Sick

Since I already know I can't write coherently...  I declare a disjointed post.

"Why are you looking for love,
Why are you still searching, 
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go, child?
Tell Me, where will you run?
To where will you run?"


I heard this song last night for the first time in quite a few months and this particular verse hit me pretty hard.  There's a moment, I think, in every discerner's life when they finally "say yes."  For many, there's a long time spent when they don't say no...  and that is quite a step itself.  But there comes a point when one actually has to say "yes" to this calling they've perceived.

That point came for me a few weeks into Fall semester.  I was spending another one of those nights in the chapel, asking Our Lord for guidance, for clarity...  And I quite clearly perceived Him saying to me, "Where else would you go?  To whom else would you go?"  And that was it.  But it was pretty darn clear.  If I did not follow Him, give my heart to Him, where would I go?  Who else would I give it to?  Jesus did a sort of process of elimination for me...

Well, now I've been given that opportunity.  Everything is in a line.  A simple phone call and my life begins in a completely different direction, one toward Our Lord.  Yet here I am, hesitating.  Not for any real reason, I don't think.  Just that I recognize exactly how... monumental?... this action is.  (Forgive me for being over-dramatic, I tend to do that every once in a while.)  The moment I dial that number and begin this process...  everything changes.  And really, it marks a point from which things will turn very difficult.  It marks the point of truly turning away from the world.  It's a radical decision.  And I'm scared.

But once again, those words hit me last night...  and I know there's no where else I would go.  I have no where else to run to.

I'm sick.  And it's not much fun right now.  My head is congested, my left eye won't stop watering, I keep coughing and sneezing and there's no end to blowing my nose.  Plus I just feel yucky.  Light headed, weak, can't think very well...  Worse time for this to happen, too.  Midterm week.  And today was the Rite of Election that I couldn't go to.

Oye vey.  That's something else.  I'm sponsoring a catechumen into the Church.  She's a freshman, a little immature (like most freshman), but overall a good kid.  Well, I got an e-mail from her parents yesterday, expressing concern about her converting.  She doesn't know they've contacted me.  And it was quite the e-mail.  I'm not entirely sure how to respond as of yet.

I'm emotionally drained by my friends.  As my s/d said, I'm far above my pay grade with them right now.  I'm entangled in a mess of eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, and other such mental problems.  I'm the go-to friend for two of these friends, and no one else on campus knows of their situation.  Or I should say, no other students know of their situation.  My s/d happens to also see one of these girls...  which has made it sometimes a bit awkward to talk about, but he's very good at the compartmentalizing.  It's also nice to know that he also knows the severity of what it means being the only friend to this person.

It's hard, because I love these two young women so much.  It can just be a lot to handle sometimes.

Ugh...  this cold makes me want to cut off my head.

I was planning on calling this evening...  but I can't even seem to speak normally, so it doesn't look like that'll be happening.  I guess Tuesday?  I really didn't want to wait that long.  But oh well.  Not sure what else I can do at this point.

I wish I were going home for Spring break.  I'm going home with a friend, but I'm not really looking forward to it.  I kind of need some space from my friends and usually Spring break is a good time for that.  I'd love to go stay with the Sisters... haha.  But that won't be happening either.

Hm.  Time for some more medicine and another nap.