New beginnings

So much to write about... so much going on...

I've completed two full days of work now and I'm beginning to get into the swing of things at the parish.  I've still got a lot I need to figure out (what is the current program for Confirmation?  RCIA for children?), but I'm making progress in other areas (called all of the former catechists to see if they're interested in teaching again, scheduled a Catechist's Retreat, Parent Open House, and set out the calendar for Faith Formation classes).  In some ways there's a lot going on... in others, there's not.  There's a lot to do and lot that falls under me... but 8 hour days seem so long and it's not always easy to fill them.  But, I'm sure that'll change once events start.

I'm also getting a better feel for the parish.  It's a cute one.  Mostly older folk, but they're wonderful and very welcoming.  The parish motto is "All Are Welcome," which, I admit, made me scoff a bit when I read it.  But.  I think they do it right.  Or at least, it was sure nice to feel the fruits of their desire to be welcoming to all.  Everyone I'd met was extremely welcoming and genuinely happy to meet me and offer assistance.  I was welcomed a few times in the parish bulletin.  Given an orchid for my office (God help me...  I have no idea how to take care of plants...).  It's nice.

The parish isn't liberal or conservative.  Very neutral.  There are some practices that make my conservative-leaning preferences go a little hay-wire... the whole group holds hands during the Our Father (which I join in with so as to not cause scandal, even though I'm not a huge fan of the practice) and there's no kneeling after the Agnus Dei (this is by decree of our bishop... and while I have before ignored it when visiting the Archdiocese of Portland, now that I am technically employed by His Excellency and am therefore under obedience to him, I also follow this practice).  And every one receives on the hand.  I've opted to continue receiving on the tongue; I don't think this is really cause for scandal, not like the other two issues might.

Then there's the emphasis point...  Very social justice oriented.  But, I want to say, I think it's in a good way.  I think it's done well.  For example, every month the parish hosts a Community Supper that involves both parishioners AND the homeless/outside community.  It is very well attended.  There are a lot of food drives and other sorts of fundraisers to help the poor.  It's good emphasis, as far as I can tell.

We have a wonderful and very kind old lady who works part-time as our book-keeper.  I didn't know at first (considering we called her by her first name and she didn't wear a habit), but she's a "retired" nun.  By retired, I mean, she's past retirement age but her community can't afford/doesn't have a place for retired nuns (so does that mean their pretty much dead as a community... I can't imagine they have many younger vocations), so she has to work part-time and lives by herself.  She's a sweetie though.

There's a lot of... what I would probably call "fluff" spirituality in the parish.  You know, the "feel good" kind of prayers and what have you.  I personally don't see how folks get anything out of it, but I'm trying to understand it.

It's a very community-oriented parish and they do that very well.  There's always drama, of course, and this parish has its share as well.  But it's not the kind of community that ignores Jesus and focuses on themselves.  No, it's definitely not that.  There's always room for more emphasis on Jesus, of course.  But I think they're in a good spot, because I don't think they'd feel threatened by that sort of shift.  The soil seems tilled and ready for the seeds of deeper conversion.

All in all... it's beautiful.  Not what I expected.  Probably not what I would necessarily envision a parish to be like... but beautiful.  And room for growth.  The area of greatest need is in the faith formation and catechesis.  I think I've mentioned before that there's NOTHING set up for the adults or for high school.  Pre K-8 and that's it... And that's not super-well attended at that.

Apparently there's some drama regarding my position on the staff... as in, there have been 3 or so people who have been circling around the position, going in and out of it for various reason.  I'm fresh blood, basically.  And the 3 people who have been used to running things are still heavily involved (and their friends are the main catechists).  So, I was warned that there might be some contention or drama, depending on how things go.  I don't know exactly what all of that means, and explanation were fairly vague... but, I suppose it means that I need to be particularly careful as I make moves in this area...

I love my job!  I really do... and I'm so at peace with it.  You know, that "peace which surpasses all understanding".  I mean, in any other circumstance, I would be still in freak out mode.  I get so terribly nervous when starting anything new... especially a new job... even more especially a real person job!!  Yet, I went in on Monday completely at ease.  I slept like a baby the night before (THAT'S unheard of).  And I've been at peace this whole time.  Real peace.  I wish I could explain it... or even understand it completely...  But I just know that this is precisely where God wants me right now.

