John 15

Whilst sorting through things in my room (I say 'sorting' when it ought to have been cleaning and getting rid of... but, although I'm not a hoarder per se, I do have a difficult time getting rid of things), I found an old journal of mine from high school.  Intrigued, I decided to skim through the pages capturing my 16 year old self.

Intending to skim, I ended up sitting cross-legged on my floor, reading through each entry (about 8 months worth).  The entries began just after I had discovered the Real Presence and knew that I wanted to be Catholic. Reading through my entries, I can only smile.  My zeal was so intense and there was such a pure love for God, although, looking back now, I think to myself, "But I hardly even knew God!!"  Yet, it's true, even at that point in my life the Lord had captured my heart in such a unique and complete manner.  Most of my entries described that great desire for union with God-- the type of desire that is so wonderful, yet at the same time so painful.  I think I had a better understanding of it back then than I do now!!  And I think I had a better understanding of my unworthiness and sinfulness back then than I do now...

I also had such a strong love for the Holy Mass!!  I like to think I still do, but this...  It killed me, not being able to go to Mass.  At one point I had written: "I wish the Holy Mass could go on for eternity!!  If Heaven is anything like the Mass, I will be very content!!"

I could only chuckle out loud when I read that.  Clearly I had never heard the phrase "Heaven on Earth" describing the Holy Sacrifice.  This must have been before I had read Scott Hahn.


I didn't end up reading the whole journal, but what I did read inspired me.  It's interesting to see how far I've come (and perhaps what I've lost) since those days.  I think, looking back now, it was obvious even then that I would be called to the religious life.  I'm not sure if that's theologically correct, since I'm fairly certain that the Church teaches that our call is rooted in our baptism... and I had not yet been baptised (that was still a year away).  Then again, there's that mysterious baptism by desire.  Perhaps I was living in the baptism of desire at the time.  The catechism and theologians are unsure exactly how it works.  Who knows?

Life is good.  I am happy.  That's such an accomplishment.  I was thinking about it the other day...  It's only been very recently that I've really experienced true happiness (or true, lasting peace?).  I grew up in a wonderful household with wonderful parents, but by the time I was in middle school, I was very unhappy.  Perhaps even depressed.  Never quite suicidal.  But definitely suffering.  I think most kids that age do.  It's about the time that they finally start thinking about the bigger things and then realize they don't have the answer.  That also the time that I consciously embraced atheism.  And I found a book that provided for me the way to express how I felt inside and how I felt about the world.  The character that I clung to was very much a Nietzschean over-man.

Of course, God managed to capture me for himself and bring me into this crazy journey.  But even for those first years of my conversion and the year and a half prior to my baptism, I was never happy.  I knew that God was "my portion and my cup," that my "happiness lies in Him alone."  But I didn't experience an abiding peace or happiness.  At times, of course.  But then at times I would also "become anxious about many things" rather than focusing on "the one thing necessary."

Over the years God has been particularly patient with me and has continued to purify my heart and my desires.  There's still a lot of junk that needs to be cleared out, but somehow God has graced me with an abiding peace, despite various sufferings.  And God's peace definitely surpasses all understanding.

Really.  I don't understand this peace right now (not that I'm complaining!).  My desire (yes you've heard it before) to enter religious life now is so strong right now.  If you asked me what I wanted most right now, I'd say to be completely united with God in Heaven.  And then, if you asked me what I wanted second most right now, I'd say to enter the convent.

Yet, here I am, far away from entering, but very much at peace.  Very happy.  God is good to his little one!!  He has taught me to love his will more than my own, knowing that following his will bring him joy... and that will in turn make my joy complete.  "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

Job musings

Things are moving along quickly with the DRE position.  I met yesterday with Lisa, my boss, to fill out paper-work and get the tour of the parish grounds.  I get my own office!!  (Yes, I'm a little giddy about this little fact!)  And today I went to the parish to meet the "Senio-R-ita's" senior club-- how great is that?!  The parish is, of course, St. Rita's.  I was a little nervous to go down for this event since I knew no one and well, let's just say that being 1/3 the age of the entire group was a little intimidating.  I've always been uncomfortable in these types of situations... I'm just not the type of person to introduce myself to new people and make conversation.  Believe it or not, I'm more of an introvert than I am extrovert.

