Oy vey.

Whew.  Things are flying by nowadays!!  So much is going on that I barely have the time to breathe.

I give my honors presentation tomorrow at 3pm.  It's a 25 minute presentation with a 5 minute question/answer period following.  I think I'm ready.  Preparing this presentation was absolutely terrible-- trying to cut a 30 page paper to 12 pages is perhaps the hardest academic excercise of my life.  But I'm happy with what I have and I think it will be good.  I'm nervous, though, because the entire philosophy department is going to present.

In other news, I got called into the VP for University Advancement's office the other day...  Another one of the "big shots" on campus.  Apparently my situation was announced to the President's Cabinent on Monday morning...  so things are pretty public now.  But the VP wants to help me with some fundraising as well, making contacts, what have you.  So I'm writing something up for him too.  God only knows!!

Graduation approaches very quickly.  I'm somewhat in denial.  Or, as I prefer to see it, I'm too busy to be bothered by it.

My moral paper is due tomorrow...  I need to retype that up since I only have the hard copy from my rough draft.  I probably won't make any edits to it.  Which should be fine, he already said I had an A on it.

I have another 12 page paper due on Friday, but I got an extension for next Wednesday.  Gotta finish my honors paper and write another big paper for my econ class.  Then I'm pretty much in the clear.

One more week of classes.  Then finals.

Oy vey.

Is this real life?

Sometimes I wonder if this is really my life...

I) I just sent out the most important letter of my life-- proof read by my s/d and the President of my University, basically begging for more money than it would cost to buy an affordable car.  I don't think I've ever even begged for more than $10 before...  and that even would get me red in the face!

^I don't know what's going to happen with all of that, though.  The lady is super rich and likes to help with these types of causes... and she's expecting my letter, since Mr. President made a phone call on my behalf.  I'm assuming she also knows my s/d, since he said that he knew who she was.  And he's pretty well known in those types of circles.  I also "name-dropped" with him in my letter, since he's always telling me to do that.  Let's just hope that she likes him...  But, God's will be done with this...  I have no expectations and am rather indifferent.  God's will be done.  If He wants her to help me out so I can enter this summer... let it be done... if not, I'm prepared to work as gosh-darn hard as I can to get there.

II) I just got a phone call from Sr. Joy, asking when my graduation is so that she and a couple other sisters could attend!!  Seriously?!  Who gets random phone calls so nuns can come to their graduation?!  Who?!

^Although, to be honest, I'm really excited about this.  I have "special tickets" since I work in the Office of the President, which means that my family (and whomever else I give tickets to) get special seating.  If a few sisters do get to come, then I can introduce them to my family and my parents can get their first real exposure to nuns.  And I honestly cannot think of anyone better than Sr. Joy (and probably Blessed Sacrament along with her) for my parents to meet.

III) I'm going to a pro-life Gala tomorrow night with tickets bought by seminarians...  And to get there, we (my best friend and I) are borrowing one of their cars.

--------------

Well, on a completely different note...

I have so much work to do and so little motivation to do it all.  Gah.  You know, I actually hadn't been hit by senioritis until my computer crashed... now I'm feeling it big time.

I wish I were a better student.  I really do.  I look at my GPA, which is overall fairly good, and I'm just disappointed.  I should have a 4.0 and laziness is the only reason why I don't.

I just had a conversation with one of my professors, who expressed a mixture of happiness and disappointment at hearing my plans to enter religious life.  She's of course happy for me, but at the same time she said that she always pictured me defending the Church as an academic.  And truth be told...  I'd love to be doing that.  I really would.

Hmm...

You know, it's funny, how at peace I am right now, considering how little I know about how my future is going to work out.  But.. well, like the title of this blog... I just want to be the cause of Jesus' joy and I can do that best taking pleasure in whatever His will is for me.  So if it's not knowing exactly what's going on... so be it.  And if it's entering this summer... so be it.  And if it's waiting and working... so be it.

If it's having a lot of make-up work to do because my gosh darn computer crashed and I wasn't smart enough to back up all of my work because I'm absolutely and totally technologically challenged...  so be it.  I can rejoice because it's His will.

"Thank you, Jesus....

"Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way."  Or, in other words, I rejoice in having a share in Your sufferings; to take up my cross and follow You.

My computer crashed this morning.  And I lost everything.  And by that I mean everything.  All of my papers. All of my documents.  All of my pictures.  All of my music.  Everything.  And of course, I didn't have anything backed up, because I'm not technologically savvy and I have no idea how one is supposed to do that.  Now I do.

