P&W and Testimony

Last night we had a "Night of Praise and Worship," utilizing the student/seminarian band that would have played at Mount 2000.  The first half an hour was praise and worship, then the last hour was adoration (with a small procession and some more P&W).

In between the two I gave my testimony.  It was only a crowd of 80 or so (much smaller than 1,600!), but I was nervous beforehand nonetheless.

It went well...  the moment I started speaking, I literally felt the Holy Spirit.  I was completely at peace and really, it felt as though He was speaking through me.  I've experienced this a few times-  where afterwards I'm not even entirely sure what I actually said.  It's a beautiful experience.  And it just felt so natural.

This might seem strange, but I've always had some sort of inkling that God wants to use me to proclaim His glory.  In a concrete sense, like I did last night, sharing how He has worked in my life.  I don't know.  It really is such a strange sensation when I share my story, because I can see the Holy Spirit working, not only through me, but also in those to whom I speaking.  They say that sometimes you never know whose hearts you've touched.  That's true.  But when I'm speaking, sometimes I can see the Holy Spirit moving hearts and its so beautiful.

Afterwards many people came to thank me, to speak with me...  I wasn't really prepared for that.  And all I could do was repeat with Our Blessed Mother "The Almighty has done great things for me..."

When we were training for our testimonies, the Deacon warned us that whenever you speak in front of crowd of people in this sort of context, there is the danger of becoming a sort of "iconic" figure.  But that all costs we must remember that it's not about us... it's about God.  All about God.  And that's so true.  Besides, who could possibly take credit for anything?  God is the Author of all the things that we share about anyways.  It's all for His Glory.

On a slightly different note...

I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.  I know that my s/d advised a month to all of Lent to continue praying about this stage of my discernment...  but I don't think I can wait any longer!  I meet with him again on Tuesday, which will be three weeks from the last time we met.  So not quite a month.  I don't know what he's going to say.  But...  I just want to be there now!!  How can I possibly wait any longer to apply?!

I suppose, once again, it is simply a time to grow in trust and in humility.  If I'm honest with myself, there's part of me that just wants to know for sure what I'm doing after graduation.  For practical reasons too-- will I be going on senior week after graduation?  Am I purchasing tickets to go home right after graduation?  Am I going to any of my friends' ordinations?  Should I be trying to find a job?  And not to mention, I'd be able to give a slightly more concrete answer to those folks who keep asking that dreaded question: What are you doing after graduation?  There's just something nice about knowing...  then I could relax some more and focus on my last semester and my studies and what have you.

Actually, in this whole process, I feel as though it's just been one big lesson in trust.  There's still part of me that questions, "Really, God?  This is where You want me?"  Yet, despite that, I still have this strange, underlying confidence that this really is where He wants me.  And even though, at some levels, it doesn't make sense...  in many ways, it does.  And it's comforting to look back and see very clearly how God has been moving my discernment.

Oy vey.  I guess in some ways I would just like to see some progress.  It's frustrating, sometimes, to know so clearly what you see as God's plan...  and not be able to go forward.  But.  Again.  Trust.  And humility.  And really, obedience, too.  All very good things.  And besides, God's will be done, not mine.  If I'm supposed to wait longer...  I won't like it...  but I'll do it.

Holy Hour & Confessions w/VD from Franciscans of the Immaculate

Wow, I am so excited!

So apparently Fr. Jacinto Mary, the vocations director for the community Franciscans of the Immaculate will be coming up to the Mount regardless of Mount 2000 being cancelled.  Seeing as we have a Militia Immaculata group on campus (I've been a part of it since my freshman year), he wanted to do something special with us.  So, we're having a Holy hour and he's going to give a reflection and hear confessions.  Then we're all going down for dinner together.

I'm pumped!

Mount 2000 Cancelled

A pretty big bummer. It was the County's decision- said the roads were unsafe for travel.

Talk about disappointing. We've all work so hard for this retreat. Months of planning...

