The Man I Want to Be

Today I heard one of my favorite "new" country songs.  It's called "The man I want to be" and it's sung by Chris Young.  It's a really good one.

Anyways, I was struck by something as I listened to it today...  I don't hate myself anymore.  In fact, I'd kind of say that I've rather grown on myself.  ;-)

I know that sounds so very melodramatic, but for me, it's a nice realization.  One for which to give glory to God. It's very refreshing to see, very concretely, an area where I have been healed by God's great mercy and love.

God is good!!

Job difficulties

This is slightly frustrating.  And by slightly, I mean pretty gosh darn frustrating.

I don't know what to do about a job.

I've been looking around a little bit, putting in applications...  But I have to admit to the whole thing being fairly half-hearted.  Not because I don't wish to work-- I absolutely do!!  I want a good job and I want to work as hard as I need to in order to pay off my loans.

The problem is that I'm straddling two different coasts right now and I don't know on which one I'll be living long-term.  Everything that I've found to apply to here at home are part-time "professional" jobs.  Ones that I would feel very guilty taking and then leaving in three months.  I haven't found any full-time positions for which I'd be eligible.  At least not out here.

And, frankly, if I'm going to live at home and work, it's going to have to be with a full-time job.  I won't do part-time work here, not long term.  If I'm doing part-time work, I'd rather be doing part-time work and living at the Novitiate house.  At least then I'd be able to grow spiritually, be with the Sisters, and be able to see my friends.

But it's a little difficult to search for jobs when you're living on a different coast.  Still haven't heard back from the Catholic school principal.  That's my only lead right now.  I ended up just explaining the entire situation to him-- about my discernment, about everything.  I don't think it would have been fair to him to keep it to myself.

Ugh.

Why are things so difficult?  Honestly tempts me to just go back to school.  It really does.  Because that's exactly what I'd do if things weren't the way they are vocation-wise.  Actually, I'd head out to do mission work somewhere for a few months-year and then go to school.  Maybe in Rome.  I don't know.

But, Deo Gratias, I suppose.  Because if I weren't having job difficulties, I wouldn't face the temptation to procrastinate my vocation by going to school.

Family Stuff

My dad came home today with... a lot... of prescription medicine.  He had an impromptu doctor's appointment today because his hips has been hurting him something awfully bad lately.  Which means that his disease is breaking through his current medicine...  which is the last experimental medicine they have.  And this is all indicative that his disease is or is close to transitioning into it's third and final stage.  When that is in full gear, all of his joints will fuse together and he will be completely immobile (it's already begun in his lower spinal cord).  Then the disease will attack his organs.

I don't know.  I don't know.

My grandfather is in town.  He flew in sometime today, it seems.  Which means he'll probably stop by sometime in the next few days.  I know it sounds harsh, but I hope I'm not home when he does.  I don't care for him much, frankly.  He was absent from my life until a few years ago, absent from my mother's almost her entire life.  He's insensitive and only manages to hurt people when he comes around.

It's sad, really.  Because he doesn't know how to love.  He's like one of those people who does indeed love others, but has no idea how to really show it.  Every attempt only hurts others.  I guess I should be able to let go of my personal "hurts" from him, especially when I see all of this...  but it's a bit more difficult than that.  I wish I knew why.

In other news, I drove the kiddos back up to my brother's today.  It was a good five days with them.

I'm not feeling so well tonight.  I think I'll head to bed now.

IDK

A few weeks ago I had dinner with two friends that I hadn't seen in quite a while.  We were talking about my discernment and what have you, and I remember making an off-hand comment about how there was tiny part of me that was a bit uneasy about the fact that it's so new.  You know, considering everything that's been going on with the Legionaries and Fr. Maciel.  It seems like new orders are subject to that sort of scandal nowadays.

So, consider my sadness when I heard that the founder of *my* community has been asked to resign from his post as Superior General.  I think my heart dropped straight to my stomach when I saw the news article.  I've read a few different articles on it, including his own letter to the Pope.  From what I can tell, things don't seem to be nearly on the same level as Fr. Maciel.  There doesn't appear to be any sexual scandal at all, Deo Gratias.  But there are other things: manipulation, brain-washing, etc.  And those are things I've heard in the rumour-well before.

I don't really know what to think.  I wish there was more information about this whole thing.  I'd be lying if I said it didn't stand as a concern to me.  I just don't know what to think.  On one hand, this could be something of an imperfection in the Order as a whole, and something that with prayer and penance can be overcome, thus enabling the Order to return to a healthy state.  It almost seems that, in its attempt to be a conservative Order (an admirable goal, btw, especially in response to the major decline of the past century), it has slightly over-stepped the boundaries.  Virtue is in the middle, and I think possibly the attempt to get away from the left pushed too far into the right.

But I really don't know, because I don't know any specifics.

And I don't know if this is something I should really heavily consider with my own vocation.  It causes me some concern, yet I can't help but feel called to this Order.  I mean, God calls people to imperfect institutions, right?  I see it all the time with Dioceses.  One of my good friends is a seminarian for a diocese that isn't so hot right now.  But he perseveres.

