I do have a difficult time getting rid of things), I found an old journal of mine from high school.  Intrigued, I decided to skim through the pages capturing my 16 year old self.

Intending to skim, I ended up sitting cross-legged on my floor, reading through each entry (about 8 months worth).  The entries began just after I had discovered the Real Presence and knew that I wanted to be Catholic. Reading through my entries, I can only smile.  My zeal was so intense and there was such a pure love for God, although, looking back now, I think to myself, "But I hardly even knew God!!"  Yet, it's true, even at that point in my life the Lord had captured my heart in such a unique and complete manner.  Most of my entries described that great desire for union with God-- the type of desire that is so wonderful, yet at the same time so painful.  I think I had a better understanding of it back then than I do now!!  And I think I had a better understanding of my unworthiness and sinfulness back then than I do now...

I also had such a strong love for the Holy Mass!!  I like to think I still do, but this...  It killed me, not being able to go to Mass.  At one point I had written: "I wish the Holy Mass could go on for eternity!!  If Heaven is anything like the Mass, I will be very content!!"

I could only chuckle out loud when I read that.  Clearly I had never heard the phrase "Heaven on Earth" describing the Holy Sacrifice.  This must have been before I had read Scott Hahn.


I didn't end up reading the whole journal, but what I did read inspired me.  It's interesting to see how far I've come (and perhaps what I've lost) since those days.  I think, looking back now, it was obvious even then that I would be called to the religious life.  I'm not sure if that's theologically correct, since I'm fairly certain that the Church teaches that our call is rooted in our baptism... and I had not yet been baptised (that was still a year away).  Then again, there's that mysterious baptism by desire.  Perhaps I was living in the baptism of desire at the time.  The catechism and theologians are unsure exactly how it works.  Who knows?

Life is good.  I am happy.  That's such an accomplishment.  I was thinking about it the other day...  It's only been very recently that I've really experienced true happiness (or true, lasting peace?).  I grew up in a wonderful household with wonderful parents, but by the time I was in middle school, I was very unhappy.  Perhaps even depressed.  Never quite suicidal.  But definitely suffering.  I think most kids that age do.  It's about the time that they finally start thinking about the bigger things and then realize they don't have the answer.  That also the time that I consciously embraced atheism.  And I found a book that provided for me the way to express how I felt inside and how I felt about the world.  The character that I clung to was very much a Nietzschean over-man.

Of course, God managed to capture me for himself and bring me into this crazy journey.  But even for those first years of my conversion and the year and a half prior to my baptism, I was never happy.  I knew that God was "my portion and my cup," that my "happiness lies in Him alone."  But I didn't experience an abiding peace or happiness.  At times, of course.  But then at times I would also "become anxious about many things" rather than focusing on "the one thing necessary."

Over the years God has been particularly patient with me and has continued to purify my heart and my desires.  There's still a lot of junk that needs to be cleared out, but somehow God has graced me with an abiding peace, despite various sufferings.  And God's peace definitely surpasses all understanding.

Really.  I don't understand this peace right now (not that I'm complaining!).  My desire (yes you've heard it before) to enter religious life now is so strong right now.  If you asked me what I wanted most right now, I'd say to be completely united with God in Heaven.  And then, if you asked me what I wanted second most right now, I'd say to enter the convent.

Yet, here I am, far away from entering, but very much at peace.  Very happy.  God is good to his little one!!  He has taught me to love his will more than my own, knowing that following his will bring him joy... and that will in turn make my joy complete.  "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."