Well, I made it through the potluck alive and well!  The old ladies (it was mostly old ladies, of course) were wonderfully nice.

And then on Monday I'll be going to an Archdiocesan event for new DREs.

All very exciting!!  I'm super excited for the job, I really am.  I mean, what could be a better job than bringing people to Jesus?  I find that I'm already filled with a great love for the people of my parish and a great desire to help them grow in the faith.  I realize that nothing that I do will mean anything if I myself am not first and foremost concerned with the Lord.  Then it is with fasting and prayer and following the Spirit of the Lord that any fruit might be borne of my work.  I just keep praying that I will be open to God, to be His holy instrument... that I may keep myself out of His work.

I think that's my biggest fear: That I'm going to get in the way of God's work.  That I will either fail with concerning myself first with the Lord or that my own pride will interfere with His work... I think both are connected, of course.  God save me from both...

It's a strange place to be right now.  I finally have a concrete understanding of where God wants me and what He wants me to do.  Now it is time to do it.  To do God's work...

I was looking at pictures from the SSVM General Chapter tonight.  My desire for religious life hasn't waned in the least with my excitement for this job.  If I could, I would drop everything and go now.  I really would.  But I'm at peace, because I know, deep down, that this is what God wants from me right now.  I am confident that I am doing God's will in the present moment and that brings me great peace.

Funny, really.  Knowing that this is God's will.  Feeling excited about it.  Yet at the same time knowing that, if it were up to me and my own will, I would have chosen to enter now.  May God grant me the purification of my desires...

"Thy will be done"

A friend of mine sent this to me today.  One of those small graces God sends, knowing the desire of His little one.

"Thy will be done"
To a young woman prevented from becoming a nun
---------------------
Mademoiselle, 

You should resign yourself entirely into the hands of the good God, who, when you have done your little duty about this inspiration and design that you have, will be pleased with whatever you do, even if it be much less. In a word, you must have courage to do everything to become a religious, since God gives you such a desire. But if after all your efforts you cannot succeed you could not please our Lord more than by sacrificing to Him your will, and remaining in tranquility, humility, and devotion, entirely conformed and submissive to His divine will and good pleasure. You will recognize this clearly enough when, having done your best, you cannot fulfill your desires.

For our good God sometimes tries our courage and our love, depriving us of the things that seem to us, and which really are, very good for the soul. And if He sees us ardent in their pursuit, and yet humble, tranquil, and resigned to doing without and to the privation of the thing sought, He gives us blessings greater in the privation than in the possession o f the thing desired. For in all things and everywhere, God loves those who with good heart and simplicity, on all occasions and in all events, can say to Him, "Thy will be done"

Your humble servant, 
Francis

Books!!!

A positive (among many) about a new job related to my interests?  BOOKS!!  A pretty darn good excuse for purchasing and reading good books.

Yesterday I drove up to the local Catholic bookstore to peruse through their collections.  Ended up coming home with only one purchase: Church History by Fr. John Laux.  I've been meaning to get a good book on basic Church history for quite some time now-- it's my poorest subject.  It's a good read, actually.  Very smooth.  And actually engaging.  I've never been one for history in general (I love history but am terrible at remembering specifics and don't care for most history texts), but this is pretty good stuff.

I've also been perusing Amazon.  I made an order for The Vatican II Council Documents, Vol. I.  I figured that I needed those for reference.  I also ordered an RSV edition of the Holy Bible-- I have a NAB but I prefer RSV.  I have a very nice RSV New Testament, but I need the Old Testament as well.  Lastly I purchased The Mystery We Proclaim: Catechesis for the Third Millenium which I heard is a good book for catechesis.