Of things lost include my Honors project.  Thanks be to God I still have a draft as of three weeks ago that I sent to myself via e-mail.  So at least I have something to work with.  But I lost all of my sources, my quotes, my outlines, my notes...  basically everything else.

I also had a terrible conversation with my mom today.  Apparently she went ahead told my entire extended family (who are, by the why, anti-religion and even more so anti-Catholic) about my plans, without my permission.  Their response was less than great.  My uncles were angry-- both at me and at my parents.  "Why did you let her go to a Catholic school and get brainwashed?"  

Then I had another round of "tough conversation" about all of it with my mom.  She just can't understand why I can't "do nun stuff without being a nun."  She can't understand... no matter what I say...  and I don't know what to do anymore.  The conversation ended roughly and it just wasn't very good.

It's all in God's hands.  There's little I can do, except pray all the harder.

In the realm of good news, however...  I am writing a letter to a possible donor (who, from the conversation the president had with her, is going to give at least something)!  I don't how this is going to play out...  but again, God's will be done!!

You know, when I first realized earlier this week that it might be a very real possibility that I could enter this summer...  I was pretty terrified.  I mean, excited; but also very terrified.  In the back of my mind I've been rather defeatist about my debt situation, so I've basically thought that there'd be slim to no chance of me actually entering for at least a year, more than likely a few years.  Which, although I want this, was comforting to me.  Because it meant things were still in the future and I could still talk with my parents as though things were "in the future."

As it stands now...  things might be quite a bit more real quite a bit sooner than I expected!  And it truly does terrify me...  I mean, I know this is what I'm called to do... but actually doing it scares the living daylights out of me.  I don't want to say that I'm getting "cold feet" but I am getting that nervous sort of "ahhh-am-I-really-sure-about-this" feeling.

Yet, at the same time, I have a sort of "Kantian" sense of duty about it...  I know that this is what I'm supposed to do and despite the array of feelings and emotions and fears...  I know I'm supposed to press forward.

Well.  Everything's in God's hands right now.  I honestly don't know what I want or even have the slimmest idea of what's best for me right now-- which, I suppose, in some ways, makes it all the easier to abandon it completely to Him.  And even though today pretty much failed, overall...  I can still rejoice, because it was all within God's Divine Providence.  I can still be the cause of the Lord's joy in these circumstances...  all that I must do is continuously abandon myself to His will.  

God is good!!

God is so, so good!!  Although, sometimes I think He's a bit like some of my softball coaches over the years.  I think sometimes He tries us until we are absolutely at our breaking point, then He swoops down and saves us from despair.  That's definitely been my experience these past few weeks...

Lemme tell you it's been ridiculously difficult for me to ignore all of the negative thoughts and worries about contact with M.  It's been ridiculously difficult for me to abandon it all to God's great Providence, especially as graduation has drawn closer and closer.  I mean, I think I mostly did a good job of it, considering my great proneness to excessive worry.

Last night was the culmination of it all.  I tried once more, under obedience to do so by my spiritual director (can't believe he pulled that card... but I think he could sense my enormous hesitancy and fear of being annoying/pushy/etc), to contact M.  And once again, nothing.  Which threw me into some sort of crazy mood.  I was so upset and so frustrated.  And all of it transformed into doubts about my vocation, about my own beliefs... everything.  I'm not sure any of it really followed logically, but you know how it goes sometimes...  It was all I could do to force myself to go to Mass at 10pm (I hadn't been earlier in the day), although everything in me said "Forget it."  But I recognized the emotions and temptations from my times of terrible temptation against faith during my freshman and sophomore year... and I knew that of all things, it was imperative that I choose against them and go to Mass.  Otherwise, falling to them even once in the beginning, creates an even more difficult challenge for overcoming them.

And the entire time at Mass I really just didn't want to be there.  It was just a bad night overall.

But, God is good.  I decided that I would try one more time.  And hey, M. answered the phone!!!  I was so nervous beforehand (I always get that away about these types of situations).  But of course she put me at ease almost immediately.  "Oh Kayla!  I'm so glad you called!"  was the first thing she said to me.  I love her!

So-- good news!!  Looks as though either in June or in September (depends on what M. Mercy has to say), I'll be moving into the guest house at the Novitiate house, and finding a job somewhere in the area.  Then just working as hard as I can until my debt is taken care of and I can transition into postulancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man!!  I can hardly believe... I mean...  this makes these pretty darn official...  and by that I mean pretty real...  and that terrifies me...  and excites me...  but really terrifies me.  So many things going through my mind!!

