Further Disappointment

Ugh.  *insert groan here*

I'm not even sure what to think or feel right now, except that my heart feels like it's dropped into my stomach.  One of those ugh-I-just-wish-not-of-this-was-even-happening feelings.

I was finally able to talk with my spiritual director today.  We haven't talked in about a month and a half, which I suppose isn't too terribly long of an in-between, but there's been some major things going on.  Probably most important is the (forced?) resignation of the Founder of the SSVM's, "my" sisters.  Everything is so vague that it's difficult to really even understand what's going on...  Part of it seems like politics, but some of it doesn't.  Either way, it all seems rather serious.  It has the potential of turning into a Legionaries situation, although I hope and pray that it doesn't/isn't.

My s/d was quite worried about the whole situation.  He's advised not to make any 'decisions' one way or another, but to take a step back into some further and deeper discernment with the Order.  To ask some serious questions from the Order and discern from there.  To pay close attention not only to the answers I'm giving, but how they answer them...

And, well, to be completely honest, I'm a little nervous I won't get any real answers.  If I don't, I mean, I suppose that's quite telling.  But I'm nervous about it none the less.  I'm scared.  I love this Order and I really, really don't want the accusations to be true.  I really don't want to find myself in a situation where I can't enter with them.  Just the thought of somewhere else... after knowing this Order... I don't know.  I can't imagine it.  I can't think of it.

Oh man.  I mean, I know this is the right step... and better to find out now that this isn't a good place for me rather than later.  Doesn't make it feel any better, but it's the truth.  (Sadly, as my s/d mentioned, he's in the same position right now with having to withdraw from the SHU presidential search... better for him to do it now rather than get into something that would've been bad for him... still sucks.  He was excited about it.  But it's not God's will.)

And, who knows, things might be alright.  I really hope so.  I really, really do.  But I just don't know yet.  I need to call M. Lumen and... ask questions, I guess?  I don't even know what to ask.  Well, I guess I have a full month to think about it and pray about it.  She'll be gone at the General Chapter for July...

Well, lots to pray about.  Most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself that this is yet another opportunity for growing in love for God's will, abandoning myself to it, and focusing on Jesus.  I have a full month before... anything, really.  A full month to pray about everything and particularly, to listen.  A full month of little action and a lot of listening.

I don't know what's next for me.  But, as Fr. Tim says, "Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."  Praise God for the opportunity to deny my will and embrace the Cross.