Camping at Mt. Hood!!

I've just returned from a five-day camping exhibition up on Mt. Hood.  The camping party included myself, my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, and the three kiddos.  The destination: Indian Henry Campground, located  on the Clackamas River.  It's a campground that we used to frequent fairly often when I was a child-- I've probably been there around 40 or 50 times between the ages of 4 and 12.  As it is, this was my first time back in nearly ten years!

The drive up the mountain had the excitement rushing through me; I felt like a kid again as I recognized the curves and the bends in the river!!  The campground itself is about 45 minutes outside of the nearest town-- a small one with only one stop light.  Slightly smaller than Emmitsburg, but cute.  As we pulled into Indian Henry my excitement rose!!  Memories flooded me as we passed different sites that we had camped at, time in and time out again.

We picked out a near perfect spot!  Nicely secluded from the rest of the camp ground and perfectly situated near the river and the creek.  It was spacious-- big enough for my brother's huge ten, our camper, and large space for the kids to play around (which came in handy, as the boys quickly made friends with two young kids from the next campsite over).

The boys and their friends spent many hours down at the creek.  Oh the hours I myself have spent at that same creek!!  Building dams in the water, my mom daring me to sit in the water (ice cold, definitely not swimming worthy!), jumping around rocks, trying to cross the creek without getting wet...  Ah, the memories!  It's a beautiful creek, the shades of green of the forest standing out against the clear, cold water. It leads down into the Clackamas, although it adds little to the already powerful river.

This isn't the best picture, hardly captures the surrounding forest nor the beautiful bridge that crosses the creek.  (All of these photos are courtesy of my father.)  You can see how those rocks can be construed to make little "dams" in the water, stopping the water into a nice, shin-deep pool.

Most of the week was spent in a very relaxing manner.  I did a lot of reading.  I brought along with me a book that my goddaughter sent me some time last week.  It's a novel about an older business woman, a widow, who leaves her quite successful career to enter the Benedictine Monastery of Brede-- it is simply a telling of her journey into the Benedictines, as well as an inside look of the community life.  It's a long book (appropriately titled In this House of Brede by Rummer Godden), but it's definitely decent.  The writer's style is somewhat unique, although I can't quite put my finger on it!  Has to do with her (his?) use of punctuation, I think.  Anyways, it's a decent novel.  Reads well, although there are times at which I have to admit getting slightly bored.  Usually I just take a break and I can come back to it alright.  Definitely some interesting insights about community life that gave me pause to think.  But more about that later.

Other camping activities included long walks on the trails (absolutely stunning forestry!), playing card games with my mom and sister-in-law, sitting around the camp-fire, napping...  My sister-in-law is very much a sanguine and I think she brings out the choleric in me.  Needless to say, our late-night games were a lot of fun!!

It was also so nice to be free from all technology.  No lap tops, no cell phones, no e-mails, no facebook, nothing.  What a wonderful respite!!  Even if I had wanted to bring any of those with me, we were so far up in the mountain that it would've been impossible to use them.  We even lacked a time-telling device.  We woke up when we woke up and went to bed when we went to bed, with no regard to time, save by simple guessing according to the positioning of the sun and nightfall.

Each morning and evening I was able to steal away to the river for about half an hour.  It was so peaceful.  I would go down by myself and sit on "my" rock with my breviary.  The view was so beautiful, especially at the times that I went down...  Literally took my breath away at times.  I'd pray Morning and Evening prayer in that spot, overlooking the river as flowed so viciously, bending around the corner and disappearing from sight.  I've never been a huge "finding God in nature" type of person... but then again, I was never really a "finding God" anywhere sort of person.  In all honesty, though, I felt the presence of God in a very unique way during these times of prayers.  Very peaceful.

