My computer crashed this morning. And I lost everything. And by that I mean everything. All of my papers. All of my documents. All of my pictures. All of my music. Everything. And of course, I didn't have anything backed up, because I'm not technologically savvy and I have no idea how one is supposed to do that. Now I do.
Of things lost include my Honors project. Thanks be to God I still have a draft as of three weeks ago that I sent to myself via e-mail. So at least I have something to work with. But I lost all of my sources, my quotes, my outlines, my notes... basically everything else.
I also had a terrible conversation with my mom today. Apparently she went ahead told my entire extended family (who are, by the why, anti-religion and even more so anti-Catholic) about my plans, without my permission. Their response was less than great. My uncles were angry-- both at me and at my parents. "Why did you let her go to a Catholic school and get brainwashed?"
Then I had another round of "tough conversation" about all of it with my mom. She just can't understand why I can't "do nun stuff without being a nun." She can't understand... no matter what I say... and I don't know what to do anymore. The conversation ended roughly and it just wasn't very good.
It's all in God's hands. There's little I can do, except pray all the harder.
In the realm of good news, however... I am writing a letter to a possible donor (who, from the conversation the president had with her, is going to give at least something)! I don't how this is going to play out... but again, God's will be done!!
You know, when I first realized earlier this week that it might be a very real possibility that I could enter this summer... I was pretty terrified. I mean, excited; but also very terrified. In the back of my mind I've been rather defeatist about my debt situation, so I've basically thought that there'd be slim to no chance of me actually entering for at least a year, more than likely a few years. Which, although I want this, was comforting to me. Because it meant things were still in the future and I could still talk with my parents as though things were "in the future."
As it stands now... things might be quite a bit more real quite a bit sooner than I expected! And it truly does terrify me... I mean, I know this is what I'm called to do... but actually doing it scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want to say that I'm getting "cold feet" but I am getting that nervous sort of "ahhh-am-I-really-sure-about-this" feeling.
Yet, at the same time, I have a sort of "Kantian" sense of duty about it... I know that this is what I'm supposed to do and despite the array of feelings and emotions and fears... I know I'm supposed to press forward.
Well. Everything's in God's hands right now. I honestly don't know what I want or even have the slimmest idea of what's best for me right now-- which, I suppose, in some ways, makes it all the easier to abandon it completely to Him. And even though today pretty much failed, overall... I can still rejoice, because it was all within God's Divine Providence. I can still be the cause of the Lord's joy in these circumstances... all that I must do is continuously abandon myself to His will.
Oh man.... God is totally showering down some serious graces via your computer and family sufferings being had. Blessed be God you are handling all of this so well! I think I'd be somewhere crying my eyes out, perhaps watching a good tear-jerker movie to help the process....though like you, I would fully accept this is God's will. :lol:
ReplyDeleteMy own mother pretty much feels the same way your mother does. :( Prayers for her! Perhaps St. Monica will pipe in a good word for both of our mothers? ;)
God bless you, Kayla. I've been praying for your family, and especially for that possible donor you'll be meeting with! I know without a doubt that God is going to work all of this out for you some how, some way -- and it's going to be AMAZING. And your family... they'll come around sooner or later. :)
They don't know the true happiness of religious life. To them it's all about "what you're giving up", or "wasting your talents/life"... once they see the truth, they'll come around. They just want you to be happy and successful, probably in a very worldly sense, but when you're where you're supposed to be, that will speak volumes. (It just might take longer than one would hope for them to hear that "speaking".) ;-)