The Good of Knowledge

I'm not entirely what state of mind I'm in right now.

I just got back from a thrilling Honors dinner and discussion at the house of the President of my university.  Every once in a while, the honors program hosts these sorts of get-togethers which bring in about 25 members of the faculty and students combined.  It's always an enjoyable time.  We usually read some work or another, then discuss.

These sorts of settings always renew my desire for the academic life and the world of academia.  There's just something that's so very... enthralling about the intellectual life.  I enjoy it immensely.

Yet, I am always keenly aware of the pride that so easily seeps in when I attend these sorts of venues.  I very much enjoy the approving nods of well-respected professor's when I speak.  I enjoy the company of those "higher-up."  I enjoy the compliments.

I mean, I thoroughly enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge.  Don't get me wrong.  And I think that I honestly enjoy both for their own sake.  But there is always that part of me, once I begin participating in such goods, that notices the other things that sometimes accompany them.  Such as the attention, the compliments, etc.

I know that this sounds awfully prideful of me, even right now.

I just find it tough.  Because I always begin these sorts of activities with the purest of intentions.  And then, once I receive some sort of affirmation, it pleases my pride, and then I can no longer discern for which end I'm actually participating in the activity.

I guess it's just the case that I enjoy it both for its own sake and for the "benefits" (for lack of a better word), the pleasures it offers me.  And I feel guilty about the latter and I don't know how to avoid it, other than not participating at all.

After nights like tonight, I'm tempted to enter the world of academia...  I just love it so much.  Again, for two different reasons, really.  But I do love it.  And I would absolutely love to go on for further studies, to get my Masters/Doctorate in Philosophy or Theology.  To come back and teach at a university and enjoy the academic life.

But I suppose I can recognize the selfishness in it.  Because, again, I do enjoy the affirmation and attention that comes along with it.  I also simply enjoy the thrill of an intellectual conversation.  It's exhilarating.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this.  Sometimes I just wish I could be cleansed of these faults, so that I could just enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge without these negative side effects.