On Sunday I managed to convince my parents to let me take the car down into town (remember, a good 45 minutes drive from site) to go to Mass.  I had looked the church up on masstimes.org and was hoping that the time (note: time, singular... they only offered one Mass) for Mass was accurate.  It turned out to be quite accurate.  The little parish was just that: little.  It had maybe 10 or 12 rows of pews.  It was an intriguing little church.  I was welcomed in by the pastor, who stood at the entrance greeting everyone as they arrived.  I must've clearly stood out as a visitor, since he asked me a few questions about who I was and where I was from.

The church itself was a mixture of modern and not so modern.  The tabernacle was off to the side and was barely distinguishable from an everyday box.  The lights were covered by plastic coverings imitating chandeliers.  The stained-glass windows were hoakey and the entire place was white washed.  Yet the crucifix was absolutely stunning!  Beautifully carved in wood, likely wood from the very mountain on which this little church stood.  There were also four or five beautiful icons all around the church, as well as a wonderful set of the Stations.

The community was a nice little community.  Very fervent.  There were maybe 40 folks at the Mass.  A few older couples and a few families and that was it.  I could only smile to myself when they began the opening hymn: All Are Welcome.  This small congregation sang louder and with more heart than I've heard in any parish.  Like I said, a very fervent and dedicated community.

Back in my day I may have stuck up my nose at a liturgy such as the one I attended.  Terrible music, liturgical abuses galore, the crusade of inclusive language...  Yet, I could not help but be touched by the fervor of this small little community.  Oh, they most certainly love God!!  I have more reflections about this little community but I'll save that for a later time.

On Sunday afternoon, the whole family went for a walk down the trails to Indian Henry Rock.  It's a pretty big rock, couple hundred feet tall, and it's created quite the swimming hole in the water.  A perfect swimming hole, actually.  Yet no one swims in it because the temperature of the water is far too cold for swimming!!  At least for any intelligible human being.  But my golden retriever, Vegas, on the other hand...

He loves to swim.  He's obsessed.  He swam for over an hour straight on Sunday (we eventually let him off the leash, when the other folk who were down at the river left).  One of his favorite things to do is chase rocks that we throw for him.  Quite funny, in that he'll even dive for the rocks we throw!  Dive with his eyes wide open and get the rocks and bring them back to us!!  Crazy dog.

Well, he was certainly tired after that exhibition.  He somehow managed to steal my bed that night, including my covers.  He jumped up there long before I came to bed and I couldn't get him off for the life of me.  (I don't think he even could move, even for the life of him!)  So I shared the bed with my dog... I had a small place to crawl into and very little covers... alas.

We left, grudgingly, on Monday afternoon.  It was such a nice, relaxing time with my family.  I really didn't want to leave.  But it was well worth being jobless that I might be able to experience this five-day trip!  Deo gratias!!

Further Disappointment

Ugh.  *insert groan here*

I'm not even sure what to think or feel right now, except that my heart feels like it's dropped into my stomach.  One of those ugh-I-just-wish-not-of-this-was-even-happening feelings.

I was finally able to talk with my spiritual director today.  We haven't talked in about a month and a half, which I suppose isn't too terribly long of an in-between, but there's been some major things going on.  Probably most important is the (forced?) resignation of the Founder of the SSVM's, "my" sisters.  Everything is so vague that it's difficult to really even understand what's going on...  Part of it seems like politics, but some of it doesn't.  Either way, it all seems rather serious.  It has the potential of turning into a Legionaries situation, although I hope and pray that it doesn't/isn't.

My s/d was quite worried about the whole situation.  He's advised not to make any 'decisions' one way or another, but to take a step back into some further and deeper discernment with the Order.  To ask some serious questions from the Order and discern from there.  To pay close attention not only to the answers I'm giving, but how they answer them...

And, well, to be completely honest, I'm a little nervous I won't get any real answers.  If I don't, I mean, I suppose that's quite telling.  But I'm nervous about it none the less.  I'm scared.  I love this Order and I really, really don't want the accusations to be true.  I really don't want to find myself in a situation where I can't enter with them.  Just the thought of somewhere else... after knowing this Order... I don't know.  I can't imagine it.  I can't think of it.

