Nerves, emotions, and peace

I'm not usually an overly emotional person.  I mean, I get angry or sad or upset or what have you, just like any normal person.  But I would hardly say that I'm overly emotional.  And most of the time, when I am being emotional, it's usually a pretty clear cut feeling.  I can describe it, talk about it, cry about it... whatever.

But man oh man am I caught off guard by my emotional state right now!  I'm here there and everywhere!  I swear it's almost as though I'm feeling a different emotion every 20 minutes...  Of course, considering the circumstances, I suppose it's not too terribly surprising.

What does surprise me, however, is my complete inability to describe what I'm feeling.  I simply can't put what's going on inside into words.  The complexity of emotions is just simply too great.  Sometimes I am torn in thirty different directions by thirty different feelings!

The neat thing is that, in some ways, I'm somewhat removed from the emotions.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all.  I mean, obviously they're real and I can certainly feel them!  But, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't necessarily indulge them; I don't let them control me and my state of mind.  I'm still very much at peace and this is even more firmly established in prayer.  I mean, honestly (and this surprises me), I don't think too much about everything that's going on when I go to prayer.  I find that I will speak with Our Lord about it for a small time near the beginning of prayer, but then I find myself abandoning everything to Him and then resting in His presence.  I guess it makes sense.  There's no real need to worry about it all in prayer too much.  A religious vocation is about pursuing the Beloved, and following Him wherever He leads you.  The closer you are to His heart, the clearer what He wants for you becomes...

But, the emotions are still there, even though I am filled with "the peace that surpasses all things."  The nerves are definitely kicking in for tomorrow, although in all reality, I have nothing to be nervous about.

One thing (of many!) that has struck me pretty hard in the past few days is how incredibly free the Lord has made this decision for me, especially concerning my parents.  He has removed so many obstacles from my saying "yes," not the least being the support of my parents.  I honestly don't know if I'd be able to go through with all of this (or even begin it, for that matter), if God's grace were not so evidently at work with them.  Having their support...  frees me in a way that I wouldn't have been free before.  Yet, funny enough, it's almost as though that makes it all the harder to make this sort of decision.  Because it's really mine to make.  I am given the choice... leave everything behind to follow Him or not.

Yeah, not really explaining that well either.

I'm excited for tomorrow.  I'm nervous.  I can't believe I'm actually doing this.  I can't believe that I'm not more freaked out that I'm actually doing this.  I'm terrified at what this might mean.  I'm terrified I'll be rejected.  I'm terrified I'll be accepted.  I really just want to be there right now; I don't want to finish school (but I will).  I'm scared I'm doing what I want to do and not what He wants me to do.  I'm afraid I've totally convinced my self of this.  I'm excited.  I'm overjoyed.

Most importantly... I'm at peace.  And behind everything there is the foundational fact:  It's all for His glory.  It's all to bring Him joy.  Nothing less, nothing more.