Officially on Spring Break. I'm staying with a friend and we're heading down to Christendom College for a few days to visit another friend, which should be fun. Kind of wish I were going home, especially to see my nephews and niece (she's walking now!!!). And my parents, of course.
Still waiting for a phone call back. I tried again on Friday, but didn't leave a message this time. I feel like I'm in a weird position now. I don't want to be impatient; nor do I want to seem as though I don't really care. I know M. is busy and I don't want to be pushy... but it's difficult to wait, too! And I'm not sure if 'waiting' is the right response, either. Oh how I hate confusion. Anywho, I suppose I'll try again sometime soon.
Things have been difficult for the past two weeks or so. I mean, I'm very much at peace... and I know that I'm following God's will in taking this next step. So, there's a deep peace and confidence. But it's still hard. And my emotions are sometimes running a little haywire. You know, thinking about really being prepared to leave everything behind... in a very real way. It's hard. My friends, my family... heck, even some of my possessions. Just everything.
And once again, I recognize this time as being one where God is really stretching me, helping me to grow in both trust and in faith. It's not easy. Yet, thanks be to God, there's no "doubt" per se. I can look at all that God has been doing in my life and there is a level of certainty that I have... obviously nothing 100%, but still, some level of confidence at least. It's now just a matter of actually choosing. Of making that deliberate act of the will. And sometimes that can be the most difficult thing, even when your heart and your reason are fully supportive.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Good of Knowledge
I'm not entirely what state of mind I'm in right now.
I just got back from a thrilling Honors dinner and discussion at the house of the President of my university. Every once in a while, the honors program hosts these sorts of get-togethers which bring in about 25 members of the faculty and students combined. It's always an enjoyable time. We usually read some work or another, then discuss.
These sorts of settings always renew my desire for the academic life and the world of academia. There's just something that's so very... enthralling about the intellectual life. I enjoy it immensely.
Yet, I am always keenly aware of the pride that so easily seeps in when I attend these sorts of venues. I very much enjoy the approving nods of well-respected professor's when I speak. I enjoy the company of those "higher-up." I enjoy the compliments.
I mean, I thoroughly enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge. Don't get me wrong. And I think that I honestly enjoy both for their own sake. But there is always that part of me, once I begin participating in such goods, that notices the other things that sometimes accompany them. Such as the attention, the compliments, etc.
I know that this sounds awfully prideful of me, even right now.
I just find it tough. Because I always begin these sorts of activities with the purest of intentions. And then, once I receive some sort of affirmation, it pleases my pride, and then I can no longer discern for which end I'm actually participating in the activity.
I guess it's just the case that I enjoy it both for its own sake and for the "benefits" (for lack of a better word), the pleasures it offers me. And I feel guilty about the latter and I don't know how to avoid it, other than not participating at all.
After nights like tonight, I'm tempted to enter the world of academia... I just love it so much. Again, for two different reasons, really. But I do love it. And I would absolutely love to go on for further studies, to get my Masters/Doctorate in Philosophy or Theology. To come back and teach at a university and enjoy the academic life.
But I suppose I can recognize the selfishness in it. Because, again, I do enjoy the affirmation and attention that comes along with it. I also simply enjoy the thrill of an intellectual conversation. It's exhilarating.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Sometimes I just wish I could be cleansed of these faults, so that I could just enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge without these negative side effects.
I just got back from a thrilling Honors dinner and discussion at the house of the President of my university. Every once in a while, the honors program hosts these sorts of get-togethers which bring in about 25 members of the faculty and students combined. It's always an enjoyable time. We usually read some work or another, then discuss.
These sorts of settings always renew my desire for the academic life and the world of academia. There's just something that's so very... enthralling about the intellectual life. I enjoy it immensely.
Yet, I am always keenly aware of the pride that so easily seeps in when I attend these sorts of venues. I very much enjoy the approving nods of well-respected professor's when I speak. I enjoy the company of those "higher-up." I enjoy the compliments.
I mean, I thoroughly enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge. Don't get me wrong. And I think that I honestly enjoy both for their own sake. But there is always that part of me, once I begin participating in such goods, that notices the other things that sometimes accompany them. Such as the attention, the compliments, etc.
I know that this sounds awfully prideful of me, even right now.
I just find it tough. Because I always begin these sorts of activities with the purest of intentions. And then, once I receive some sort of affirmation, it pleases my pride, and then I can no longer discern for which end I'm actually participating in the activity.