And despite this peace, and despite how awesome things are, God has given me the grace to still desire more than anything to be in the convent.  I admit that I was kind of scared of the idea that I could be at peace with a new job.  What if I "forgot" about my desire to enter?  What if, over time, I slowly decided not to go, because... well, I was making fairly decent money and working a job I loved?

I'm still kind of afraid of that... but no, not really.  I'm so at peace.  I'm at peace with my job and current state in life and I'm at peace with knowing that I will enter the moment God shows the timing He has in mind.  I'm so thankful that this yearning continues in me, even though it is painful, and even though I'm at such peace.

None of that probably makes much sense.  So, I quote St. Paul in summary, "God works together all things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28, of course.

Prayer is... I'm not sure how to even describe exactly what's going on in prayer.  I've always had difficulty describing prayer and it hasn't gotten any easier over the years.  But right now...  That fear I spoke about a few days ago, the fear that God is somehow displeased with my prayer or that I'm not doing what He wants from me in prayer, hasn't gone away completely... it's underlying all of my prayer right now.  And on top of that, there's a different insecurity...  it's like... I've finally come to the realization how "little" my prayer is and that there's no way I'm called to that unitive prayer of the saints, no matter how badly I desire that true contemplative prayer.  And there's part of me that's sad about it.  I used to think that one day I'd get there, by God's grace.  Now I'm filled with the realization that it's not for me.

Which, it's a free gift given by God, and I'm in no way entitled to it.  But I can't help feeling a little sad about it, though.  And I'm trying to fight that immature and arrogant voice that tries to say that God somehow loves me less because of it.  No.

But it's not discouraging to me, really.  That latter half, anyway.  What is discouraging is the fear that I am somehow displeasing God in my prayer.  But, I am fairly confident, rationally, that I am not displeasing God in my prayer.  In fact, I think God revealed that to me, in a moment of grace.  Of course, that light diminished very quickly and the feelings and fears soon returned.  But it is enough for me to cling to for now.  What I really should like is to bring it up to my s/d and have his confirmation so that these doubts and fears can be even more properly handled.

And then, on top of all of this (which I try my best to ignore as I've found that it is merely a hindrance to one's prayer-life to obsess over such things), I am sensing an invitation from Jesus that truly scares me...  an invitation to enter more deeply into His suffering...  And it is an invitation, I can sense that much.  I want so badly to say "Yes, Lord", but I am weak and so scared of the suffering He might give me.  Yet, it is being shown to me the beauty of suffering with Christ and the promise of glory.  Yes, I know there is so much good in it... but, I cower.  I'm afraid of willingly accepting suffering.  Of entering deeper into that mystery.  It's one thing to accept the suffering that comes to you.  It's another to choose suffering.  (Although, for moral theologians out there... it's not choosing evil, no not at all, but it's choosing the Crucified One.  Choosing to accept His invitation to participate in His saving work.)  Foolishness to this world.  It really is, isn't it?

Whew.  I'm so tired and it's only 7:45pm.  Guess that's what happens when you're up at 5am to work-out and pray.  (Ugh, never been a huge morning person... but, at least for these first two days, God has given me the grace to establish a nice morning routine.  Exercise at 5am for half an hour.  Get ready.  Adoration from 6:20-7:20am [Office of Readings].  Drive to work [rosary].  Mass.  Morning prayer.  Work.  Evening prayer.  Home.  Night prayer.  Bed.)  I really like being able to pray the LOTH consistently... it really fits into the flow of my schedule and so I'm trying to make sure that I keep up with it.  There's no good reason not to.  The exercise is going to be the difficult one to keep going once the day to day stuff gets me super tired.  But, I've taken the advice of a deacon friend, and have made my motivation for continuing it penance.  Offering it up for the sanctification of my parish.  And, I rather like the prayer routine... it just so happens to be fairly darn similar to the prayer routine of the sisters (not on purpose, either, just noticed it, actually!).

Oh.  I just noticed I haven't eaten dinner tonight.  Eek.  Dinner then relaxing then bed time.