Yet at the same time...

Oh, I just don't know.  I wish I could talk with my s/d and see what he has to say about this.

Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved

Oh God, what am I doing?  What in the world am I doing?!

Somebody splash my face with some cold water; wake me up from this fantastical dream.  Somebody.  Something.

I am acutely aware of the strangeness of my situation.  What I thought to be sincerity bleeds into lucid anxiety.  Surely I am not in my right mind.  Surely I’ve gone crazy.  Mad.  Bonkers.

“I’ve gone mad, haven’t I?”

“I’m afraid so.  Absolutely bonkers…

But I’ll tell you a secret, all the best people are!”

Hm.  Perhaps there’s some truth to that statement.  Not that I count myself amongst “the best people.”  But if you think about all of our ‘greats,’ you might find that they could very easily be considered bonkers.  Barking mad.

Yet, there’s no hope for me to regain my sanity.  I’ve gone too far, I’m a lost case.  Yes, leave me be.  Leave me to drown in the depths of my own fantasy.  I can’t be saved from this.  Why not?  Because all of the pleasures of the world taste as ash in my mouth now.  Even if I wanted to turn back now, it would be near impossible.  I mean, sin can accomplish anything.  But the world means nothing to me now.  To return to its bleak offerings and to refuse the sweetness from above would be a living Hell for me.

Oh Heaven help me.  I can’t do this on my own.  Fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved.  I can’t do this on my own.

My impatience is getting rather ridiculous-- God grant me patience, but not yet!!  As in, let's not make me grow in patience with this particular situation.

Since I've had no long thus far in trying to find a job (waiting to hear back on my only lead), I've been able to spend a lot of time reading and doing some online apologetics (and, well, in person apologetics with those Mormon missionaries).  Right now I'm reading The Three Ages of the Interior Life by Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, OP...  it is absolutely fantastic!!  I highly recommend it.  How can I explain this book?  It's like...  a treatise on the interior life that combines the more 'mystical' elements of the greats like St. John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila with the doctrinal and more deductive teachings of St. Thomas-- starting it all with a foundation on grace, its nature and importance.

This book is seriously blowing my mind.  And I'm still waiting for Steven Long's Natura Pura to come in from Amazon...

Complete side-note:  With all of my reading of Thomistic works, my visits to the Dominican priory for Mass, and my continued study of the Summa... My desires to be a Dominican are being rekindled within me.  Of course, I don't have to be a Dominican to be a good Thomist... but still.  All I know is that if the women's communities of Dominicans were like the male's, I would join them in a heartbeat. (Not to say there's anything lacking in the women Dominicans, just that they're not really all that similar to the male branch.)  Well, and then there's the whole she-bang about God calling me elsewhere, despite my great love for the Dominicans... I guess that's important too.  ;-)


Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that I really just want to enter right now.  Just when I thought that desire could not increase any more, it is doubled.  I need to go...

And how frustrating it is to know that I simply can't.  Not right now.  Perhaps not even for a couple of years (God-willing not!).

Yet, may God be praised.  Somehow this waiting and this suffering brings greater glory to Him than if I were to go right now.  I'm not entirely sure how that is...  but I do know that it's not yet my time.  So I must abandon myself once again to His will.  How infinitely more pleasing it is to my God that I submit to His will right now.  And an act of abandonment to God's will in this situation is all the more valuable to my perfection.

Still.  It's hard.  But I must remind myself that it is nothing less than love for God that draws my heart to the convent... it would be sad indeed if I desired the convent more than I loved God... and love of God is to rejoice in doing His will.  In the present moment.

So here I am.  A college graduate.  21 years old.  Jobless.  Living at home with my parents.

Okay, okay.  No more whining.  :-)

Oh Heaven help me...

Be careful what you wish for...

I was at the end of the year Concert/Symphonic Band/Wind Ensemble concert tonight (they did an amazing job, by the way), reminiscing about my years in band and wishing that I had more of an opportunity to play my trumpet.

I come back home and see a message from the Sacred Music Director at my parish asking if I would be willing to play for the Corpus Christi procession on Sunday (yes, we do an actual procession-- it's epic... through downtown and back).

Unfortunately my yamaha is still back East.  I have my beginner's one here at home and I picked up tonight just to see how I sound.  I haven't played in... gosh, probably about six months.  And I haven't played consistently in a year or so.

My tone isn't too bad, and my range isn't terrible.  I know my endurance is terrible (I only played for about ten minutes, just to see if I could stand my sound), and that's my biggest worry.  But if I remember correctly from years past, it isn't a whole lot of playing.  Just at the beginning of each altar.  Or the end.  I can't quite remember.  But usually that's a professional trio... so I'm hoping they're still involved....

Oh, what am I getting myself into?????

Looks like I'll be playing a lot in the next few days to try and build up my endurance.  And e-mailing my high school band director to see if he'd be willing to let me borrow his trumpet for the weekend.