On other related and also good news...  I have a meeting with the President of my University on Monday morning to discuss my situation...  and I get to do my first round of begging and asking for advice.  If things go well, things might go really well for me...  And at the very least, I'll have his prayers.  Which also good.  So.  We'll see...  please, please pray.  Of course I have my own hopes for the meeting, but... God's will be done.

Ah, God is so good to me.  I don't deserve any of this!!

Stuff to do and worried

A lot going on and a lot due in the next few weeks... but I think it's doable:

4/14 AMC Final Paper Due (10pg)

4/13 Body & Soul response paper (2pg)

4/15 Body & Soul response paper (2pg)

4/16 CCP Test

4/19 CCP Thesis Proposal Due

4/22 Moral Final Paper Due (12pg)

4/29 Moral Kant Paper Due (3pg)

4/29 Honors Presentation 3pm

4/30 CCP Paper Due (12pg)

5/3 Honors Thesis Due (25+pg)

5/14 Econ Paper Due (15pg)

4/12/10- Monday

*Honors thesis (1hr ½)

*AMC Paper

*Body & Soul response paper

*CCP Thesis Proposal

4/13/10- Tuesday

*AMC Paper

*CCP Thesis Proposal

Softball Game @ 5:30PM

*CCP Reflection Paper

*Honors thesis/presentation

4/14/10- Wednesday

*Body & Soul response paper

*Honors thesis/presentation

4/15/10- Thursday

*Study for CCP Test

*Talk w/JJ about CCP Thesis Proposal

*Honors thesis/presentation

4/16/10- Friday

*CCP Paper

Wine Tasting @ 4PM

4/17/10- Saturday

*CCP Paper

*Honors thesis/presentation

4/18/10- Sunday

*Moral Paper

*Honors thesis-presentation/CCP

 Needless to say, there's plenty to keep me busy and keep my mind of off things...  Although, to be completely honest...  I'm having a hard time with that lately.

I've been doing my best with the whole "abandonment to God" idea, especially concerning my vocation and things to happen after graduation.  And to be honest, I am quite abandoned to God's will for me right now.  There's a reason He has me hanging out here without much to go off of.  Which is fine-- so long as it is God's will.  My fear, of course, is that I'm missing the ball on something.

I attempted to call... but, as I know from outside sources (thanks!), M. was out of town.  So, I sent an e-mail, with hopes that maybe she'd be able to see it/respond quicker than I'd get a phone call back.  That was about a week ago.  It's been five weeks since our last actual correspondence (I've been waiting to hear back from that correspondence in the first place).

I can't imagine that they're not aware I'm waiting back for something.  Nor do I really want to be overly pushy.  But...  five weeks!!!! I have five weeks until graduation!!!!  I feel like I should be doing something.  Like, applying for a job (on whichever coast they want me on).  And using the contacts that I have right now (which are a lot) before I don't have as great of opportunity (which I won't after graduation).

And I can't help but be scared that maybe things aren't where I thought they were.  But I can't know that either until they contact me.

So, I really don't know what to do right now.  It's kind of hard to make decisions about the immediate future without any consideration for the long-term future.

*le sigh*

But, God's will be done.  In His timing, not mine.

RCIA Retreat and Tomorrow Night

Just got back from our RCIA retreat.  Tomorrow night is the big night for our kids!  There's been some drama with all of it...  but I think we're set and ready to go.  We have the practice tomorrow afternoon, dinner with the Bishop, and then the Mass!!  I can't wait-- I'm so excited!!  I'm sponsoring our only catechumen and then we have four others being confirmed-- two professing faith and the other two were already Catholics.

Here's the talk I gave at the retreat:

+JMJ+
            Over the past eight months we have gathered together weekly to explore the great mysteries of the Church—what She teaches and most importantly, Who She teaches.  We have discussed the Creed and what it means to believe in God the Father, His only Son Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the Communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, and the Resurrection of the body.  Tomorrow night, all of you will profess your faith in this Creed before the Mount Community.  We have discussed the Celebration of the Christian Mysteries and what it means to participate in the sacramental economy of the Church as established by Christ.  Tomorrow night, all of you will receive some or all of the Sacraments of Initiation: Baptism, Confirmation, and First Holy Communion.  We have discussed Life in Christ and what it means to be made in the image and likeness of God, called to communion with Him and fuller communion with our brothers and sisters.  Tomorrow night, all of you will enter into full communion with the Holy Catholic Church, some receiving adoption as a son or daughter of God the Father through baptism, and all entering into a more complete life in Christ as fully initiated Catholics.  And lastly, we have discussed Christian Prayer and what it means to enter into a meaningful relationship with God, nourished by the time we spend with Him.  Tomorrow night, all of you will be called into a deeper communion with God and will be challenged to strengthen your prayer life as new Catholics so that you may be bright witnesses to the world of the eternal life given to you in Jesus Christ.

