P&W and Testimony

Last night we had a "Night of Praise and Worship," utilizing the student/seminarian band that would have played at Mount 2000.  The first half an hour was praise and worship, then the last hour was adoration (with a small procession and some more P&W).

In between the two I gave my testimony.  It was only a crowd of 80 or so (much smaller than 1,600!), but I was nervous beforehand nonetheless.

It went well...  the moment I started speaking, I literally felt the Holy Spirit.  I was completely at peace and really, it felt as though He was speaking through me.  I've experienced this a few times-  where afterwards I'm not even entirely sure what I actually said.  It's a beautiful experience.  And it just felt so natural.

This might seem strange, but I've always had some sort of inkling that God wants to use me to proclaim His glory.  In a concrete sense, like I did last night, sharing how He has worked in my life.  I don't know.  It really is such a strange sensation when I share my story, because I can see the Holy Spirit working, not only through me, but also in those to whom I speaking.  They say that sometimes you never know whose hearts you've touched.  That's true.  But when I'm speaking, sometimes I can see the Holy Spirit moving hearts and its so beautiful.

Afterwards many people came to thank me, to speak with me...  I wasn't really prepared for that.  And all I could do was repeat with Our Blessed Mother "The Almighty has done great things for me..."

When we were training for our testimonies, the Deacon warned us that whenever you speak in front of crowd of people in this sort of context, there is the danger of becoming a sort of "iconic" figure.  But that all costs we must remember that it's not about us... it's about God.  All about God.  And that's so true.  Besides, who could possibly take credit for anything?  God is the Author of all the things that we share about anyways.  It's all for His Glory.

On a slightly different note...

I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.  I know that my s/d advised a month to all of Lent to continue praying about this stage of my discernment...  but I don't think I can wait any longer!  I meet with him again on Tuesday, which will be three weeks from the last time we met.  So not quite a month.  I don't know what he's going to say.  But...  I just want to be there now!!  How can I possibly wait any longer to apply?!

I suppose, once again, it is simply a time to grow in trust and in humility.  If I'm honest with myself, there's part of me that just wants to know for sure what I'm doing after graduation.  For practical reasons too-- will I be going on senior week after graduation?  Am I purchasing tickets to go home right after graduation?  Am I going to any of my friends' ordinations?  Should I be trying to find a job?  And not to mention, I'd be able to give a slightly more concrete answer to those folks who keep asking that dreaded question: What are you doing after graduation?  There's just something nice about knowing...  then I could relax some more and focus on my last semester and my studies and what have you.

Actually, in this whole process, I feel as though it's just been one big lesson in trust.  There's still part of me that questions, "Really, God?  This is where You want me?"  Yet, despite that, I still have this strange, underlying confidence that this really is where He wants me.  And even though, at some levels, it doesn't make sense...  in many ways, it does.  And it's comforting to look back and see very clearly how God has been moving my discernment.

Oy vey.  I guess in some ways I would just like to see some progress.  It's frustrating, sometimes, to know so clearly what you see as God's plan...  and not be able to go forward.  But.  Again.  Trust.  And humility.  And really, obedience, too.  All very good things.  And besides, God's will be done, not mine.  If I'm supposed to wait longer...  I won't like it...  but I'll do it.