My mom took today off so that we could have a good half a day to spend with each other before I go back to school. (Only half of a day since my brother and his family came down around 3:30pm.) Somehow I knew that today would be the day that she and I would have "the talk." So, last night I entrusted the conversation to Our Blessed Mother and begged Our Lord for patience with me.
We went out to lunch at Red Robbin's. I wasn't really hungry, but somehow I knew that this would be the setting in which we'd talk. I think it was more that I lost my appetite with nerves than not being hungry in the first place. Regardless. We went.
I was inwardly praying to the Holy Spirit the entire time. Then it came... the opportunity to say something. My mom asked, "So, what are you thinking for after graduation?"
"Oh, well, I'm not sure yet... I'm thinking about a few different things. A job, maybe grad school but probably not... mission work..."
^That of course was the place that I was also supposed to add something about maybe-perhaps-possibly thinking about religious life. But I went silent, losing my courage to say anything at all.
Conversation went on for a little while. Somehow we got to talking about the priesthood. She said something about how it's unfair they can't be married or have a family (yadda yadda). And I commented that there was something beautiful about that sacrifice that allows them to be even better pastors and really, spiritual fathers. That they are able to dedicate their entire life to the spiritual well-being to their flock.
"Is that something you're thinking about doing, then?"
"Well, yeah, I'm definitely thinking about it."
"I knew it!" she said.
I could of chuckled nervously. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. "Yeah. Yeah, I knew you knew..."
I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. I know she said something about grandkids. Having a family. Why someone couldn't do the "same things" and still have a family. And some comment about student loans. Needless to say it was a much different conversation than the one I had with my dad. And I was very glad when the topic changed.
I don't know why it is, but whenever I have the opportunity to explain any part of the Faith to my mom, I always fail with words. My mind goes utterly blank. Despite the fact that to pretty much any one else I could describe the beauties of a religious vocation, with my mom, I can barely stammer out a coherent word. I suppose it all relates back to my first experience ever talking about Faith with her. It just wasn't a good experience.
Well. At any rate. Now both of my parents know about my discernment, at least in the abstract. And both of them are supportive, to one extent or another. My dad was much more encouraging in his support. My mom didn't say anything that was supportive, but in her backwords way she expressed it by not completely disapproving. It's going to be harder for her in the long run. But I know that both of my parents love me and only want me to be happy.
It seems so strange to me. Having actually spoken to them and saying out loud what I never thought I could say... It's very liberating.
And also very terrifying. What is there now to stand between me and my vocation? What obstacles pose difficulties in pursuing my vocation?
Nothing. There's nothing that stands between me and that "next step." In way that has yet to be, everything has become "real."
How can I describe my emotions right now? I would say that I'm terrified... it would seem to be the appropriate response. But honestly, I'm not. I wouldn't say that I'm indifferent, but I don't have any "outbursts" or emotion or anything like that. I'm excited. A little bit nervous. But mostly just ready.
I was talking to a friend tonight and the perfect metaphor came to me. I feel like I'm floating down the stream of God's will for me. I'm not doing anything of my own power. I just feel as though I've let go and allowed God to take control. I'm floating; everything in the past few months have come to me so smoothly that I feel like, in some ways, they've just happened to me. Like everything was set before me so perfectly that the next step was so very natural. I didn't even really have to think about it. It just happened.
And I think I have finally learned that when things are going like this, I have to be extra careful to keep relaxing and allowing myself to continue floating. I've always had the tendency to suddenly realize I'm in deep waters and begin to tense up and panic. Which of course completely disrupts the flow.
I'm a horrible swimmer in real life, so this analogy helps me a lot.
You know, it's funny to be at this point and to feel so at peace with everything. I never would have imagined everything unfolding the way it is currently. God is so, so good to me. And so patient with me. I can't help but feeling slightly guilty that He does so much of the work. But you know what? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let yourself be loved by God. To let Him do the dirty work.
My spiritual director has a favorite verse from Romans that he likes to quote at me fairly often... All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Amen!
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