Well, hopefully God will still use all of the prayers, scarfices, and hard work for the would-have-been retreatants.

We have no classes again tomorrow. Somehow the extra-long weekend isn't as appealing anymore. I guess it means I should catch up and get ahead with work. Kind of hard to do with the library closed...not to mention little motivation.

I know I've repeated the verse over and over again, but I find it comforting in good times and bad: Romans 8:28. "God works together all things for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose." And the prayer a priest friend taught me... "Thank you, Jesus, for loving us this way."

Some other things going on with friends right now...

Just not so hot of a week. Oh well. Spiritual direction on Tuesday, hopefully with some positive news for me. We'll see.

Blizzard Conditions

This is really insane.  It's still snowing hardcore and now we have blizzard conditions, with winds from 35-40 mph.  We've had another accumulation of somewhere between 20-30 inches, which is about 4 feet total.

Classes were cancelled for today and for tomorrow.

Really praying that Mount 2000 will still happen this weekend.

SNOW!!!!

This is a picture I took on Sunday of our "miniature Grotto" near the main Chapel.  (If you look closely near the top-center you can see the gold statue of Mary from the real Grotto.)  One of my favorite places to pray on campus-- it's so peaceful.  There's a pond and small water fall thing and fish in the pond.

As you can also see from this picture, we have a heck of a lot of snow!!!  It's been absolutely insane!!!  Most snow I've seen in my life!!!  We got about two and half feet over the weekend.  On Saturday I trekked to morning Mass through snow that was up to my hip-- it was crazy!!!  I felt hardcore.  ;-)

Saturday we spent about four hours out on "Echo field" (it's a large field in front of the seminary and the only good place for sledding).  We started out sledding with the Vice Rector's sleds, but then gave up with sleds and just threw each other down the hill because there was so much snow that it didn't hurt at all.  It was so much fun!!  We would run and just jump over the miniature cliff and dive into the snow!!  Probably the only time I can say that it was appropriate to be tackled and thrown down a hill by seminarians.  ;-)

Surprisingly we didn't get off any school, despite there still being TONS of snow EVERYWHERE.  And now we're being by ANOTHER snow storm.  It started snowing again around 3pm this afternoon and isn't supposed to stop until 11pm tomorrow night.  They're projecting another two feet!!!!!  CRAZY!!!!!

I just hope that we don't have to cancel Mount 2000.  Everyone has been working so hard on the retreat...  and it's such a powerful experience for the 1,600 high schoolers that come out for it.

I've been working with one of the deacons on my testimony.  It has to be 3 minutes....  3!!!!!!  We've been able to get it parched down, though, and I've been practicing a lot.  My whole conversion is still hard for me to talk about...  and every time I finish practicing giving my testimony in front of people, I am drained.  But God is good and He'll give me the strength I need.  1,600 kids... plus all the priests, seminarians, and college students in attendance.  Talk about insane.  But, God willing, it will go well.

Classes are cancelled for tomorrow, but my school hasn't officially announced it yet.  They're going to wait until tomorrow morning at 5am.  Smart move, if you ask me.  If they let the campus know this evening, we'd have to deal with a lot of parties and an insane amount of drinking.

I plan on catching up on a lot of work tomorrow.  And attempting to get ahead for next week, since my entire weekend will be given away to this retreat.

Romans 8:28 Revisited

It's my s/d's favorite verse and honestly, one of mine as well.  All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

God is way too good to me.

One of the many things that "got" to me during my conversation with my mom on Monday was her refusal to acknowledge our conversation over break.  When talking about after graduation, she wouldn't mention even the possibility of my vocation.