Oh man.  I mean, I know this is the right step... and better to find out now that this isn't a good place for me rather than later.  Doesn't make it feel any better, but it's the truth.  (Sadly, as my s/d mentioned, he's in the same position right now with having to withdraw from the SHU presidential search... better for him to do it now rather than get into something that would've been bad for him... still sucks.  He was excited about it.  But it's not God's will.)

And, who knows, things might be alright.  I really hope so.  I really, really do.  But I just don't know yet.  I need to call M. Lumen and... ask questions, I guess?  I don't even know what to ask.  Well, I guess I have a full month to think about it and pray about it.  She'll be gone at the General Chapter for July...

Well, lots to pray about.  Most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself that this is yet another opportunity for growing in love for God's will, abandoning myself to it, and focusing on Jesus.  I have a full month before... anything, really.  A full month to pray about everything and particularly, to listen.  A full month of little action and a lot of listening.

I don't know what's next for me.  But, as Fr. Tim says, "Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."  Praise God for the opportunity to deny my will and embrace the Cross.

Nephews and Niece

These are my three little ones.  Korey on the left, Kylie-Jo in the center, and Konner on the right.  Rambunctious children, but so gosh darn cute.  5yrs, 1 1/2yrs, and 3yrs, respectively.  I've been watching them for the past few days, since they'll be heading to Ohio for a month to visit my sister-in-law's family.

Korey, he's an all around good kid.  Typical 5-year-old.  Loves movies.  And I mean, loves to watch movies.  Can quote and remember pretty much every movie he watches.  He looks much older in this picture.  He's quite the reader-- reading anything and everything he can see.  Loves chocolate milk.  Loves to hang out with his Aunt Kayla.  This week he's been clinging to me like crazy.  I took him up to bed last night, said goodnight, and he looked at me in dismay, saying, "Well, I need a kiss goodnight!"  So I tucked him in, gave him a kiss, and he said, "Goodnight Aunt Kayla, I love you!"  Love you too, bud.  Even when you puke all over and I'm the one to clean it up.

Konner.  Very passionate.  Stuck in the middle, I think.  He's not sure what his place is-- whether he's supposed to be like his older brother or if he's still a baby, like his younger sister.  So, there can be lots of tantrums and fake crying.  But he's a good kid, he really is.  Looks up to his older brother.  Loves our golden retriever and is definitely a grandpa's boy.  He likes to cuddle a lot, to be held.  When I hold him, he puts his head flat against my shoulder... Makes me melt.  He can't pronounce the letters "k" or "c", so everything comes out with a "t" sound.  "Torey, aunt Taya, Tyie."  And he does this spitting noise at the end of his words, although how exactly, I'm not sure!  And when he's trying to explain something to you, he looks up to the ceiling.  Way too cute.

And little Kylie-Jo.  Far too cute for her own good!  Can get away with pretty much everything with that sly little grin.  Usually a grandma's girl, but has been warming up to me and Grandpa.  In fact, she wouldn't let me put her down all day today.  Likes to get into everything.  Loves to dance and sing.  She just learned how to give kisses and tonight she went around to everyone giving kisses before bed.  The night before last she took her diaper off in the middle of the night.  Oh the mess that ensued in the morning!  Aunt Kayla is getting quite the set of lessons in motherhood.

These three little ones have completely captured my heart.  I love them so much.  I can't even count the times in a day that they make my heart melt.  Of course, I think they give my blood pressure quite the work-out, as well!

I've got two more days with them by myself, then we all go camping for a few days.  Then they'll be gone for a month and hopefully I'll make some progress with the job hunt.

Well, I should head to bed.  Gotta get sleep while I can, since these three seem to like getting up at ungodly hours in the morning!

Trying not to be disappointed...

I'm attempting to keep things perspective and to remember that blasted promise of St. Paul (Romans 8:28, All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.)