I guess it's just the case that I enjoy it both for its own sake and for the "benefits" (for lack of a better word), the pleasures it offers me. And I feel guilty about the latter and I don't know how to avoid it, other than not participating at all.
After nights like tonight, I'm tempted to enter the world of academia... I just love it so much. Again, for two different reasons, really. But I do love it. And I would absolutely love to go on for further studies, to get my Masters/Doctorate in Philosophy or Theology. To come back and teach at a university and enjoy the academic life.
But I suppose I can recognize the selfishness in it. Because, again, I do enjoy the affirmation and attention that comes along with it. I also simply enjoy the thrill of an intellectual conversation. It's exhilarating.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Sometimes I just wish I could be cleansed of these faults, so that I could just enjoy study and the pursuit of knowledge without these negative side effects.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Randomness
Still waiting for a return phone call. Trying not to be too impatient 'cause I know they're super busy. Plus, communication seems to be pretty slow, from my experience. I'll try again Thursday evening if I don't hear anything in the next two days. I'm not too terribly anxious about it. I mean, it does test the nerves knowing that the call could come at any point in time, most likely when I least expect it. But maybe it's better that way. Or maybe I'll say something foolish/childish again. That wouldn't surprise me either.
We just started extended Adoration on campus for Lent. Tuesdays from 12:30pm (immediately following the noon Mass) until 11:00pm. And we have three or four students signed up for each time slot!!!!! And we're going by half an hour, not an hour!!!!! It's wonderful!!!
We're also doing half an hour of Adoration with Benediction and Night Prayer on Monday nights following the 10pm Mass, which is also wonderful.
Also, I just had a freshman approach me yesterday to ask and talk about discernment. Caught me a little off guard, but we had such a good conversation. She's going to come on our upcoming "nun-run" which is in two weeks... we're heading up to New York to see the Salesians (technically New Jersey), the CFRs, and the Sisters of Life. I'm excited!
I feel like I've finally gotten into my groove, so to speak, academically. I finally know what it means to study and to study for the sake of studying- not for grades. I've never really been one for homework and study. I've always loved classes and learning, but never the extra time and effort outside of classes. And I never needed to do that anyways, because I could do well grade-wise without it. But this year I've learned the joy of participating in the good of speculative knowledge and studying for the sake of studying. Too bad I'm in my last semester. Right when I finally learn how to properly learn, I end school. Go figure.
My congestion has died down a lot and now I'm stuck with this yucky cough. But it's not too bad. More annoying than anything else.
Funny story. I was having a coughing fit during moral philosophy this morning, taught by my s/d. He stopped lecturing when I started coughing and stared at me, waiting for me to stop. Then he said, "Get better. That's under holy obedience!" Haha.
Hm. Time for bed, me thinks. Work in the morning. Class. Mass. Class x2. Meeting with my catechumen. Dinner. Militia Immaculata. Holy hour. Homework/study. Bed.
Busy day tomorrow.
We just started extended Adoration on campus for Lent. Tuesdays from 12:30pm (immediately following the noon Mass) until 11:00pm. And we have three or four students signed up for each time slot!!!!! And we're going by half an hour, not an hour!!!!! It's wonderful!!!
We're also doing half an hour of Adoration with Benediction and Night Prayer on Monday nights following the 10pm Mass, which is also wonderful.
Also, I just had a freshman approach me yesterday to ask and talk about discernment. Caught me a little off guard, but we had such a good conversation. She's going to come on our upcoming "nun-run" which is in two weeks... we're heading up to New York to see the Salesians (technically New Jersey), the CFRs, and the Sisters of Life. I'm excited!
I feel like I've finally gotten into my groove, so to speak, academically. I finally know what it means to study and to study for the sake of studying- not for grades. I've never really been one for homework and study. I've always loved classes and learning, but never the extra time and effort outside of classes. And I never needed to do that anyways, because I could do well grade-wise without it. But this year I've learned the joy of participating in the good of speculative knowledge and studying for the sake of studying. Too bad I'm in my last semester. Right when I finally learn how to properly learn, I end school. Go figure.
My congestion has died down a lot and now I'm stuck with this yucky cough. But it's not too bad. More annoying than anything else.
Funny story. I was having a coughing fit during moral philosophy this morning, taught by my s/d. He stopped lecturing when I started coughing and stared at me, waiting for me to stop. Then he said, "Get better. That's under holy obedience!" Haha.
Hm. Time for bed, me thinks. Work in the morning. Class. Mass. Class x2. Meeting with my catechumen. Dinner. Militia Immaculata. Holy hour. Homework/study. Bed.
