Yesterday was a day full of great blessings.
- I went to confession. One thing the priest said to me that really put my mind at ease (and I'm not sure he even knew how much this one sentence hit me), "You know, we all get in those moods every once in a while and do something stupid." Stupid. That's how I always feel when I go to confession. I feel silly. Like, what in the world was I thinking when I committed those sins? Doesn't even make sense. And ya know, I rarely feel better immediately after confession. Actually, most of the time, I feel worse right after confession, because receiving God's forgiveness is like double-edged sword... I did something that stupid and He still forgave me. But, give me a few hours, another act of contrition, and I'm good to go.
- I received an e-mail from the President's office at my school alerting me that another donor has sent in a small donation to go toward my student loans! Praise God! The donor preferred to remain anonymous, but... praise God!
- And of course, I was offered the job as "Faith Formation Director" (why don't they just call it DRE like everyone else?) at a nearby parish.
I purposely missed the phone call from the parish yesterday afternoon, hoping I could be told via voicemail the outcome... of course, that wasn't the case and I had to call back to hear my fate. I was so nervous beforehand. And, in some ways, I didn't want the job. I know that sounds silly and it is, but... Well, committing to a real job has many implications:
- First and foremost, it means conceding to the fact that I won't be heading to the convent this year. I know it's been a pretty well-established reality, but I hadn't yet really accepted it yet. It kills me to think that I'll have to wait for at least a year, perhaps two, before I can go.
- Second, it means that I'm an adult now. Like, a real grown up with a full-time job. Call me crazy, but I'm rather attached to my childhood. I've had many experiences in the past few years that have indicated that it's almost time to officially grow up... but this pretty much seals the deal.
- Third, it means that I'll be on the West coast for the next 1-2 years. That's 3,000 miles away from my best friend, which absolutely kills me. 3,000 miles away from most of my friends, actually. (And I don't really have a set of friends back here anymore, sadly.) It's also 3,000 miles away from the Order and the sisters. Starting a new job means I won't have vacation time accrued for a full year, so I won't be able to visit, either.
- Fourth, and this has been slightly touched on, it means I'll be 3,000 miles away from the sisters. I'll be living at home in an environment that, while much improved lately, will not assist me to grow in holiness. There's a small fear that I might, as the saying goes, "lose my vocation" somehow. Whether that's a logical fear... I don't know. But I do know that it may have been better, environment-wise, to live with the sisters and be able to pray with them and work out there.
Did I mention I'd be 3,000 miles away from my best friend whom I already miss immensely? :-( Well, most of those things listed are considerations of personal preferences and are answered by positives for staying here. Except maybe the last one, but again, I think I just might be a little over-anxious on that account. God will provide.
The positives for staying out here:
- First, I think the obvious should be stated: It's a job. It pays money. Money that can be used to pay off my student loans so that I can go and enter the convent. Although I want to go right now, there's clearly a road block standing in my way. There's been some help on the donation front, but not enough to overcome this barricade. And I can't just sit and do nothing. While it's a little terrifying to think that if I commit to this job, something might come up... Well. Like Monsignor said, right now we're looking at a choice between goods. The job is a real good. A donation is a possible good (and a better one, for my situation), but it is only in the realm of 'possible' right now. Not fact.
- Second, my dad is ill and we don't know what the immediate future (next 1-2 years) is going to look like. It could be bad. It could be okay. Don't know. It seemed as though God wanted me at home for this current episode, maybe there's something on this front that I'm not yet aware of but for that reason God wants me here.
- Third, it's a job related to my field. It'll give me good experience and training for any ministry I do potentially as a sister. Words of my chaplain now echo back to me, "Kayla, I don't know, but I think God might want to work some good with you before you enter. Maybe a donor(s) will come along, but I have a feeling He wants to use you during the interim." I figured, at the time, that that was his way of preventing any major disappointment if I didn't manage to fundraise my student loans away. Perhaps it was. But it might very well be applicable now as well.
- Fourth, I get to stay at home and spend at least a year with my family. I know that it's important to them and it's important to me as well. As ready as I am to head off to the convent, the thought of leaving my family is certainly felt strongly. I love my family and leaving them is not an easy thing to do. Any time spent with them is a blessing, so perhaps if I'm not meant to enter this year, it's best that I be at home.
- Fifth, well, there's some stuff still up in the air about the Order and what have you. Those things need to get sorted out first.
I talked to my s/d after getting the news and we covered basically all of the above. I had asked to have until the end of the week to make my final decision, saying that I was very confident I would likely accept, but that I needed to confirm with my s/d and pray about it first. I felt a little bad doing that but... I hadn't talked to Monsignor about it all, since everything happened so quickly. But, we talked yesterday. And I feel at peace with it. I didn't at first. But then I prayed about it, and felt very much at peace. Monsignor said that I ought to try and contact M. Lumen before making my final decision, just to see what she thought as well. I sent her an e-mail, but haven't heard back from her. I'm going to try calling in about half an hour. But I don't know if she's at the Chapter or what. Last time we spoke she said we'd talk again at the end of July.
I felt kind of silly sending the e-mail, to tell the truth. Maybe it's because I'm just not sure what the relationship is supposed to be like right now. To what extent my decisions ought to be influenced by them. I can't imagine her saying that I shouldn't take the job. In fact, I have a feeling she might find it amusing I'm asking her about it in the first place. Aaaaand, to be honest again, I'd really rather not have to call her today. I need to, of course, but I'd rather not. Because I still need to talk to her about the whole, well, situation going on with their founder, and I have no idea how to do that yet. No idea what to ask or how to ask it. Yet it would also feel strange if I called, talked to her, and didn't ask about it. Easy solution would be if she just e-mailed me back and I didn't have to worry about it anymore...
Can you tell I'm not much of a phone person? I hate talking on the phone. I hate making phone calls. I'd prefer talking face to face any day. But even more I prefer e-mail. I know, I know, lame. But I express myself better via writing than I do in person or on the phone. I had to call my s/d on his cell twice in the past week, and let me tell you, it killed me to do it! I know, I'm ridiculous. But still.
On a completely different note, my dad might be able to come home this afternoon. They're going to take another set of x-rays later on today and if his lung is holding up, he'll get to come home!! I hope he can!!
As it is, I need to clean up around the house and vacuum. Ta-ta-for-now.
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