My final, potential donor, has fallen through.  Which means it's quite unlikely I'll be entering any time soon... and part of me wants to add, if ever.

$50,000 is a lot of money.  Trying to pay it all off while also taking care of living expenses... Might take half my life.  Also a bit difficult, considering I can't manage to find work.

Times like these my heart sinks to my stomach.  Faced with this sort of opposition, I can hardly fathom how things will work out.  And it makes me question if I even have a vocation to the religious life...

Then there's that small voice in me that questions God's work in all of this.  A part of me that just wants to give up, go to grad school, get married, have beautiful children... Just say, "Hey God, I gave You a chance but apparently things didn't work out."

Too bad love doesn't work that way.  Love doesn't let you turn your back, not unless you want to do damage to your own being.

Alright Jesus, I trust in You.  I really have no idea how all of this is going to work out, but I trust in You.


Lead, Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home --
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene, -- one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that Thou
Should'st lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will: remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on,
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone;
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.


-The Pillar of the Cloud by John Henry Newman

Spiritual Direction!

Woot!!  Spiritual direction on Wednesday of next week.  Never had a meeting over the phone before... but that's perfectly alright with me.  I'm in desperate need.  I haven't been able to find a new director out West, so I'm just pleased that my old (current?) director is willing to chat via phone until I can.  Not to mention, just the thought of starting all over right now is a dreadful one.  Maybe it's easier than I think, but...  Well, let's just say I'm pleased.

And actually, if I end up moving back East at the end of the summer, there's a chance I could stay with my current (old? haha) director until I enter, since he didn't take the Seton job (which was due to Seton pulling him around like crazy...  the campus was split about taking him, and the staff was dead against it and apparently had voted to open the search, which meant things would be put on hold for him until they found a second candidate to run him against... ridiculous.  The process was too long as it was already.)

On a side note, I've decided to resurrect an old blog of mine called Philosophical Musings.  It has some older stuff on there, none of it is worth reading, so I wouldn't bother.  And most of what I plan on writing in their probably isn't worth reading, either.  But if you're interested, it'll be more oriented toward my philosophical and theological... well, musings.  Mostly going through what I'm studying over the summer and hitting some topics that I enjoy thinking about.  I can't promise that anything'll be coherent, but it's there.  I need to make sure I keep writing (more than these pathetic little blog entries).  Gotta make sure I keep up somesort of semi-academic writing.

Toodles.

Obediential potency

Below is the second reading from today's Office, a homily by St. Gregory of Nyssa titled "The Hope of Seeing God."  I'm not usually very good at doing the Office of Readings... for whatever reason I just never get around to it.  I'm fairly good at keeping the other major hours, but even those slip away from me at times.  Clearly I'm not bound to pray the liturgy of the hours, but I do enjoy the prayer and try to keep it as well as I can.

Anyways, I happened to not sleep much at all last night.  I went to bed around 1:30am, woke up around 4am, and then laid in bed for an hour.  Finding myself rather wide-awake, I decided to get up and start my day.  Coffee, a pop-tart, and reading Archbishop Chaput's address on the relationship between evangelization and liturgy (which, is excellent, by the way... I might comment on it later).  Then I decided that I should actually start my day with prayer, rather than this blasted thing called the internet.  So I grabbed my brievary and began the invitiatory.

But it was today's second reading that really caught my attention.  It's theme something that has been the object of my study for the past two weeks (and really, a topic that I've dabbled in for the past semester, but haven't had the chance to really dig into until now): obediential potency and the relationship between grace and nature.  Of course, I've been studying this within the scope of Thomistic theology, but we find in today's reading a great insight into the issue by Gregory of Nyssa.