I love new books!  I love reading!  I love books!  I GET TO HAVE MY OWN OFFICE WITH ALL OF MY BOOKS WITH ME!!!!!!!

Job thoughts (extended version)

I think my life is a testimony to that (often over-used) phrase, "God writes straight with crooked lines."  Times like these I find myself speechless and mystified at how God is working in my life.

Yesterday was a day full of great blessings.  

• I went to confession.  One thing the priest said to me that really put my mind at ease (and I'm not sure he even knew how much this one sentence hit me), "You know, we all get in those moods every once in a while and do something stupid."  Stupid.  That's how I always feel when I go to confession.  I feel silly.  Like, what in the world was I thinking when I committed those sins?  Doesn't even make sense.  And ya know, I rarely feel better immediately after confession.  Actually, most of the time, I feel worse right after confession, because receiving God's forgiveness is like double-edged sword... I did something that stupid and He still forgave me.  But, give me a few hours, another act of contrition, and I'm good to go.
• I received an e-mail from the President's office at my school alerting me that another donor has sent in a small donation to go toward my student loans!  Praise God!  The donor preferred to remain anonymous, but... praise God!
• And of course, I was offered the job as "Faith Formation Director" (why don't they just call it DRE like everyone else?) at a nearby parish.

I purposely missed the phone call from the parish yesterday afternoon, hoping I could be told via voicemail the outcome... of course, that wasn't the case and I had to call back to hear my fate.  I was so nervous beforehand.  And, in some ways, I didn't want the job.  I know that sounds silly and it is, but...  Well, committing to a real job has many implications:

• First and foremost, it means conceding to the fact that I won't be heading to the convent this year.  I know it's been a pretty well-established reality, but I hadn't yet really accepted it yet.  It kills me to think that I'll have to wait for at least a year, perhaps two, before I can go.
• Second, it means that I'm an adult now.  Like, a real grown up with a full-time job.  Call me crazy, but I'm rather attached to my childhood.  I've had many experiences in the past few years that have indicated that it's almost time to officially grow up... but this pretty much seals the deal.
• Third, it means that I'll be on the West coast for the next 1-2 years.  That's 3,000 miles away from my best friend, which absolutely kills me.  3,000 miles away from most of my friends, actually.  (And I don't really have a set of friends back here anymore, sadly.)  It's also 3,000 miles away from the Order and the sisters.  Starting a new job means I won't have vacation time accrued for a full year, so I won't be able to visit, either.
• Fourth, and this has been slightly touched on, it means I'll be 3,000 miles away from the sisters.  I'll be living at home in an environment that, while much improved lately, will not assist me to grow in holiness.  There's a small fear that I might, as the saying goes, "lose my vocation" somehow.  Whether that's a logical fear... I don't know.  But I do know that it may have been better, environment-wise, to live with the sisters and be able to pray with them and work out there.

Did I mention I'd be 3,000 miles away from my best friend whom I already miss immensely?  :-(  Well, most of those things listed are considerations of personal preferences and are answered by positives for staying here.  Except maybe the last one, but again, I think I just might be a little over-anxious on that account.  God will provide.

The positives for staying out here:

• First, I think the obvious should be stated: It's a job.  It pays money.  Money that can be used to pay off my student loans so that I can go and enter the convent.  Although I want to go right now, there's clearly a road block standing in my way.  There's been some help on the donation front, but not enough to overcome this barricade.  And I can't just sit and do nothing.  While it's a little terrifying to think that if I commit to this job, something might come up...  Well.  Like Monsignor said, right now we're looking at a choice between goods.  The job is a real good.  A donation is a possible good (and a better one, for my situation), but it is only in the realm of 'possible' right now.  Not fact.
• Second, my dad is ill and we don't know what the immediate future (next 1-2 years) is going to look like.  It could be bad.  It could be okay.  Don't know.  It seemed as though God wanted me at home for this current episode, maybe there's something on this front that I'm not yet aware of but for that reason God wants me here.
• Third, it's a job related to my field.  It'll give me good experience and training for any ministry I do potentially as a sister.  Words of my chaplain now echo back to me, "Kayla, I don't know, but I think God might want to work some good with you before you enter.  Maybe a donor(s) will come along, but I have a feeling He wants to use you during the interim."  I figured, at the time, that that was his way of preventing any major disappointment if I didn't manage to fundraise my student loans away.  Perhaps it was.  But it might very well be applicable now as well.
• Fourth, I get to stay at home and spend at least a year with my family.  I know that it's important to them and it's important to me as well.  As ready as I am to head off to the convent, the thought of leaving my family is certainly felt strongly.  I love my family and leaving them is not an easy thing to do.  Any time spent with them is a blessing, so perhaps if I'm not meant to enter this year, it's best that I be at home.
• Fifth, well, there's some stuff still up in the air about the Order and what have you.  Those things need to get sorted out first.