Later this week, however, an opportunity arose for me to say something nonchalantly in an e-mail.  Here's what I said (again, very nonchalantly):

And that all, of course, depends on what works out for me after graduation.  I still just don’t know.  I’m drawn in a couple different directions.  I’m still really considering the nun thing or missionary work.  In which case I’d of course want to come home first.  Or there’s still the thought of teaching.  In which case I would either come home or stay out here depending on the job market.  But I'm really starting to think that I have to at least try the nun thing.  I'm starting to feel more and more like that is what will make me happiest…

Anywho.  So there's still a lot up in the air.

I felt almost physically sick after sending it, but somehow knew it was an opportunity I was supposed to take.  I was very anxious during class, waiting so that I could go and see if she'd responded.  I half figured she wouldn't, or that she'd just ignore it.  I don't know.

When I got out of class I checked my e-mail and she had responded...  She said something in relation to something else I had written, and then this: If you do the Nun thing or missionary work- where does that take you, how does it work? Do you get any sort of pay while doing that?

I wasn't sure exactly how I wanted to respond to this, so I went to the chapel to pray about it.  I was again very nervous and anxious.  But almost immediately I was filled with peace and my prayer went elsewhere.

Later I checked my e-mail again and had another response from my mom, this time saying: If you decide to pursue a vocation with the Church, we totally support you.  I just have to get used to the no gran-babies (and I will :-) ) We want you to do what will make you happy.  

It went on... but...

Let's just say that this is second time I've cried extensively this week.  God is soooo good!!!!  I am still in shock!!!

"And a sword shall pierce your heart..."

Yesterday was a tough day for me.

I talked with my for a while and by the time we got done, I could hardly keep myself composed.

A mixture of different things.

First, my brother has just received orders to Ft. Bragg, NC.  (He's in the Army, 82nd Airborne.)  They just moved to a base back home less than a year ago.  They just had a child, my niece, just bought a home, just got settled in.  All very close to my parents.  And now they have to pick up and move across country again.  What's worse...  well, Ft. Bragg is basically just a prepping place for deployment.  So when you get orders to Ft. Bragg, it means that you're almost certainly going to be deployed.

This news made my heart sink to my stomach...  I can't imagine my brother being deployed again.  And my sister-in-law taking care of three small children, away from all family.

Then my mom was asking more about after graduation.  Whether or not she should purchase me a ticket to come home with them or what was going to happen...  (She seems to have purposely forgotten our conversation over break.)

I don't know why I got so upset.  I wasn't upset on the phone, but I was afterwards.  I was just hit by a brick wall of emotions.

a) Sacrifice of the family...  I mean, I've known that it's part of the whole deal.  But it kind of hit me full force after I got done talking with her.  I realized that I might not ever go home again where home is "where I live."  That may seem silly, but it hit me pretty hard.  That home, while it will always be home, won't be the same anymore.  I don't know how to explain it.  And how much I'm going to miss my parents.  So much.  And I realized that... well, I'm going to have to hurt my mom.  And that hurts me so much.

b) I was also seized by fear...  I realized that I have absolutely no plans, no back-up plans, nothing.  If this doesn't work, I have no idea what I'm going to do.  No idea where my life is going.  Nothing.  I guess I've just never even thought about the "what if."  I mean, I guess this is where true trust and abandonment comes in.  Everything's on the line, in a sense.

c) Just a general fear of not being able to do.  A total inadequacy.  I can't make the sacrifice.  I can't do it.

So, the intensity of all these emotions at once overwhelmed me and I had a miniature breakdown in the chapel.  After a good crying session, I was able to calm down.  The fear slowly faded as I recognized this as an opportunity for even greater trust in Our Lord.  The sadness remained, but I was comforted by Our Lady. For some reason, when I looked to her, I was reminded of the Presentation of Our Lord (which we celebrate today!) and the prophecy about her heart being pierced by a sword.

Then I came back to my room, and lo and behold, these lyrics from a country song (yes, yes, more country!) played:

I will give you My heart, be all that you need, show you that you're everything that's precious to Me... if you give Me a chance, I can love you like that...


I never make a promise I don't intend to keep, so when I say 'forever', forever's what I mean...