St. Gregory correctly identifies something of the paradox of the Christian life: We are promised (or called to)  by Jesus the Beatific vision-- to see God face to face, to enjoy and possess (and be possessed fully by) our Creator.  The means of achieving this end?  Purity of heart, so says Jesus in the Beatitudes.  What exactly that means is a topic for another day (albeit a very interesting and edifying one).  The paradox of this, of course, is that purity of heart seems to be something which we are not capable of by our own power.  How then can we attain to the Beatific vision if that which is required is impossible for us to achieve?  Clearly this cannot be the totality of the picture, since, as Thomas teaches, no natural desire is in vain (ST I, q. 75, a. 6).  It would be unjust, for as St. Gregory states, "The law of each creature’s being does not demand that it should do something that it is beyond its own nature to do."

The translation below is different than the one in the brievary, which says, "If then in the case of all other creatures the command is according to the capacity of those who receive it, and does not oblige them to anything beyond their nature, we shall come to the conclusion that we are not to give up hope of gaining what is promised by the beatitude."  I like this particular translation because of the phrase "according to the capacity of those who receive it."

Thomas expounds upon this theological point by noting that while human nature has a natural desire for God (ST. I-II, q. 3, a. 8), it is a desire for God as first cause, which is different than the supernatural desire for God, which is for God in His essence, ie the beatific vision.  That is to say that man does not have a natural desire for God in His revealed Being, Holy Trinity, which is why it is impossible of our own power to achieve the purity of heart necessary for attaining the beatific vision.  However, as Thomas teaches, human nature has a purely obediential potency for grace, which elevates human nature and orders man to a supernatural end in the vision of God.  That is, as St. Gregory himself says, human nature has the "the capacity to receive" the command of God to the beatific vision.  And as Thomas teaches, only grace can direct the movement of the will toward beatitude (ST. I, q. 62, a. 2).

Main point?  Of our own powers, we are incapable of "grasping at equality with God"-- we cannot, through our own efforts and powers, attain the beatific vision promised by Jesus Christ.  However, with the grace of God, we are given what is needed to fulfill the "upward call" of Christ.  We are raised by Jesus to a new life in Him, that has its final end in Him.  It is through His grace that we shall achieve purity of heart and therefore be granted the blessed vision of God!!

Homily of St. Gregory of Nyssa: Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God. God’s promise is so great that it passes the furthest limits of happiness. Given such a blessing, who could desire more, having already received all things by the fact of seeing God? Remember that in Scriptural usage ‘seeing’ means ‘having.’ May you see the good things of Jerusalem means ‘may you find them.’ Let the ungodly be taken away and not see the glory of the Lord means, in the prophet’s words, ‘not share in the glory of the Lord.’

  So whoever ‘sees God’ receives, in this act of seeing, possession of everything that is good: incorruptible life without end, blessedness that cannot fail, a kingdom without end, happiness without limit, true light, the true voice of the Spirit, glory never before reached, perpetual rejoicing, and all else that is good.

  The promise of this Beatitude gives us the right to hope for these great things. All this sight of God is conditional on having a pure heart – and thinking of this, my mind is once more teetering on a dizzy peak. What if purity of heart is one of those unattainable things that are simply beyond our human nature? If, on the one hand, it is by purity of heart that God can be seen, and if, on the other hand, Moses and Paul did not see God and said that he could never be seen, it follows logically that purity of heart must be impossible, so that in pronouncing this Beatitude, the Word is putting forward something that simply cannot be.

  How can we benefit from knowing the means by which God can be seen, if that means is impossible for us?

  Suppose, for instance, that someone told us it was good to find oneself in heaven because there one would see things that cannot be seen in this world. Now if he also told us how a journey to heaven might be undertaken, there might be some use in telling us about its delights. But as long as the journey is impossible, what use is it to think about the happiness that might lie at the end of it? We would simply suffer and be sad at the thought of the things that await us somewhere where we cannot go.

  Does the Lord really encourage us to do something that is beyond our nature and our powers to accomplish? Surely not. Look at the birds: God has not created them without wings. Look at sea creatures: God has not designed them as land animals. Wherever we look, the law of each creature’s being does not demand that it should do something that it is beyond its own nature to do.