I talked to my s/d after getting the news and we covered basically all of the above.  I had asked to have until the end of the week to make my final decision, saying that I was very confident I would likely accept, but that I needed to confirm with my s/d and pray about it first.  I felt a little bad doing that but... I hadn't talked to Monsignor about it all, since everything happened so quickly.  But, we talked yesterday.  And I feel at peace with it.  I didn't at first.  But then I prayed about it, and felt very much at peace.  Monsignor said that I ought to try and contact M. Lumen before making my final decision, just to see what she thought as well.  I sent her an e-mail, but haven't heard back from her.  I'm going to try calling in about half an hour.  But I don't know if she's at the Chapter or what.  Last time we spoke she said we'd talk again at the end of July.

I felt kind of silly sending the e-mail, to tell the truth.  Maybe it's because I'm just not sure what the relationship is supposed to be like right now.  To what extent my decisions ought to be influenced by them.  I can't imagine her saying that I shouldn't take the job.  In fact, I have a feeling she might find it amusing I'm asking her about it in the first place.  Aaaaand, to be honest again, I'd really rather not have to call her today.  I need to, of course, but I'd rather not.  Because I still need to talk to her about the whole, well, situation going on with their founder, and I have no idea how to do that yet.  No idea what to ask or how to ask it.  Yet it would also feel strange if I called, talked to her, and didn't ask about it.  Easy solution would be if she just e-mailed me back and I didn't have to worry about it anymore...

Can you tell I'm not much of a phone person?  I hate talking on the phone.  I hate making phone calls.  I'd prefer talking face to face any day.  But even more I prefer e-mail.  I know, I know, lame.  But I express myself better via writing than I do in person or on the phone.  I had to call my s/d on his cell twice in the past week, and let me tell you, it killed me to do it!  I know, I'm ridiculous.  But still.

On a completely different note, my dad might be able to come home this afternoon.  They're going to take another set of x-rays later on today and if his lung is holding up, he'll get to come home!!  I hope he can!!

As it is, I need to clean up around the house and vacuum.  Ta-ta-for-now.

A JOB!!!!!!!!

Oh Heaven save me, I sure hope God knows what He's doing!!

I've officially been offered a job as the DRE of a parish across the river...  I'm quite speechless!!  I can't believe I managed to get the position...  these positions usually require much experience and usually a Masters degree as well!  Yet, here I am, with only a minor in Theology, my bachelor's, and no parish experience.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to manage!!  This is insane!!

I suppose this is the sign I've been looking for-- I'll be on West Coast for the next few years.

Oh man.  This is crazy.  I'm so AH I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

More coherent thoughts later.

Dad's still in the hospital.  The lung isn't healing the way it's supposed to...  there's still a lot of air in the chest cavity and fluid in the lung.

I'm scared.  So scared.  Not about this particular incident-- he's going to be fine.  Eventually.  But.  It's what's not being said that scares me so much.  His disease, a rare and dangerous form of arthritis, attacks organs in its third and final stage.  God, if this is the beginning of that...

The past two days have been particularly difficult for me.  I think the past week's events have finally caught up with me.

*sigh*

There's so much on my mind but I can't process it.