Yesterday was a tough day for me.
I talked with my for a while and by the time we got done, I could hardly keep myself composed.
A mixture of different things.
First, my brother has just received orders to Ft. Bragg, NC. (He's in the Army, 82nd Airborne.) They just moved to a base back home less than a year ago. They just had a child, my niece, just bought a home, just got settled in. All very close to my parents. And now they have to pick up and move across country again. What's worse... well, Ft. Bragg is basically just a prepping place for deployment. So when you get orders to Ft. Bragg, it means that you're almost certainly going to be deployed.
This news made my heart sink to my stomach... I can't imagine my brother being deployed again. And my sister-in-law taking care of three small children, away from all family.
Then my mom was asking more about after graduation. Whether or not she should purchase me a ticket to come home with them or what was going to happen... (She seems to have purposely forgotten our conversation over break.)
I don't know why I got so upset. I wasn't upset on the phone, but I was afterwards. I was just hit by a brick wall of emotions.
a) Sacrifice of the family... I mean, I've known that it's part of the whole deal. But it kind of hit me full force after I got done talking with her. I realized that I might not ever go home again where home is "where I live." That may seem silly, but it hit me pretty hard. That home, while it will always be home, won't be the same anymore. I don't know how to explain it. And how much I'm going to miss my parents. So much. And I realized that... well, I'm going to have to hurt my mom. And that hurts me so much.
b) I was also seized by fear... I realized that I have absolutely no plans, no back-up plans, nothing. If this doesn't work, I have no idea what I'm going to do. No idea where my life is going. Nothing. I guess I've just never even thought about the "what if." I mean, I guess this is where true trust and abandonment comes in. Everything's on the line, in a sense.
c) Just a general fear of not being able to do. A total inadequacy. I can't make the sacrifice. I can't do it.
So, the intensity of all these emotions at once overwhelmed me and I had a miniature breakdown in the chapel. After a good crying session, I was able to calm down. The fear slowly faded as I recognized this as an opportunity for even greater trust in Our Lord. The sadness remained, but I was comforted by Our Lady. For some reason, when I looked to her, I was reminded of the Presentation of Our Lord (which we celebrate today!) and the prophecy about her heart being pierced by a sword.
Then I came back to my room, and lo and behold, these lyrics from a country song (yes, yes, more country!) played:
I will give you My heart, be all that you need, show you that you're everything that's precious to Me... if you give Me a chance, I can love you like that...
I never make a promise I don't intend to keep, so when I say 'forever', forever's what I mean...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted (and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed." -- Luke 2:34-35
ReplyDeleteThat's my favorite scripture in all of the New Testament. <3
---
I will be praying for your brother and his family, especially if he does get deployed. :( One of my half-brothers has been in Iraq for about a year now (he's been deployed there twice before, too). He's in the Air Force and is due to return to the States in May - God willing!
---
Also, like you said... this is a perfect time to grow in total abandonment to God's will and to grow in that supernatural trust, the kind that defies human reasoning, right? ;) God will give you the grace.
I remember when I first entered, I finally felt the real sting of my sacrifice of music... I remember being at Mass and hearing a lady and her husband playing the flute and violin for Mass during Communion. I just sat there and sobbed. (It was messy. And somewhat embaressing.) And then I realized, "If it wasn't a sacrifice, it wouldn't hurt." That was huge for me... I could finally offer that pain as a true sacrifice of love.
I send you many prayers and hugs, my friend. God and Our Lady will guide and protect you no matter where you go or what you do. They know you have a pure heart that longs to love and serve Him.