  Let us reflect on this and realise that we should not despair of the purity of heart that the Beatitude speaks of. John, Paul and Moses did not, in the end, lack the sublime blessing of seeing God. Paul said There is laid up for me a crown of justice, which the Lord, the just judge, will render to me; John lay on Jesus’ breast; and Moses heard God say to him, I have known you above all. It is certain that those who said that the contemplation of God was beyond human power were themselves blessed. But blessedness comes from the contemplation of God, and seeing God is something that comes to those who are pure of heart. It follows logically that purity of heart cannot be an unattainable thing.

  So if some, with Paul, truly say that the contemplation of God is beyond human power, yet the Lord himself contradicts them by promising the sight of God to those who are pure of heart.

Starting a business?

So.  My dad is something of a good photographer.  By good, I mean, really good.  Not over-the-top excellent, but definitely good enough to be a professional photographer.  He has all of the professional equipment (to my mother’s dismay… he’s been purchasing and upgrading for the past five years).  He’s done a few gigs on the side— three weddings, some senior photos, etc.

My dad’s been thinking about starting a business for the past year or so.  He hates his current job.  And he knows he’s good enough to do it.  And he has all of the equipment, all of pre-reqs.

He brought it up to me tonight.  Ya know, going in together.  

It’s something to think about.  Something to pray about.  It would take a lot of effort.  I didn’t exactly major in business.  Haha.  But I think it’s doable.  Heck, we could be up and running by next month, if we really wanted to.  Of course, we’d start off slow— Dad would keep his job until the business shows enough prospect of becoming a full-time shin-dig.

Of course…  Well, I’m not really in this for the long-run, am I?  Once I pay off my loans, I’d head out.  Not that I mind letting my dad know that I’m not in it for the long run… but he doesn’t know about my loan situation and he can’t find out about it.

Minor complications.  Something like this probably won’t completely take-off as a full-time thing for a few years.  By that time I hope to be in the convent.  But I could help start the part-time business.  Make some money with it.  I mean, to be honest, it’s not like I’ve got much going on in my life right now anyways.  And if I do manage to find a real job soon, I can still work on this part-time.

First glance, there doesn’t seem to be anything ‘negative’ about the project.  I know my dad’s really been wanting to do this, but he can’t get it up and started on his own.  He needs help.  So even I just help it start up and am gone by the time it really takes off… well, he’ll be doing something he loves.  And that’s worth it alone.

Dad has me working on drawing up a business plan right now.  o_O

I still need to pray about it.  But there doesn’t seem to be any major ‘negative’ factors with all of this.  At least not with dabbling into it.  Most likely it would start out something pretty small.  Doing some weddings, senior portraits, some sporting events.  Types of events that can be done in congruence with real jobs.  If anything, it's a couple hundred bucks a pop on the side of a steady (or in my case, non-existant) income. 

On a completely different note: I went to my parish's summer RCIA class tonight (they have one once a month during the summer).  The topic was St. Louis de Montfort's Total Consecration to Mary, so of course I was quite pleased.  :-)  Got to talk with the director for a while afterwards-- he taught my RCIA class three years ago.  We had a good conversation.  If I'm still around in the Fall, he wants to let me teach a few lessons!  I'm really excited about it!  He's also going to keep an eye out in his circle of friends for any jobs.  He made a good point to me when we were talking... at this point, in this economy, the only real stable way of getting a good job is through personal connections.  There are only a few jobs out there, and they're going to people who know people.  Just the way it is right now.

Surprisingly, I'm rather at peace right now.  Wish God would be a little more clear in shedding light on the steps between here and the convent-- or at least just simply the next step, haha.  But ya know, God's timing.  In a way, He has revealed the next step.  Right now it's spending time with my family.  Lots of time with them.  (By the way, past few nights have been great!!  Sipping cocktails and playing card games with my mom in a light summer breeze out on the back porch... love it!)  When it's time to get to serious work, God'll show me.  And I'll jump up and put my very best effort into it!!  Just say the word, Lord, and I'll be ready!