            In the Church there is a period of time traditionally observed called mystagogy, which lasts from the initiation of new Catholics during the Easter Vigil until the celebration of Pentecost.  Historically, mystagogy was a time for the newly baptized, now called neophytes, to gather together to unpack the mystery of the sacraments they had just received and celebrated.  For in the Early Church, the sacraments were not known or accessible to pagans—only to Christians.  Thus, even those who were to be initiated into the Church would not have had an understanding or knowledge of these sacraments until after they had experienced them.  And so, after having received first hand the mysteries, the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and Holy Eucharist, it was necessary that they be instructed on the meaning behind what they had celebrated.

            Today, of course, we have all been instructed beforehand about the sacraments: such catechesis has been the focal point of RCIA. 

            We know, for example, that in baptism we are baptized into the death of Jesus Christ, dying to sin with Him, and rising also to new life in Him.  By our baptism, we are as St. Paul says, “dead to sin and alive for God in Christ Jesus.”[1]  We are made new creations; adopted sons and daughters of God the Father.  It is in baptism that we receive sanctifying grace and the supernatural gifts of Faith, Hope, and Charity.  It is in baptism that the Holy Trinity comes to dwell in us, according to what Jesus said, “If a man loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.”[2]  The white robe that Jessica will don after her baptism symbolizes the immaculate state of her soul, washed clean by the blood of Christ in the waters of baptism.  Freed from the chains of sin and given new life in Jesus Christ!!  This is what we celebrate in the sacrament of baptism.

            We know also that in the sacrament of Confirmation we are sealed with the Holy Spirit: We become, in imitation of Christ, God’s own anointed ones.  Listen to the words of St. Jerome in one of his catechetical lessons about Confirmation: “The oil of gladness with which Christ was anointed was a spiritual oil; it was in fact the Holy Spirit himself, who is called the oil of gladness because he is the source of spiritual joy.  But we too have been anointed with oil, and by this anointing we have entered into fellowship with Christ and have received a share in his life.  Beware of thinking that this holy oil is simply ordinary oil and nothing else.  After the invocation of the Spirit it is no longer ordinary oil but the gift of Christ, and by the presence of his divinity it becomes the instrument through which we receive the Holy Spirit.  While symbolically, on our foreheads and senses, our bodies are anointed with this oil that we see, our souls are sanctified by the holy and life-giving Spirit.”  In Confirmation the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit are strengthened: wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, piety and fear of the Lord.  I once heard a great analogy for the gifts of the Holy Spirit… they are like the great sails of a ship and when the wind blows (or in our case, the Holy Spirit), it enables the ship to sail swiftly and smoothly to its destination.  Through the strengthening of these gifts we are given the means to truly mature as Christians: Already adopted as children of God in baptism, Confirmation increases sanctifying grace in the soul and offers us the strength and courage to boldly proclaim the name of Christ.  It fuels the fire of our love for God and sends us forth with the tools we need to bring the Good News to all people.

            And we know in faith that, through the great mystery and power of God, Jesus Christ is truly present in the Holy Eucharist, this most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar.  In John’s Gospel, Jesus calls Himself the “Bread of Life” and declares “unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood you have no life within you.”[3]  During each and every celebration of the Sacrifice of the Mass, through the power of the priest acting in persona Christi, calling down the Holy Spirit, ordinary bread and wine are transformed into the Body and Blood of Christ—our Spiritual food and drink.  This presence is not merely symbolic, but really real.  Thus, when we receive Holy Communion under the species of bread and wine, we truly receive Christ Himself!  Body, blood, soul and divinity!  A true union between ourselves and our God!  Consider that for a moment.  Mother Theresa of Calcutta once said, “When we look at Jesus on the Cross, we see how much He loved us then.  When we look at Jesus hidden in the Eucharist, we see how much He loves us now.”  Whatever our senses might tell us, we know that it is Christ we receive when we approach the holy altar.  And it is this Holy Eucharist that is the source and summit of our entire faith.

            We know all of these things—we have studied together their significance and learned together the teachings of the Church.  Yet, let me remind you, these blessed mysteries are truly intimate encounters with Jesus Christ Himself and it is by virtue of this that they gain all meaning.  These sacraments are not meant to be studied, but to be experienced!!  Yes, we study them and we seek to more readily understand them, but their true efficacy is in their celebration.  Through these sacraments we encounter and experience the great love of the Living God, Creator of the Universe, in a unique and intimate way!! 