Busy day tomorrow.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I did it. Kind of.
Well, I called.
And got the answering machine.
So I waited about fifteen minutes and tried again.
That time I actually left a message.
So now it's waiting time. Waiting for a call back. Which could be... well, anytime really. I have no idea. For all I know, a game of phone tag may commence. But it's in the hands of the Holy Spirit now.
And got the answering machine.
So I waited about fifteen minutes and tried again.
That time I actually left a message.
So now it's waiting time. Waiting for a call back. Which could be... well, anytime really. I have no idea. For all I know, a game of phone tag may commence. But it's in the hands of the Holy Spirit now.
Sick
Since I already know I can't write coherently... I declare a disjointed post.
"Why are you looking for love,
Why are you still searching,
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go, child?
Tell Me, where will you run?
To where will you run?"
I heard this song last night for the first time in quite a few months and this particular verse hit me pretty hard. There's a moment, I think, in every discerner's life when they finally "say yes." For many, there's a long time spent when they don't say no... and that is quite a step itself. But there comes a point when one actually has to say "yes" to this calling they've perceived.
That point came for me a few weeks into Fall semester. I was spending another one of those nights in the chapel, asking Our Lord for guidance, for clarity... And I quite clearly perceived Him saying to me, "Where else would you go? To whom else would you go?" And that was it. But it was pretty darn clear. If I did not follow Him, give my heart to Him, where would I go? Who else would I give it to? Jesus did a sort of process of elimination for me...
Well, now I've been given that opportunity. Everything is in a line. A simple phone call and my life begins in a completely different direction, one toward Our Lord. Yet here I am, hesitating. Not for any real reason, I don't think. Just that I recognize exactly how... monumental?... this action is. (Forgive me for being over-dramatic, I tend to do that every once in a while.) The moment I dial that number and begin this process... everything changes. And really, it marks a point from which things will turn very difficult. It marks the point of truly turning away from the world. It's a radical decision. And I'm scared.
But once again, those words hit me last night... and I know there's no where else I would go. I have no where else to run to.
I'm sick. And it's not much fun right now. My head is congested, my left eye won't stop watering, I keep coughing and sneezing and there's no end to blowing my nose. Plus I just feel yucky. Light headed, weak, can't think very well... Worse time for this to happen, too. Midterm week. And today was the Rite of Election that I couldn't go to.
Oye vey. That's something else. I'm sponsoring a catechumen into the Church. She's a freshman, a little immature (like most freshman), but overall a good kid. Well, I got an e-mail from her parents yesterday, expressing concern about her converting. She doesn't know they've contacted me. And it was quite the e-mail. I'm not entirely sure how to respond as of yet.
I'm emotionally drained by my friends. As my s/d said, I'm far above my pay grade with them right now. I'm entangled in a mess of eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, and other such mental problems. I'm the go-to friend for two of these friends, and no one else on campus knows of their situation. Or I should say, no other students know of their situation. My s/d happens to also see one of these girls... which has made it sometimes a bit awkward to talk about, but he's very good at the compartmentalizing. It's also nice to know that he also knows the severity of what it means being the only friend to this person.
It's hard, because I love these two young women so much. It can just be a lot to handle sometimes.
Ugh... this cold makes me want to cut off my head.
I was planning on calling this evening... but I can't even seem to speak normally, so it doesn't look like that'll be happening. I guess Tuesday? I really didn't want to wait that long. But oh well. Not sure what else I can do at this point.
I wish I were going home for Spring break. I'm going home with a friend, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I kind of need some space from my friends and usually Spring break is a good time for that. I'd love to go stay with the Sisters... haha. But that won't be happening either.
Hm. Time for some more medicine and another nap.
"Why are you looking for love,
Why are you still searching,
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go, child?
Tell Me, where will you run?
To where will you run?"
I heard this song last night for the first time in quite a few months and this particular verse hit me pretty hard. There's a moment, I think, in every discerner's life when they finally "say yes." For many, there's a long time spent when they don't say no... and that is quite a step itself. But there comes a point when one actually has to say "yes" to this calling they've perceived.
That point came for me a few weeks into Fall semester. I was spending another one of those nights in the chapel, asking Our Lord for guidance, for clarity... And I quite clearly perceived Him saying to me, "Where else would you go? To whom else would you go?" And that was it. But it was pretty darn clear. If I did not follow Him, give my heart to Him, where would I go? Who else would I give it to? Jesus did a sort of process of elimination for me...
