As they say, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."

Oh man.  The terror has returned and gripped me so tightly that it's hard to breath (figuratively speaking, of course).

So, about a week ago, I ran into the Laboure Society somewhere on the internet and felt a swift nudge of the Holy Spirit that completely caught me by surprise.  For various reasons (which I've come to find were actually misconceptions), I had brushed aside this organization as an option for my debt relief.  Anyways, I was a little caught off guard by the sudden movement of the Holy Spirit, but being slow and ignorant, I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't know what He wanted me to do with it.

Then, a few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a facebook message about the Laboure Society and suggested that I check it out.  Thanks Holy Spirit; I gotchya now.  I figured that I had ignored obvious signs for too long.

Oh, and did I mention that a week and a half ago (so a few days before the first prompting of the Holy Spirit), I sat down and basically begged God, if it was His will, to help me find a benefactor and to enter as soon as He could possibly arrange it?  Yeah.

So, of course, I stalled some more.  Don't ask me why, even when knowing what God's will is in a particular moment, I manage to still dilly-daggy.

Then there was a post on phatmass from a lovely young lady who works for the Laboure Society and represents them on the phorum.  I thought to myself, Okay, I guess it can't hurt to PM her and see what's what with this foundation.

A couple e-mails and a phone call later I'm sitting in my office terrified out of my freaking mind.  Again, figurative choking.

This group is like a God-send.  Seriously.  I'm pretty certain that, with their help, I'm going to be able to fund raise enough money to enter late Spring/early Summer.  I have soo many people who want to help out a little, but without a third party/way of enabling them to help, it's kind of impossible.  Seriously.  I literally know of OVER a hundred people that want to help.  And I think that there's a lot more that will help if asked in this way.  And if Mr. President will let me send to Board of Trustee members...

What I mean to say is that this program is exactly suited to my needs and situation.

So much so, to be honest, it kind of scares the living daylights out of me.

It's funny how the fear about vocation kind of disappears when you know there's a very real obstacle to it.  So you can just think about the romantic fluffy stuff.  Yet all of the sudden when it becomes real again, it's like, whoa!!


Actually, I'm rather amused about it all.  Just a few days ago I wrote a post on phatmass (boy do I feel nerdy right now) about the desire for religious life and how, in almost all cases, it is from God.  That there's no real need to question whether it's our own desires leading us toward religious life or if it's God's desire.

And what happened today?

I went into freak-out mode.  God, you're not really calling me to religious life?  How could you?  Is this just my desire or is it really Your will?


And of course pride keeps me from actually asking that question.  Or maybe it's pride.  I don't know.  But I don't want to ask God for some sort of "confirming" sign because... well...  I've discerned it.  I have moral certitude about my vocation.  I will never know anymore surely than I do now.  I may have a moment or two of consolation from God-- fleeting but real consolation.  But a week later I will be exactly in the position I'm in now.  Any thought to the contrary is really just stemming from fear.  Fear of putting out into the deep.

So.  I call Mother tomorrow.  I'll ask her to send in a letter of collaboration that I've been accepted (is it weird that I still kind of question this a little because it was such a strange process and I haven't taken any psychological exams?).  And I suppose I have to ask her about the whole founder issue.  Still haven't decided how to do that either.  And be super awkward because I'm just a super awkward phone person as it is.  Actually, sometimes I think I'm just a super awkward person in general.  Ah.  If only life were lived via written  word.  I might finally escape the awkwardness.  Oh well.  I dive into awkward for the sake of Jesus.  That is my job, after all.

Then I will, God-willing, have spiritual direction sometime next week (been avoiding this since I haven't asked Mother about the whole Founder thing and I've been told to on obedience... gah... haha).  And I can ask for a corroborative statement from my spiritual director as well.  Once those are received, I can start writing my vocation story in letter format and putting together a mailing list!

Which, by the way, if any of you know of anybody who might be willing to donate $20-50 toward my vocation fund, let me know...  Even the small amounts are going to be worth a lot for me.

Seriously.  Working with this society, while also working full time and putting 85% or more of my paycheck toward my student loans...  God help me.  I might actually enter.

On a very different note-- I recognize that this post has been something of a different tone than in which I normally write.  I blame it on the beer I drank earlier.  No, I'm serious.  For the first time in my life, as I was driving home from work, I thought to myself, Man, wouldn't it be nice to just relax and drink a beer.  So I did.  Never before has the country song "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" been more perfect for my day today.  Don't even get me started on the crazy youth group parent meeting we had tonight...  Haha!