            This is so important to understand as you prepare to enter into these sacred mysteries tomorrow night… What you will be experiencing is nothing of your own doing, nothing of your own power.  But you are encountering and receiving the free gift of love offered by God Himself, wholly unmerited by man.  As Jesus said to His disciples, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should last.”[4]  God freely chooses to pour out His love on us—our response is to first accept this love, recognizing that we are unworthy of such a beautiful gift, and then to love God with all our hearts, and all our minds, and all our souls. 

            Love.  This will be your vocation as true Christians.  Love of God and love of neighbor.  Tomorrow night is not the culmination of our time spent together here in RCIA, but rather it is but a new beginning.  You begin a new stage in your spiritual journey, entering ever more fully into the mystery of God’s love.  By virtue of this mystery of love, you will be called to a higher, more spiritual life.  Recall the words of St. Paul in his letter to the Colossians, “Since you have been raised up in company with Christ, set your heart on what pertains to higher realms where Christ is seated at God’s right hand.  Be intent on things above rather than on things of earth.  After all, you have died!  Your life is hidden now with Christ in God.  When Christ our life appears, then you shall appear with him in glory.”

            Do not be misled…  you will be tempted and there will be trials.  You will endure suffering of all types.  But take courage in your share of the cross of Christ.  Again St. Paul reminds us, “Do not be surprised, beloved, that a trial by fire is occurring in your midst.  It is a test for you, but it should not catch you off guard.  Rejoice, instead, in the measure that you share Christ’s sufferings.  When his glory is revealed you will rejoice exultantly.  Happy are you when you are insulted for the sake of Christ, for then God’s Spirit in its glory has come to rest on you.”

            This too is a mystery of the life of a Christian.  Suffering is a mystery, but in Christ suffering is transformed for the glory of God, and for our own salvation.  And it is in a special way that we can unite our own sufferings with the one sacrifice offered by Jesus Himself.

            As you begin to live this new life in Christ, this new life of love, it is imperative that you are spiritually nourished.  The first way to ensure that you are always being nourished is to follow the precepts of the Church: be sure that you are attending Mass each Sunday, that you go to Confession once a year, that you receive Holy Communion at least once a year…  But growing in authentic love requires more… Spend time in prayer each day.  Read the Scriptures.  Immerse yourself in a sacramental life—encountering Christ in frequent Holy Communion and frequent Confession.  Read spiritual books.  Be involved in your parishes through different ministries, prayer groups, bible studies, etc.  These are all very concrete ways in which you can deepen your relationship with God, growing both in love of Him and in love of neighbor.  Remember that we are called to holiness, we are all called to be saints.  St. Therese, who it seems has adopted Haylee, says it perfectly, “You cannot be half a saint!  You must be a whole saint or not one at all!” 

            Let me leave you with a quote by St. Augustine.  He says, “You are walking now by faith, still on pilgrimage in a mortal body away from the Lord; but he to whom your steps are directed is himself the sure and certain way for you: Jesus Christ.”  Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.  Turn to Him, love Him with all of your hearts… this is your call as Christians and as new Catholics.

---

[1]Romans 6:11

[2]John 14:23

[3]John 6:53

[4]John 15:16

Awesome day, full of blessings!!

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, for His love endures forever!!
*As a side note..  I never know whether the response ought to be "for His love endures forever" or if it ought to be "for His mercy endures forever."  Different translations translate it differently.  And my s/d always ends Confession by saying "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good" and I know my response is supposed to be one of those two... but I don't know which one!!  Mercy makes more sense in the confessional... but I've seen the love translation more often.

Today was a very blessed day!

-I had spiritual direction in the morning and it was very fruitful, even though it was in some ways a very strange meeting...

-I earned a much higher grade than I expected on a paper that I thought was very poorly written.

-I got an Easter package from my mom (yes, we celebrate(d) secular Easter growing up... had no idea what it meant, of course) that had lots of candy, a hand written note, and a pair of flip-flops!!

-I got a letter from my Kindergarten teacher!!!!!!!  This just made my day!!!!!!!  I can't wait to write her back!!  We haven't corresponded in...  well, at least 8 or 9 years, and I haven't seen her in probably about 13 or 14.

-I got to go to the Extraordinary Form today!!!  They celebrated it on campus!!!  And by 'they' I mean the seminary.  It was soooo beautiful!!!  Ah!!!!  Love it.

-I got to have dinner with my best friend, which is of course always a blessing.

-And despite all of the crazy things going on, my stress level is not hitting the roof because God's grace is super awesome.

So yeah.  Good stuff!  Loving life!