Well, now I've been given that opportunity. Everything is in a line. A simple phone call and my life begins in a completely different direction, one toward Our Lord. Yet here I am, hesitating. Not for any real reason, I don't think. Just that I recognize exactly how... monumental?... this action is. (Forgive me for being over-dramatic, I tend to do that every once in a while.) The moment I dial that number and begin this process... everything changes. And really, it marks a point from which things will turn very difficult. It marks the point of truly turning away from the world. It's a radical decision. And I'm scared.
But once again, those words hit me last night... and I know there's no where else I would go. I have no where else to run to.
I'm sick. And it's not much fun right now. My head is congested, my left eye won't stop watering, I keep coughing and sneezing and there's no end to blowing my nose. Plus I just feel yucky. Light headed, weak, can't think very well... Worse time for this to happen, too. Midterm week. And today was the Rite of Election that I couldn't go to.
Oye vey. That's something else. I'm sponsoring a catechumen into the Church. She's a freshman, a little immature (like most freshman), but overall a good kid. Well, I got an e-mail from her parents yesterday, expressing concern about her converting. She doesn't know they've contacted me. And it was quite the e-mail. I'm not entirely sure how to respond as of yet.
I'm emotionally drained by my friends. As my s/d said, I'm far above my pay grade with them right now. I'm entangled in a mess of eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, and other such mental problems. I'm the go-to friend for two of these friends, and no one else on campus knows of their situation. Or I should say, no other students know of their situation. My s/d happens to also see one of these girls... which has made it sometimes a bit awkward to talk about, but he's very good at the compartmentalizing. It's also nice to know that he also knows the severity of what it means being the only friend to this person.
It's hard, because I love these two young women so much. It can just be a lot to handle sometimes.
Ugh... this cold makes me want to cut off my head.
I was planning on calling this evening... but I can't even seem to speak normally, so it doesn't look like that'll be happening. I guess Tuesday? I really didn't want to wait that long. But oh well. Not sure what else I can do at this point.
I wish I were going home for Spring break. I'm going home with a friend, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I kind of need some space from my friends and usually Spring break is a good time for that. I'd love to go stay with the Sisters... haha. But that won't be happening either.
Hm. Time for some more medicine and another nap.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
P&W and Testimony
Last night we had a "Night of Praise and Worship," utilizing the student/seminarian band that would have played at Mount 2000. The first half an hour was praise and worship, then the last hour was adoration (with a small procession and some more P&W).
In between the two I gave my testimony. It was only a crowd of 80 or so (much smaller than 1,600!), but I was nervous beforehand nonetheless.
It went well... the moment I started speaking, I literally felt the Holy Spirit. I was completely at peace and really, it felt as though He was speaking through me. I've experienced this a few times- where afterwards I'm not even entirely sure what I actually said. It's a beautiful experience. And it just felt so natural.
This might seem strange, but I've always had some sort of inkling that God wants to use me to proclaim His glory. In a concrete sense, like I did last night, sharing how He has worked in my life. I don't know. It really is such a strange sensation when I share my story, because I can see the Holy Spirit working, not only through me, but also in those to whom I speaking. They say that sometimes you never know whose hearts you've touched. That's true. But when I'm speaking, sometimes I can see the Holy Spirit moving hearts and its so beautiful.
Afterwards many people came to thank me, to speak with me... I wasn't really prepared for that. And all I could do was repeat with Our Blessed Mother "The Almighty has done great things for me..."
When we were training for our testimonies, the Deacon warned us that whenever you speak in front of crowd of people in this sort of context, there is the danger of becoming a sort of "iconic" figure. But that all costs we must remember that it's not about us... it's about God. All about God. And that's so true. Besides, who could possibly take credit for anything? God is the Author of all the things that we share about anyways. It's all for His Glory.
On a slightly different note...
I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I know that my s/d advised a month to all of Lent to continue praying about this stage of my discernment... but I don't think I can wait any longer! I meet with him again on Tuesday, which will be three weeks from the last time we met. So not quite a month. I don't know what he's going to say. But... I just want to be there now!! How can I possibly wait any longer to apply?!
I suppose, once again, it is simply a time to grow in trust and in humility. If I'm honest with myself, there's part of me that just wants to know for sure what I'm doing after graduation. For practical reasons too-- will I be going on senior week after graduation? Am I purchasing tickets to go home right after graduation? Am I going to any of my friends' ordinations? Should I be trying to find a job? And not to mention, I'd be able to give a slightly more concrete answer to those folks who keep asking that dreaded question: What are you doing after graduation? There's just something nice about knowing... then I could relax some more and focus on my last semester and my studies and what have you.
