God is good!!

God is so, so good!!  Although, sometimes I think He's a bit like some of my softball coaches over the years.  I think sometimes He tries us until we are absolutely at our breaking point, then He swoops down and saves us from despair.  That's definitely been my experience these past few weeks...

Lemme tell you it's been ridiculously difficult for me to ignore all of the negative thoughts and worries about contact with M.  It's been ridiculously difficult for me to abandon it all to God's great Providence, especially as graduation has drawn closer and closer.  I mean, I think I mostly did a good job of it, considering my great proneness to excessive worry.

Last night was the culmination of it all.  I tried once more, under obedience to do so by my spiritual director (can't believe he pulled that card... but I think he could sense my enormous hesitancy and fear of being annoying/pushy/etc), to contact M.  And once again, nothing.  Which threw me into some sort of crazy mood.  I was so upset and so frustrated.  And all of it transformed into doubts about my vocation, about my own beliefs... everything.  I'm not sure any of it really followed logically, but you know how it goes sometimes...  It was all I could do to force myself to go to Mass at 10pm (I hadn't been earlier in the day), although everything in me said "Forget it."  But I recognized the emotions and temptations from my times of terrible temptation against faith during my freshman and sophomore year... and I knew that of all things, it was imperative that I choose against them and go to Mass.  Otherwise, falling to them even once in the beginning, creates an even more difficult challenge for overcoming them.

And the entire time at Mass I really just didn't want to be there.  It was just a bad night overall.

But, God is good.  I decided that I would try one more time.  And hey, M. answered the phone!!!  I was so nervous beforehand (I always get that away about these types of situations).  But of course she put me at ease almost immediately.  "Oh Kayla!  I'm so glad you called!"  was the first thing she said to me.  I love her!

So-- good news!!  Looks as though either in June or in September (depends on what M. Mercy has to say), I'll be moving into the guest house at the Novitiate house, and finding a job somewhere in the area.  Then just working as hard as I can until my debt is taken care of and I can transition into postulancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man!!  I can hardly believe... I mean...  this makes these pretty darn official...  and by that I mean pretty real...  and that terrifies me...  and excites me...  but really terrifies me.  So many things going through my mind!!

On other related and also good news...  I have a meeting with the President of my University on Monday morning to discuss my situation...  and I get to do my first round of begging and asking for advice.  If things go well, things might go really well for me...  And at the very least, I'll have his prayers.  Which also good.  So.  We'll see...  please, please pray.  Of course I have my own hopes for the meeting, but... God's will be done.

Ah, God is so good to me.  I don't deserve any of this!!