Actually, in this whole process, I feel as though it's just been one big lesson in trust. There's still part of me that questions, "Really, God? This is where You want me?" Yet, despite that, I still have this strange, underlying confidence that this really is where He wants me. And even though, at some levels, it doesn't make sense... in many ways, it does. And it's comforting to look back and see very clearly how God has been moving my discernment.
Oy vey. I guess in some ways I would just like to see some progress. It's frustrating, sometimes, to know so clearly what you see as God's plan... and not be able to go forward. But. Again. Trust. And humility. And really, obedience, too. All very good things. And besides, God's will be done, not mine. If I'm supposed to wait longer... I won't like it... but I'll do it.
In between the two I gave my testimony. It was only a crowd of 80 or so (much smaller than 1,600!), but I was nervous beforehand nonetheless.
It went well... the moment I started speaking, I literally felt the Holy Spirit. I was completely at peace and really, it felt as though He was speaking through me. I've experienced this a few times- where afterwards I'm not even entirely sure what I actually said. It's a beautiful experience. And it just felt so natural.
This might seem strange, but I've always had some sort of inkling that God wants to use me to proclaim His glory. In a concrete sense, like I did last night, sharing how He has worked in my life. I don't know. It really is such a strange sensation when I share my story, because I can see the Holy Spirit working, not only through me, but also in those to whom I speaking. They say that sometimes you never know whose hearts you've touched. That's true. But when I'm speaking, sometimes I can see the Holy Spirit moving hearts and its so beautiful.
Afterwards many people came to thank me, to speak with me... I wasn't really prepared for that. And all I could do was repeat with Our Blessed Mother "The Almighty has done great things for me..."
When we were training for our testimonies, the Deacon warned us that whenever you speak in front of crowd of people in this sort of context, there is the danger of becoming a sort of "iconic" figure. But that all costs we must remember that it's not about us... it's about God. All about God. And that's so true. Besides, who could possibly take credit for anything? God is the Author of all the things that we share about anyways. It's all for His Glory.
On a slightly different note...
I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I know that my s/d advised a month to all of Lent to continue praying about this stage of my discernment... but I don't think I can wait any longer! I meet with him again on Tuesday, which will be three weeks from the last time we met. So not quite a month. I don't know what he's going to say. But... I just want to be there now!! How can I possibly wait any longer to apply?!
I suppose, once again, it is simply a time to grow in trust and in humility. If I'm honest with myself, there's part of me that just wants to know for sure what I'm doing after graduation. For practical reasons too-- will I be going on senior week after graduation? Am I purchasing tickets to go home right after graduation? Am I going to any of my friends' ordinations? Should I be trying to find a job? And not to mention, I'd be able to give a slightly more concrete answer to those folks who keep asking that dreaded question: What are you doing after graduation? There's just something nice about knowing... then I could relax some more and focus on my last semester and my studies and what have you.
Actually, in this whole process, I feel as though it's just been one big lesson in trust. There's still part of me that questions, "Really, God? This is where You want me?" Yet, despite that, I still have this strange, underlying confidence that this really is where He wants me. And even though, at some levels, it doesn't make sense... in many ways, it does. And it's comforting to look back and see very clearly how God has been moving my discernment.
Oy vey. I guess in some ways I would just like to see some progress. It's frustrating, sometimes, to know so clearly what you see as God's plan... and not be able to go forward. But. Again. Trust. And humility. And really, obedience, too. All very good things. And besides, God's will be done, not mine. If I'm supposed to wait longer... I won't like it... but I'll do it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Holy Hour & Confessions w/VD from Franciscans of the Immaculate
Wow, I am so excited!
So apparently Fr. Jacinto Mary, the vocations director for the community Franciscans of the Immaculate will be coming up to the Mount regardless of Mount 2000 being cancelled. Seeing as we have a Militia Immaculata group on campus (I've been a part of it since my freshman year), he wanted to do something special with us. So, we're having a Holy hour and he's going to give a reflection and hear confessions. Then we're all going down for dinner together.
I'm pumped!
So apparently Fr. Jacinto Mary, the vocations director for the community Franciscans of the Immaculate will be coming up to the Mount regardless of Mount 2000 being cancelled. Seeing as we have a Militia Immaculata group on campus (I've been a part of it since my freshman year), he wanted to do something special with us. So, we're having a Holy hour and he's going to give a reflection and hear confessions. Then we're all going down for dinner together.
I'm pumped!
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